Star Trek : TV Land Remixes
by Gojirob
Summary: Join the intrepid crews as they join forces with your other favorite shows. A Remix differs from a simple crossover by way of using one of the shows' episode structure as the basis for the plot.
1. Plato's Wild Stepchildren

**Plato's Wild Stepchildren**  
By Rob Morris

Parmen's sudden cross to the side of the angels was suspect, to say the very least.

"You are right, Captain. It--it is high time that my people shook off their moribund nature. You have my word that we will work toward this goal."

"See that you do, Parmen, because we will be watching, and we will be ready, if your high-sounding words prove to be just that."

Alexander smiled at Kirk's words, and again glared at Parmen. Where such glares had been met before with arrogant indifference, Jim now saw more than a little fear in the Platonian Leader's eyes. Something was wrong, he knew. The Captain knew rapid turnaround meant trouble, and he was not to be proven wrong. Alexander looked at McCoy.

"Doctor, I--changed my mind. Since your transporter won't be back online for another half an hour, give me an extra-strong dosage of the fruit derivative. I'll leave this bunch alone, but I'd like to move those dumb chess pieces around with my mind, for once."

McCoy's brow furrowed.

"Sure, Alexander. But after all that talk of how power corrupts, it just seems odd that you would want any part of it. I have a dosage I set up for you earlier."

Spock raised a trademark eyebrow.

"Alexander, I must concur. Besides this power's morally corrosive effects, it will not stay with you when we leave this planet in a very short time."

Alexander waved his hands.

"Gentleman, trust me. If there's one thing I know about, it's power, and its effects. And who knows? I just might find a way to duplicate its effects. For now, though---Just give me the shot."

Their friend's tone was now that of Parmen, only an hour back. So it was that Doctor McCoy asked Alexander the same question he asked Parmen.

"Suppose I refuse to do so?"

Alexander, now looking quite sinister, pulled out a small device. As he pressed it, spikes came out of the ground in the Platonian galleries. They all stopped a mere inch from the necks of the extremely nervous telekinetics.

"I would call that a mistake then, Doctor. I believe you are familiar with the effects of even a small cut on the skin of these albino cadavers. Now, if you would be so kind, the shot. My method of transport can survive such a cataclysm. Can yours?"

Now, Parmen pleaded, all arrogance a dim memory.

"Mercy, sir, we gave you what you wanted! Now, please, just don't hurt us."

"Oh, do shut up, Parmen. You whine like my children. Doctor? I'm waiting. Oh, and I have an itchy trigger finger. Sedatives and the like could turn our amoral Platonian friends into Holey Folk."

The doctor was clearly frustrated by this turn of events, and continued his work, never looking at Alexander.

"Just a minute, Alexander, if that is your name. As I recall, you wanted the strongest dose possible, and without causing you discomfort. You'll have your power, and I hope you choke on it!"

"Oh, I won't, Doctor. And you are correct. Alexander is a hero of mine, along with Caesar, Napoleon, all that, but my real name is...."

A portal then appeared, and two human males, both wearing garb consistent with Earth's late Nineteenth Century, came through it. Looking as ready and as able as any Starfleet officers, they produced old-style revolvers, and shot the remote control for the floor spikes from 'Alexander's' hand. The glare he gave these two exceeded all bounds of hatred.

"Ill met again, Mr. Gordon, Mister West. But you've not foiled me. No, not at all."

The one called West kept the weapon trained on 'Alexander', as though he were the single most dangerous man in the entire world.

"Say what you like, Loveless. But it seems as though you made two fundamental errors. One was thinking that Artemus and I couldn't rebuild your time platform. The second is, you don't have that power you came for, after all."

Loveless kicked McCoy, and grabbed the hypo he had been holding. Immediately, he injected himself.

"Wrong as always, Mister West. I've become acclimated to this substance, and so my power level should...."

He lifted Kirk, Spock, and McCoy into the air.

"Gentlemen! Permit me to introduce myself. I am the greatest genius of any era, Doctor Miguelito Loveless. I am a unique creature. In your disgustingly egalitarian era, the taunts that drove me to better myself would not have been there. But don't worry, for as I return to my century, I will enact changes that will ensure much more striving. The world you know will be a casualty, but judging by how easily you were fooled, it will be no great loss."

Kirk was defiant, as he looked down at his deceiver.

"We never thought you weren't intelligent, Loveless. Far from it. As to the taunts you say forged you, think how far people get nowadays without that garbage to work against them. Go back to your time, but please don't destroy what we've built here."

James West shook his head.

"That's a good speech, friend, and I can already see this future is everything a lot of people in my time dreamed of and died for. But all that talk is lost on a man like Doctor Loveless."

Artemus Gordon, full of rage, rushed his diminutive arch-foe, to no avail.

"Not only are we going to throw away the key this time, maniac, but...Whoooaa!!!"

As he floated in the air next to the Starfleet officers, Gordon was berated by Loveless.

"Sigh. Mister Gordon, there is a reason you are called a sidekick. Not that the main players are that much brighter. Two heroes both named James, neither one able to stop me. It's comical, is what it is."

As Loveless continued his monologue, James West picked up a jagged piece of earthenware off the floor. With Loveless back turned, he motioned with it at James T. Kirk, who blinked both eyes, as if in agreement. West threw the piece, and it bounced along the floor. Loveless noticed it, but not before it scraped his ankle.

"Interesting, eh Loveless? Two men, both named James, confirm a plan with only a look between them."

"A useless plan, Mister West. I do not possess the weakened immune systems of the Platonians. As The Doctor can surely attest."

Still up in the air, McCoy smiled.

"Oh, can I?"

Loveless shook with fury.

"What is the meaning of this? Their healing was fatally compromised by inaction!"

Kirk answered.

"Well, Doctor Loveless, it seems that Misters Gordon and West, using your own time scanner, saw the conversation that you didn't bother to stick around for. Most 'villains' make the same mistake, so don't feel--too bad."

"What conversation?"

Spock now.

"We discovered that, while it is true that the Platonians inactivity led to their troubles, the substances unique to this planet will eventually lower immune response in virtually anyone-particularly if the doses involved were of an overly high concentration. Yours was, owing to the fact that you wished to overpower the Captain and myself, as you have done."

Artemus Gordon was the soul of cockiness.

"What this sage if strange man is trying to say, Doctor, is that you've outsmarted yourself--again!"

Loveless shook his head in angry denial.

"Gentlemen, this is no victory. In my death throes, I will tear you all apart. My planning, which involved bringing these Starship people here, travelling many centuries forward, will not be for naught, I assure you. If I die, I'm surely taking...all..of..you.."

Loveless collapsed, but Kirk and Spock's still-active PK brought McCoy and Gordon down. McCoy quickly injected Loveless with a purgative, one that would wipe the planet's food from his system.

"After this, his immune response will kick back in like it had never been suppressed. Good thing he didn't know that the Platonian reaction to infection was unique to them. Too bad, though, about his deception. False persona or no, I rather liked Alexander."

"Logically, there is no need for ill feelings on that subject, Doctor. Being a psychotic, Doctor Loveless had even one with my mental faculties believing he was exactly as he appeared."

"Gee, Spock. You make a poor dumb human feel SO much better."

"Really, Doctor. That is, after all, a goal of mine, particularly as regards yourself."

Artemus Gordon looked at the two.

"Is it me, or do you fellows actually like to argue?"

The two James shook hands.

"Mister West, will you need a ride back, as it were?"

"No, Captain Kirk. Loveless's soon-to-be blown up time platform has a retrieval timer, to take us back in about an hour. You might want your sawbones to give him something to induce amnesia, though. We didn't see much of your time, but he might have seen quite a bit, and, like you said, this is a good future."

"Doubtless Doctor McCoy has included that in his restorative cocktail. Is there anything else we can do to thank you?"

"You can answer a question."

"So long as it's not time-related, sure."

"Before Artie and I jumped, we saw those Platonians force you to kiss your Lieutenant Uhura. Now, forgive my bluntness, Captain, but that just brings a big question to my mind."

Kirk girded himself. He had encountered prejudice in his time, but he had a feeling he was about to receive a lot more. Hero or no, James West would be a product of his time, after all.

"Ask your question, Mister West."

"How was she?"

Captain James T. Kirk chuckled, having encountered the prejudice within his own heart. A heart not so unlike that of Secret Service Agent James West, it seemed.

"Mister West, I'm shocked that you would ask such a thing. After all, a gentleman never, ever kisses and tells."


	2. Kombat Trek

Kombat Trek

by Rob Morris

An enraged Liu Kirk began the running motion he meant to use to wipe the arrogant smile off of Shang Khan's face. At the last second, though, Vulcan, god of Thunder and Logic, stopped him cold.

"That, Liu, is a good way to lose one's soul. You are not ready to battle Shang Khan-yet."

Liu Kirk looked up, perplexed and angry.

"Would someone please get me another mentor?"

"Sorry, friend. But much as we may wish it otherwise, we're stuck with Vulcan. He does come in handy-on the odd occasion."

Accepting both his words and a hand up, Liu Kirk asked Jean-Luc Cage of the situation elsewhere.

"Any word from McCoy?"

Cage shook his head.

"He's still treating her. Why Major Kathryn Blade feels the need to play risk-taker all the time is..."

Liu finished.

"Probably the reason you keep hitting on her."

Cage smiled.

"Probably. Good thing we have McCoy--or NightHealer, as he insists on being called."

Keeping an eye on Shang Khan, Major Jackson Sisko-Jax-spoke up.

"Gentlemen, may I suggest we suspend all discussion of my headstrong partner til we get back to base? Otherwise, those Borg mechs are going to gain some new recruits."

In their talk, they hadn't noticed the genetically enhanced sorcerer open up yet another portal. Thankfully, they were only Borg. Their battle-leader, Lore, was not there to direct them. Apparently, Data was still keeping him busy in the other - dimensional Neutral Zone- as he had sworn to do. Jax, the strongest man in the Quadrant, slammed the ground, knocking Shang off his feet, shutting the portal. But still the Borg were formidable. Our heroes were in for it.

Liu Kirk launched a massive array of chi-fireballs, then a series of bicycle kicks. Jean-Luc Cage's patented Shadow movements cut a wide swath straight through the middle. Jax waited until he had 3 Borg grabbing each arm, then twirled them like toys until they knocked out a whole phalanx of their brethren. But still they were massively outnumbered.

"Vulcan! A little help, here?"

"I am a god. We do not participate in Kombat. To do so would rob humanity of an essential element of independence, which your race will need if it is to keep Shang Khan's master Q'Nok from merging his continuum with yours. Further, I..."

In the midst of his lecture, Vulcan found himself surrounded by about 50 Borg, all intent on assimilating a god. Casually, he incinerated them all.

"I do not think that was so a wise course of action."

Jax and Cage were about to tell Vulcan what he could do with his non-interference, when real hope showed up. Their friends, the Princess Uhura and Ice-Like-Winter would help to turn the tide. As Ice-Like-Winter froze and destroyed the Borg surrounding Jax, he got a half-hearted thank you.

"Nice of you to show up, Chakotay!"

"Stuff it, Jax. Keeping your crazy partner in cryo til we got back to base was no easy task...and yes, NightHealer says she will be fine."

Jean-Luc Cage faced a Mega-Borg, oversized and overenhanced. The thing tried to grab him, but merely grabbed and crushed his Kombadge. With a savage upward movement, Cage ripped the torso from the thing's body, and tossed it at yet more Borg. The classically-trained action star was cocky as he leapt once more unto the breach.

"A pity he had to be destroyed! He seemed he like my biggest fan!"

Suddenly, the Borg that had dog-piled on top of Liu Kirk spotted the rapidly-whirling fans of Princess Uhura behind them.

"You Borg back off! That's MY boyfriend!"

The fan-blades kept spinning as the rightful heir to the Q continuum tossed them at the Borg who assaulted her lover still. The blades shredded them, but came within inches of Liu Kirk. Still, he kissed her upon getting up, then fireballed a whole wall of descending Borg.

"You take a lot of chances, Princess!"

"So do you, Mister! That's why we get along!"

Just as it seemed that the Borg were being driven back, a group of four-armed, hybrid reptilian-centaurs emerged from the last remaining portal. Shang Khan gloated mightily.

"You task me, Liu Kirk! You task me, but now I have you! These Jemhdaros are known to have even less mercy than I showed to your Brother. I wonder how your soul will taste?"

"The only thing you're going to taste, sorcerer, is this!"

Moving in a difficult combination movement, with extraordinary coordination, the mortal heroes combined their individual energy projectiles into one beam, which Ice-Like-Winter then through up a frozen lens to focus it through. It took on a bluish tinge, and struck all the Jemhdaros at once. This "Phaser" movement appeared to obliterate them, but in reality shifted or "phased" them back to their own realm. Shang Khan maintained his arrogant cool.

"Verrrry good, children! But the master is far more dangerous than his servants. Witness--My Power!"

A whooshing sound followed next, as the injured Kathryn Blade sailed over and then kicked Shang Khan back, into the Borg rubble. He was only temporarily stunned, though, and she knew it. She ached from her wounds, but she'd be damned before she'd let Jean-Luc see her weak-or for that matter, the Princess Uhura, who never seemed to tire or get injured. Khan looked up at her.

"You, my lovely Kathryn, are dead!"

"Hey, Shang! Give us a Kiss!"

Punching open a container of the rocket fuel their transports used, Kathryn Blade dumped it all over Shang Khan. She then executed both her trademark finishing move-a kiss that sent a ring of fire-and, for that matter, Shang Khan. Unfortunately, the Emperor Q always had the option of reviving him. As the battle-chamber began to rock, she felt Cage grab her up, her injuries being more extensive than she thought. The heroes were out in time-narrowly. Liu Kirk looked at the wreckage of their planes.

"I, for one, do not want to have to explain this to Curtis Riker!"

Jean-Luc Cage grabbed Kathryn's Kombadge.

"I'm going to try and page Kiral. With her speed, we can probably cross the water unaided."

Vulcan shook his head.

"If you will recall, Kiral is still recovering from the scarring of her soul by Skorpdukat. It does not violate my oath to transport us back."

Just then, the clouds parted, and a huge face, twisted with arrogance, looked down at them in contempt. Vulcan raised an eyebrow.

"Q'Nok. Fascinating."

"You insignificant microbal Barbarians! I've come to put you in your

place!"

All, including now Vulcan, went to a fighting stance. The God Of Thunder And Logic spoke for them all.

"I do not think that to be so wise a course of action".

TO BE CONTINUED?


	3. Devil's Doo

**Devil's Doo**  
By Rob Morris

VENTAX TWO

Ardra stood in triumph.

"You have failed, Picard! Now the people of Ventax Two all belong to me--forever!"

'Judge' Data reluctantly agreed.

"I am afraid it is true, Sir. You have largely failed to prove that Ardra is not...Ardra."

Picard nodded.

"Nor it seems, can I hope to do so. This mystery is not to be solved by us."

But then, a voice was heard.

"Like, maybe we can help, Captain!"

Picard looked, and saw four teenaged humans. One a well-kempt blonde male, another male--looking rather shabby--a redhead that might have passed for a younger Beverly, and a bookish girl who seemed to exude knowledge. With them was a Great Dane.

"Who are you--and how did you get here?"

The bookish girl answered.

"Time for that later, Captain. Now, watch what happens when we send a slight gravity wave into the atmosphere---"

The Enterprise was unaffected, but a smaller ship was exposed. The blonde male continued.

"That ship was sending Ardra here a holographic wave, enabling her to change things and people, at least seemingly."

Picard shrugged.

"Mister Worf, please escort these people out."

The young redhead sprayed some mist, and red beams appeared.

"Unless you have on special lenses like Ardra, or use a powder like this, you wouldn't know where to step to activate her so-called powers."

"That's quite enough---Doctor Crusher, sedate them if you have to."

The unkempt male with a goatee pointed at Ardra.

"Like, that's not all. We found out that this lady-thief upset the REAL Ardra, who's gonna come to get her!"

Ardra laughed.

"Don't be idiotic....say, what's..."

A solid image of Ardra appeared next to her, twice as big and quite fearsome.

"Yoooouuuu...must paaaaayyyy for awakening meeeee!!!!"

Ardra began to run.

"It---It is the real Ardra! Picard, protect me!"

But as she ran, the four teenagers trapped her in a net, where she was unmasked, once and for all. The Head of The Ventaxian Council shook his head.

"Why, this Ardra was our own Finance Minister all along!"

The bookish girl nodded.

"Right. She had been embezzling from state funds. She used this Ardra deal to try and scare the devil out of everyone."

Picard was waving his arms.

"Heee--lloo!! Isn't anyone listening to me? Get these people out of here---Make It So!"

Data looked over.

"But, the other Ardra has yet to fade away. Therefore, it is no mere hologram. I shall remove its mask."

As he did that, a giant tongue came out and licked Data. It was the Great Dane.

"Rooby-Rooby-Roooo!!"

Data tilted his head.

"Fascinating. I believe I can discern the dog's language, sir."

Picard held his hand to his head.

"Oh--why me?"

Data began.

"Rot ris rour resigration, Ranine?"

"Re? RI'm Roooby-Roo."

"Rascinating. Row ris rit rou rearned roo reak? Rost rogs rannot ralk, rou row."

"RI Ruess RI'm rust rucky."

While Data continued learning this new language, Worf took Ardra away.

"Your plan is in ruins, woman."

"But it would have succeeded, if it weren't for those meddling kids and their nosy dog!"

Packing into The Mystery Shuttle, the teenagers prepared to leave. Picard tried to be civil.

"Well---I---hope--we see each other soon."

The blonde male nodded.

"Oh, you will, Sir. See, we're going to follow you around The Galaxy, solving mysteries. See ya soon!"

"Roodrye, Rata!"

"Rarerell roo ru ras rell, Rooby. Re rill rave ruch ru riscuss."

Picard was fuming.

"Oh, so they think they're to follow us? Mister LaForge, set course for Earth. If we're to be beset by know-it-all problem solvers, then we must needs fight fire with fire."

Riker shuddered.

"Captain, surely you don't mean..."

"Simple logic, Number One. For a Betazoid problem, I'd ask Counselor Troi for her help. As I have Mister Worf's on Q'onos, and Mister Data's regarding Lore. But these are annoying, ingenious teenagers. So we play our ace in the hole!"

STARFLEET ACADEMY

Wesley stared at the orders, uncomprehending.

"I'm GRADUATING? But I've only been here three months."

And Wesley's help did in fact prove invaluable, as his suggestions to beam out Velma's glasses and to make Scooby Snacks inert slowed the Mystery Clubbers to a snail's pace. But the battle was long, and involved a lot of villains in cheesy masks.

NEXT WEEK ON THE NEW SCOOBY-DOO MOVIES: QUANTUM LEAP!


	4. Candid Generations

**Candid Generations**  
By Rob Morris

(Allen Funt emerges onstage)

Funt: Hi, Folks, and welcome once again to Candid Camera. Boy, do we have a show for you.

(The Enterprise-B's Bridge appears onscreen behind him)

Funt: Now, Captain James Kirk has seen many a ship through many a harsh situation. Buutttt.....what happens when he is sent out on a routine ceremony with a ship and a Captain--who are COMPLETELY unprepared?

(Onscreen, they near the Nexus)

Kirk: Tractor beams?

Harriman: Tuesday.

K: Photon.....

H: Tuesday

(Back to Funt)

Funt: Just to increase the fun, we gave Captain Harriman a drug to increase his addling a bit. Now, watch what happens when Captain Kirk takes back the seat that is so rightfully his.

(Onscreen, Kirk stops Harriman and goes below deck himself)

Funt: We installed minute electric shocks in that chair, all set to Kirk's body signature! (Claps his hand) Now, let's follow him below deck

(As The Nexus takes Kirk, the picture goes blank)

Funt: Oh, boy...Not exactly the kind of day The Captain was planning to have. Now, ignoring all laws of time and space--and decency--lets skip ahead 80 years.

(Onscreen, Geordi is installing Data's emotion chip)

Funt: What Data doesn't know is that we've replaced his emotion chip with a simple voice-transmitter. Watch the wackiness ensue.

Voice Transmitter: Tell Dumb Jokes.

Data: Hello, I'm Mister Tricorder.

Data: Open, Sesame!

Voice Trans: Be Afraid.

Data: (To Soran) Don't hurt me!

Voice Trans: It can be removed.

Data: I want the chip removed.

VT: It can't be removed.

Data: I must accept that it cannot be removed.

VT: You are glad it wasn't removed.

(Funt is guffawing onstage)

Funt: Folks, doesn't that just make you positronically hysterical? Well, we did have a joke involving Captain Picard's brother and nephew. But they're off in Las Vegas, so we'll let that go till next week. Also, we'll find out what happens when we tell a group of loyal Starfleet officers that The UFP is selling them out to the Cardassians! Annnnd...a certain Captain on a former Cardassian station is going to be haunted by actors we hired and dressed up just like those he knows and loves. Until then, folks, just remember, when you least expect it, someone may come up to you and say......

(Worf comes out, and holds Funt. Picard and Kirk emerge; They take turns beating him to a bloody pulp)

Picard: I'm going to pummel you into Number Two!

Kirk: No Rescue for you.

(Funt lies there, broken; Data comes out; attaches chip to back of his neck)

Data: (Speaks into microphone) I am a cruel sadistic little man seeking fun at the expense and humiliation of others.

Funt: (Realizing he can't fight off the influence) Ohhh.......Shit!

Data: (Pulls out a camera) Smile!


	5. Endgame

**E*n*d*g*a*m*e**

By Rob Morris

Chakotay gently entered the room where Kathryn was being kept.

"Hey--are you all right?"

She turned around. Her hair was disheveled, and rage seemed to suffuse her being. Not the quiet rage of a wronged party, that she had worn for seven years. No, this was Tom-rage. Equinox-rage. Borg Queen-Rage. Nasty rage.

"Me? I'm fine. I've used my new spare time to solve Soocus's Nineteenth Theorem, and sent several strong letters of protest to the Kazon government, for them taking our ship. It'll take a while for them to reach the Kazon, but hey. A defrocked Captain has time. Or are you here to deflower me now? Because I can tell you, Chakotay, you're a little late on that front."

She was talking about everything but what had happened.

"Naomi asked after you. She'd like to see you."

Now, Janeway's eyes grew wild.

"WHY? So I can clamp my hand over her mouth, waiting for that damned patrol to pass?! So I can cut off her air supply for so long, The Doctor has to spend hours reviving her?! Tell her I'm busy reenacting the Slaughter Of The Innocents. You want to play Silas or Caspian? Because I've got dibs on Kronos. I am still The Captain."

And when she fell silent again, Chakotay left. Paris was waiting outside the cabin-turned psychiatric brig.

"How is she?"

Chakotay shook his head.

"Tom, she just lost a battle she's been fighting for seven years. She is not good."

* * *

The Second Caretaker Entity was pummeling Voyager. The Alpha Quadrant now seemed a century, rather than two years, away. Then Harry Kim took note of a sensor reading.

"Captain Chakotay! While our shields were down, someone launched Delta Flyer straight at The Array---it's Captain Janeway."

Chakotay was furious. While somewhat recovered, there was no way she was ready to do this.

"Sweet Spirit's Above! Somebody get a tractor beam and corral that crazy cowgirl."

Aboard the Array, Kathryn cried out.

"Show yourself--and I mean in the human form you used last time. Or are you afraid of me?"

The little girl appeared.

"I'm not afraid of...."

Janeway slapped her hard, across the face.

"I could destroy you...."

"You could. Very easily. Just the way you almost destroyed Kes's mind. Turned her against us."

The entity's mortal form showed surprise.

"You know?"

Janeway smiled.

"Having recently had my own mind destroyed, it was easy to figure. Now, listen up. Just like last time, you want revenge for The first Caretaker's death. Well, little girl--look in the mirror. Because it was loneliness, as much as anything else, that killed him. He died because you left him!"

The entity screamed in denial.

"No!"

"He brought us out here, because of you. Every one of my crew who suffered or died did so because of you. Any good we've salvaged has been our own doing. All the bad we've done--and that has been done to us is all your fault!"

Not as resilient as mind-tortured Kes, the Caretaker began to discorporate. So Janeway twisted the knife.

"We've been stalked for technology. Stalked for body parts. Subjected to ridiculous laws we couldn't even know we were breaking. Watched as countless opportunities were squandered by greedy fools. We've seen the word 'backwater' redefined about a dozen dozen times. We've been casually experimented on--tortured--watched as we became criminals and torturers. Been kept away from those we loved--and those we lost. So you take your anger---and you turn it on that person who deserves it!"

Finally, the creature died, reverting to its pyramidal form. Janeway crushed that form to powder beneath her boot.

"Now--it's over."

Sickened by her need for vengeance but elated at its release, Janeway hit her badge.

"Janeway to Voyager."

"Kathryn--are you all right?"

"Depends, Mister Chakotay. Do you detect any Kazon ships about? Because I'd like to make use of this Array."

On board, Chakotay smiled, recognizing a voice he hadn't heard for a long time.

"Captain--I think we better blow it up."

When that Array was done, and it's tech stripped for study, Tuvok made an exciting announcement.

"We are within extreme sensor range of an M-Class planet. Readings now confirm--it is Bajor."

Janeway activated the ship's PA system.

"Attention, all Personnel : At 1638 Hours, we entered The Alpha Quadrant the same way we left it."

She breathed in.

"OUR JOURNEY IS OVER AND WE ARE HOME!!!!"

And all over the ship, duties were neglected, and personnel were nowhere near their posts. This dereliction of duty-- was forgiven easily.

* * *

Janeway saw Tom and Be'lanna board the Delta Flyer--never to return.

"Are you sure this is what you both want?"

Torres nodded.

"Chancellor Martok and Ambassador Worf both saw my mother captured by The Jem'Hadar. Then, my father up and surprises everyone by returning to look for her. There are still renegade Dominion cells out there, Captain. If one of them is holding my parents---I have to find out."

Paris hugged his mentor and rescuer, briefly.

"That's the funny thing about parents. Just when you think you're sure you know them, they up and surprise you by letting you know how much they love you. His decision to support this trip---I owe him a lot of ties."

Lieutenant Kim turned to his best friend of seven years.

"Tom--a handshake just isn't gonna do it."

If Tom felt a little awkward hugging Janeway, he seemed to have no such problems with Harry.

"GoodBye, Harry. Lord knows I never met a soul I could depend on more."

Harry looked at the searching newlyweds.

"Be'lanna--I see all of you, and I wonder why we were all in such a rush to get back. This ship--it was home. I guess--anyplace you live is home."

Later, his precious mobile emitter gobbled up by chronally nervous Starfleet techs, the EMH said his goodbyes.

"Doctor--a waste recycling ship?"

"Yes, Captain. I intend to show Starfleet that their decision to use The EMH Mark One for ---scrubbing--- was a stupid one. The only problem is--I'll be commanding a ship full of me."

Janeway smiled lightly.

"You poor thing. You're in for it."

"Yes. But I will have an advantage. In my eidetic memory will always be a gracious, dedicated Commander to inspire me. Ladies. Ge-hentlemen."

Over her open link, Janeway heard the Doctor's arrival. Several sets of familiar voices said a familiar phrase.

"Please state the nature....."

"Oh, SHUT UP!"

Harry checked on the woman whose name and life had changed forever, when the tetryon beam that brought them home destroyed her implants and nanoprobes.

"Annika? We have to leave, now. My parents are expecting us."

"It is kind of them to invite me to stay during my period of adjustment. Harry Kim-Harry, do you still find me attractive?"

He leaned down, next to the hoverchair she would need to use for several months.

"My track record with women aside, you are a knockout. But let's take things slow, okay? Really slow."

"But what if we are meant to be, somehow?"

Kim shrugged.

"If it's destiny--BIG if--then resistance is futile."

Tuvok drank in the moment, as his wife's fingers touched his.

"Husband--the last I saw you, you were first donning the garb of a Maquis."

"Wife--the last I saw you, you were a baiting delusion created by a mammoth telepathic omnivore."

"Husband--that you were pleased to see me would have been quite sufficient."

Neelix watched two people walk out of his life, one squealing with delight as she ran towards a Ktarian man she had only just met.

"Daaaddyyyyyy!!!!"

As the man silently mouthed 'Thank You', Neelix walked away. He saw his commanding officers and dear friends.

"Captain--Commander--are they really tearing Voyager apart?"

Chakotay nodded.

"They want to study every phenomenon we've ever encountered. It's the only way to do it--unfortunately."

Janeway tried to cheer things up.

"Neelix--Chakotay and I will be taking over a new ship, The USS Pershing. Its purpose is exploration, as always. But it's crew will be made up of those Starfleet officers who were scarred in various ways by The Dominion War."

Chakotay smiled lightly.

"They don't yet trust me with my own ship. Old prejudices. But I have managed to get some former Maquis out of prison to help us out."

Neelix felt much like he had been reborn.

"Sounds like--you might just need a morale officer. After Voyager."

On The Bridge for the last time, Janeway turned to her First Officer.

"Before we leave--let me state something completely, and unequivocally, regarding your performance aboard this ship."

She kissed him long, and deep, and hard. They remained that way for ten minutes.

"Kathryn. On the front viewer. Look!"

"Well. Isn't that just like those two?"

Dumping a tiny portion of their fuel as they went, Tom and Be'lanna had used their flight path to write a message, as they left. It was one word that said it all.

"GOODBYE"


	6. Eden The Hard Way

**Eden the Hard Way**  
by Rob Morris

"Space, in all its stellar vastness, is said by some to be man's final frontier. We find things that improve the quality of life for all in our galaxy. The now-common vaccine for Qavert 1212 was developed solely as a plant protector during an Organian Treaty competition with the Klingon Empire over a planet that proved to be uninhabitable--for all the dilithium buried there. But in the process of seeking out new life, and new civilizations, some boldly go on the wrong side of Federation law. That's where I step in. I'm a cop. My name is Friday."

DRAGNET 2269

"The story you're about to hear is true. The names involved are well known to the galaxy-at-large."

* * *

"My partner Bill Gannon and I were working Vehicular Theft under Commodore Mendez when a case we'd been working on cracked wide open."

* * *

"Joe, Bill---that shuttlecraft that was stolen? It's in the custody of The USS Enterprise. I'd like you two to place the thieves in your custody. There's a band of familiar favorites behind it all."

* * *

"Using a stripped-down transport built for speed and not much comfort, Bill and I made for Enterprise's position. There we were to arrest the famous---or to my mind-- infamous Doctor Svrin. Once a major proponent of the technology that has raised the quality of all our lives, he now preaches a standard anti-tech message. Nothing special. Just another scientist with too much brains and time and not nearly enough discipline."

"Hey, Joe? Is this gonna be like when we took down that cult-leader and her son? They were anti-tech, too, if I recall."

"I don't think so, Bill. Remember, she had a suppressive anti-tech shield up. Svrin or one of his followers tries that aboard Enterprise, they better have a lot of air on hand, fast."

"I guess. Joe, ya think we'll back by Thanksgiving?"

"Probably. Why?"

"Oh, the wife is fixing up some of her world-class relish. She makes it with carrots and those little green onions--I mean scallions. Did ya ever notice that, Joe?"

"Notice what?"

"How people call them little green onions, but they're really scallions?"

* * *

"Arriving aboard Enterprise, I was pleased to find out that Captain Kirk is just as good as his reputation--and nowhere near as combative."

* * *

"Gentlemen---you want those---people? You're welcome to them. Just get them off my ship, please."

* * *

Talking to Doctor Svrin was like talking to that proverbial brick wall.

"I am not bound by your tech-enfeebled laws. I do not recognize your authority or the government you represent."

"Well, you're in luck, Doctor. Because both that authority and that government surely recognize you. Not that we really want to. What happened to your immune system is tragic. But why don't you help correct the flaws in the society you built, instead of just tearing it all down?"

"My words---they fall on deafened ears."

"My sentiments exactly, Doctor."

* * *

"Asking around, we found the situation was nowhere near as cut and dry as we had thought. But then, it rarely is."

* * *

"I---have diplomatic immunity. My father is an Ambassador."

"Fine--Daddy can come and fetch you out of lockup on Earth. But I have a job to do. I intend to do it."

"But we seek only a higher truth."

"So do I---they're The Facts. Just The Facts."

* * *

"You must understand, Detective Friday. Irina--she has always been like this."

"No, Mister Chekov, you're wrong. Whatever she was---she's just become worse. Suppose that stolen shuttle had been needed for an emergency? What If I told you it was, and a child died because it wasn't in its bay?"

* * *

"Detective, they merely seek higher truths. Their goals are laudable."

"Commander Spock--now just why is it that every truth seeker except for Christ and Surak and a handful of others always need to take someone else's property to find the truth? Because my truth says---that's against the law."

* * *

"Herbert!"

"Herbert!"

"Herbertherbertherbertherbert....."

"Detective Gannon? Doesn't your friend know what we're calling him?"

"Oh, he knows, son. But to Joe Friday, ya see---'Herbert' is a compliment!"

* * *

"I would like it stated for the record, now, that 'Fleet's orders to Captain Kirk, not to arrest the Ambassador's son, tied his hands and caused the brief takeover of the Enterprise. When we came to, we were in Romulan space, and some of Svrin's party were dead. Eden had an acid filling, it seems. Maybe it's like Captain Kirk said. Man shouldn't just wander back into Eden---maybe we need the beating of drums. That's not my field, though. I'm just a cop."

* * *

"So I am to be arrested merely for seeking Eden?"

"No, Ma'am. Irina--your quest is a good one, and I wish you well. But you decided to drag 400 innocent people into the territory of an enemy that is just as fascist as you folks claim our government is. Now, wouldn't you say that's wrong?"

"Notably, none of Svrin's followers were quite so talkative anymore."

IN A MOMENT - THE RESULTS OF THESE ACTIONS AND INVESTIGATIONS OF AND FOR THE SUPERIOR COURT OF SECTOR 001

* * *

"The woman known as Irina Gulinan was sentenced to 6 Months at Auckland Penal Colony. The Ambassador's son had the unfortunate timing to return just as his father was removed from office during a sexual scandal. Captain James Kirk was given a Medal Of Commendation 1st Class, his 127th since assuming Command of The USS Enterprise. Sergeants Friday and Gannon are currently in Iowa, investigating the sensational murders last year of Captain Kirk's mother and young nephew. More as that case unfolds."

* * *

"Hey, Joe? Wouldja hold this metal plate while I hit it with the hammer?"

"No thanks, Bill. I learned my lesson."


	7. Six Steps

**Six Steps**  
by Rob Morris

**2166 **

CAPTAIN JONATHAN ARCHER

"At the time, Earth's decision to let the marooned Klingon die infuriated me. The Vulcans and their cold-blooded ways had won, I thought. But in the Klingon view, we had done the right thing. If we hadn't been able to ask them to seal their common border with The Romulans, we would never have won. The Vulcans, including T'Pol, are now welcoming their lost brothers and sisters back with open arms. The victory actually seems to have made the Klingons more respectful of us, and not even out of fear. There is now talk of alliance, and even a quadrant-wide government. A Terran-Vulcan-Klingon alliance would have no real opponents, no real to obstacles to expansion and exploration."

"So why do I want to go back in time, like HG Wells' traveler, and prevent all this from occurring?"

* * *

2336

RETIRING CIC, ADMIRAL JAMES T. KIRK

STARFLEET HQ, Q'ONOS CITY

"Mara fusses over me, almost as much as David or Peter. One the brilliant theorist, the other the practical genius. David was so upset that he couldn't make Genesis work without protomatter. But Peter, fascinated by science since the day Deneva's planetary shield was fashioned by my late brother, gone these ten years, nailed it down. Instead of using infused protomatter, they've now achieved the dream of a lifetime by using it only in the trigger mechanism. It means that planets take six months instead of six hours, but it's worth it. When I was a young man, I found endless worlds, and now we're set to inhabit every last one of them that aren't taken. We have everything we ever wished for."

"How does that old saying go again?"

* * *

2367

FLEET CAPTAIN JEAN-LUC PICARD

"I've recovered myself. The Borg Incursion hit us all hard, and I will bear the marks of how I was taken and used forever. But good fortune smiles upon us, it seems. Data was not only able to separate me, and command the Borg to sleep, but to defeat The Borg Cube's self-destruct mechanism. Already, cursory studies are telling us things about transwarp mechanisms that make the claims of the first Excelsior seem petty and childish. I suspect we will soon be confronting The Borg on their own doorstep. Yes, the Cube has told us many things about space travel, but precious little about ourselves. Still, mankind's nature will remain a constant, I'm certain."

"I haven't seen Q of late. More good fortune, Worf says. But I must wonder. Did we suddenly become less interesting?"

* * *

STARBASE 500, ORBITING PLANET BAJOR, 2371

GOVERNOR BENJAMIN SISKO

"It was over before it began. The Odyssey was more than a match for the entire Dominion Fleet. The resources of one free quadrant vs. one chained by fear and unthinking? Even Governor Quark wouldn't take that bet, and he's a dabo-addict. The choice of the shapeshifters was unfortunate, and I almost want to curse Starfleet for allowing it. Mass suicide never solves anything. Free expression, my ass. Now, the Dominion's milk-fed creche-bred servants regard us as gods, and work 26-9 to show their devotion as we spread out using transwarp. It's all very scary."

"I'm not a god. I would like to meet some, though. Mom says that's a foolish thought. Maybe she's right."

* * *

FEDERATION QUADRANT FOUR, USS VOYAGER, COMMODORE KATHRYN JANEWAY, 2376

"We knew we'd take The Borg. They had too much we wanted and suddenly just had to have for it to go otherwise. Chakotay has earned this command, and when I take my fifth pip--he can have it. The Federation currently stands at a thousand worlds strong. I have given it the means to go even further. What the hell was I thinking?"

"I should have just destroyed The Array, the way we did The Caretakers, under the Violation Of Free Will Act. But Tuvok has been a member of 31 since they went overt. That ended that debate. Political Officers always think it's their ship."

"The Array now opens up other galaxies, when combined with what we already know. Some people want to colonize the other galaxies by using Genesis on themselves. They've injected themselves with Borg nanites, and are following the teachings of a philosopher who inspired Hitler and Singh. The law prohibits interfering with expansion, so they get to do it."

"We are not turning into an Empire, as some feared. We're turning into a coherent muddle that one day will be an incoherent muddle. Commander Paris showed me an ancient vid where a bright shining Republic became a dark corrupt empire, led by a brutal sorcerer and his evil knight. I don't think we'll be that lucky, to have so obvious an enemy."

"Word has it that Borg remnants are refitting captured Jem'Hadar. I hope they give us a good fight, and slow things down."

"I'll miss Chakotay. He's the only one in The Delta Colonies who can make me back down when I'm wrong."

"A thousand worlds. Suppose it expands to ten or a hundred times that many? What then? We'll be well-kept fools, praising ourselves for living in a facade paradise, waiting for the wrapping to be taken off."

"I need some Raktageno."

* * *

MANY THOUSANDS OF YEARS LATER

"We expanded too far. We could never have fully answered the true needs of over a million worlds. All it took was one angry group---and it all came down."

"Where did it all start? I couldn't say. At The Academy, any time the professors gave me an easy question, I knew a much harder one would follow. Unlike an altered character in a parallel-worlds novel, I couldn't tell you which questions we as a people failed to answer. Only that we did not answer them. We had a good, but immature system, and it eventually gave out because we assumed all assumptions were universally held. Now, we can only rebuild, using blessed hindsight. Maybe that will be enough-maybe not."

"The Long Night Has Come."

CAPTAIN DYLAN HUNT, HIGH GUARD SHIP ANDROMEDA


	8. The Play's The Thing

Title : The Play's The Thing

Author : 'Goji' Rob Morris

Series : TOS

Type : Episode remix of 'The Conscience Of The King'

Part : REP 1/1

Characters : TOS regulars plus cast of 'I Spy'

Rating : PG

Summary : Who will nail the fugitive murderer Kodos first–Kirk or Kelly Robinson? Just ask Scotty what they think.

The Play's the Thing

by Rob Morris

Kirk was blunt, as one might expect.

"Mister Robinson, the only reason I am shuttling you to your next hyperball match are the combined requests of Starfleet Command and our late mutual friend, Dr. Leighton. I consider myself to be in the middle of a potential murder investigation, possibly leading to something far bigger. I most pointedly do not consider The Enterprise to be a limoushuttle for dilettante celebrities. Am I clear?"

Kelly Robinson appeared unimpressed, and merely leaned on his racket-frame.

"Oh, clear as crystal, Captain Kirk. Uh--can I go now? I'm meeting with my trainer. Wouldn't do to get out of practice, now would it?"

As much as Kirk wanted to find the words to wipe the arrogant smile off of Kelly's face, he had more pressing concerns. What would have surprised him, then, was that Kelly and his trainer were on board because of those selfsame concerns.

Walking to Engineering, Jim saw his Chief Engineer chatting amiably with Robinson's trainer.

"Scotty?"

Both men responded as one.

"Yes?"

The Engineer raised a Spockian eyebrow, as he had since the two men were much younger, and the same thing would happen.

"Captain, I have done ye a great disservice. This is my rogue of a cousin, Alexander Scott, disgrace and heartbreak to The Clan Scott!"

Alexander "Scotty" Scott nodded mockingly at Montgmery "Scotty" Scott.

"You'll have to forgive Monty, Captain. You see, the man is an unrepentant bigot. He firmly believes that an English University like Oxford can offer a good Highlander nothing but corruption."

The Engineer nodded, just as mockingly.

"It surely robbed you of your good honest accent, Alex. Ahh, but its good to have you here. Captain, sir--you are staring at the best improviser a gadget ever saw. It runs in the family."

Alex agreed.

"Actually, Captain--when the wind begins to blow, and you are wearing those kilts near The Arctic Circle, you find the entire family starts running!"

Scotty followed his Captain, while Scotty met with his partner. Each had their own concerns.

"Other than the tabloid trash, what do we have on Kirk?"

Alex Scott shrugged.

"Not much. Parents deceased. Never married. One son. Ruthless opponent. You don't want to go up against him--ever."

Kelly looked up.

"Ok. Give me a for-ruthless."

Alex sat down.

"Monty swears by him, and that's good enough for me. You can't fool that man, and that's with five fifths in him, mind you. But--I wouldn't put it past Kirk's planning brain to murder all those people, just to draw Karidian out in the open. Not that I think that's what happened."

Kelly re-read everything they had, which was precious little.

"Kirk is not our suspect. Never was. Tom Leighton had it called right. Koridian is Kodos. Its all there."

Alex threw down the papers, a little upset.

"So? We have authority. The ship has a brig. The man is a murderer, thousands of times over--just what in blazes is The Company waiting for?"

Kelly more than understood his friend's anger.

"Scotty, you and I both know that Section 31 keeps its own counsel. But on this one, I agree. They want Koridian exposed as Kodos, during a performance, with legal, useable evidence on hand to begin prosecution with. More and more remote colonies are being built. The UFP wants those governors to know--we don't forget. You pull something--we'll find you. No more 'regrettable but necessary actions. End of that. They get ideas about how things 'should be', they go away. Far, far away. For a really long time."

Alex appeared calmer, but still disturbed.

"Kelly, this organization is beginning to stink from the neck down. Do you know that they've drawn up a plan to create and fund an alliance of malcontents, just to draw them out into the open? The Section is going to base them in The Badlands. Those poor fools will be taking orders from the very people they'll think they're rebelling against."

Kelly was no happier about this, but offered some perspective.

"One--its not a new plan. The old American CIA did the same thing with Operation : Militia. Two--it worked pretty well, except for Oklahoma. Three--The Director will never approve that kind of thing, in the modern era."

Alex had the last word.

"The Director is an honorable man. So are the people likely to succeed him. Its the people after them that worry me. Unless hell freezes over, and they get us behind a desk."

While the two agents plotted how to expose the butcher-turned-actor, Alex's cousin talked with his Captain.

"Captain---a word, in strictest confidence?"

Jim Kirk nodded.

"Of course."

"Cousin Alex was not fond of wearing a kilt, even when the occasion called for it. Would you like to know why?"

Kirk trusted Scotty enough to let the conversation go where it might.

"Yes, I would."

Scotty's eyes showed he was quite serious, despite his speaking in code.

"Because---kilts are known for not hiding secrets terribly well."

Kirk thought this was some kind of innuendo, until he fully analyzed Scotty's words. He then knew what the other Scotty and his partner really were.

"Yes...I understand. Thank You, Mister Scott. A most enlightening anecdote."

Kirk arranged with Spock to have an eye kept on the hyperball pros. He wished that his experience in The Mirror World hadn't forever soured him on the idea of an internal locator program. But then, men like Scott and Robinson could probably evade that with little effort.

A few hours later, Kirk received a call from Sickbay.

"Bones? Is anything wrong?"

"Jim--Kevin Riley is dead. Please come down here, as soon as possible."

When he arrived, Kirk was massively displeased, but not for the reason he was drawn down for. He looked daggers at one of his dearest friends.

"You lied to me, Doctor. Over the ship's intercom, no less. Now you will tell me why, or I swear, Bones, I'll put you off the ship."

Kelly Robinson and Alex Scott emerged, with the very-much alive Kevin Riley in tow. Kelly spoke up.

"He was acting under our authority, Captain. I'll assume you know the name on this document?"

Kirk glanced, a bit put off by what he saw.

"Yes, its a name that I've forgotten on many an occasion. What's your game, Robinson?"

Alex Scott took point.

"Captain Kirk, we know that your dealings with The Company have been few and sour. That's in contrast to our dealings, which have been many and sour. I'm asking you to trust me now as you would the man who keeps this ship's heart beating. Now, he told me that you have his trust. Well, I also have his trust, and Kelly in turn has mine. We all want the same thing--the murderer, and Kodos. I say we take all that extended trust and work towards that goal together."

Kelly followed through.

"If they think they got Riley, they'll concentrate on you. Now, no offense to our young friend, here, but I've got a feeling that you'll survive what's to come next, where he might not." Kirk shook his head.

"That sounds good, but Scotty--Kelly--you keep talking like Kodos is not our murderer."

In what must have been a Scott family quirk for ages, Alex closed his eyes, and gently shook his head.

"That's because, Jim--he's not."

Kirk went his own route, hoping to trip Karidian up. But neither a recitation of the infamous 'Tarsus Apology' nor the romancing of his only daughter helped to nail the slippery character down.

McCoy became concerned.

"Spock, how do any of them know that they're going to prove Karidian is Kodos?"

"Doctor, do you know how our guest agents found Karidian's true identity?"

"No, I have to say I don't."

"Quite simple. They combined all circumstantial evidence, and then checked his public speaking record. He is quite fond of saying that he is the Macbeth's Macbeth."

"So?"

"Doctor, don't all professions have superstitions? Lines that are kept uncrossed for no logical reason?"

McCoy nodded.

"The Scottish Play. That's what actors call Macbeth, for fear of bad luck. Then, Karidian has not been an actor all his life. A small thing, Spock. But it either shows a man who is incredibly arrogant, or tortured by guilt, waiting to be caught."

"The Play, Doctor, Is The Thing."

The play, in this case, was Hamlet, and Kirk stepped onto stage to say a few words beforehand.

"I ask at this time, that we remember Lieutenant Kevin Riley, who left us a few days ago. Kevin's parents were, as some of you know, killed on Tarsus Four, almost twenty years ago."

The troupe of actors stayed back, waiting for Kirk to finish. And they would wait.

"They, and many thousands of others, were killed by---"

Kirk pointed at a stunned Karidian.

"This man, Governor Kodos. I have, until now, kept my direct eye-witness status quiet. But now, Mister Karidian, you'll answer for your crimes. All of them."

Just offstage, a trigger was repeatedly squeezed--to no avail. Alex and Monty Scott grabbed the phaser and an angry Lenore Karidian. Monty held her flailing arms still.

"I've no desire to strike a lady, but you I'll make a clear exception for, lassie, if you move again."

Alex held up the phaser, showing its empty bottom.

"Funny thing about phasers, you see. They need power to run. Otherwise, they're just plastic costumery--like you use in a play."

Backstage, Kelly played hardball with Kodos.

"Your little girl is going down, Governor. Multiple murder charges. Not pretty. Now, is it a full-blown trial for you, and she goes to a penal colony, or do you confess, denounce your actions, and she gets sent to a decent rehab colony?"

Lenore struggled.

"Father, No! You did nothing wrong!"

A new arrogance flooded the actor's face.

"No. I did not."

Kevin Riley came out of hiding. He looked Lenore in the face.

"Shut your useless mouth."

Kevin then punched her, sending her sprawling. Kodos was infuriated.

"Why? Your grievance was with me!"

Riley looked over, and hoped his career wasn't over. But at that point, he regretted nothing.

"You killed my parents. There was no way that hitting you was going to hurt you as much as watching what I had to. A lot of lives were ruined, there, on Tarsus. Some of those kids who lost their parents - ended up in prison. Got me?"

Kodos saw Lenore led away, and nodded at Kelly.

"It would seem my greatest performance yet awaits me. The Great Mea Culpa."

Kodos would go to the Brig, and be transferred to a Starbase for extradition to Earth. The statements he would make indeed persuaded many a remote governor not to become an executioner for expediency's sake.

On the Enterprise, Kelly's admission of directing Riley's actions did not help the young man with his Captain.

"Riley--you've had your vengeance. Now find another ship. Mister Robinson--you are the least manipulative member of S31 I've ever dealt with. I do not mean that as a compliment, though. The need for your kind disgusts me, frankly."

Kelly nodded.

"Jim--it disgusts me. But will you at least concede the need is there?"

"I want to, Kelly--but I can't. Mine is an overt world."

Kelly grinned, and shrugged, as he an Kirk walked down the hall.

"Overt--overt. Tell me, who taught you that word, Jim--the android Doctor Korby or Zefram Cochrane?"

Jim sat and talked with Kelly Robinson a while, and his words cut the starship Captain a bit deeper than he would have liked.

* * *

Meanwhile, Alex Scott went with his cousin Monty. Monty asked a question of Lieutenant Uhura.

"Uhura--my cousin's with us for a few more nights. Now I know you're seeing someone--but do you know which of the ladies isn't?"

Uhura looked pensive.

"Fellas--the only one I can think of is Claricia Rashduxtable. Fair warning, though. She embodies the words 'strident shrew'. She likes to shout her men down, always has to be right or else, and tries to control the lives of just about everyone around her."

Alexander Scott shrugged.

"What's the problem? She sounds like a wonderful woman to me! Tell me--does she like chocolate pudding?"


	9. The Galileo Seven Extra Large

**The Galileo Seven Extra Large**  
By Rob Morris

Mister Boma watched with satisfaction as the jury-rigged force-shield drove the giant hominids back for the last time. It was a shaky takeoff, but The Galileo made and then broke orbit. As it did, he mused.

"Damned odd thing about those troglodytes."

Mister Spock had, for the moment, done all he could, and so responded to Boma as they ascended.

"By odd, Mister Boma, I will assume you refer to their size and ferocity. But given their isolation, such an evolution is actually quite logical."

Boma shook his head.

"No, Commander. By odd, I mean it brings back a childhood memory. I once read a journal written by a Twentieth Century ancestor of mine. He was a man who disappeared for five years, then came back telling stories straight out of Gulliver's Travels. Said he and a group of his friends had actually found Brobdinang--the opposite of Lilliput."

Spock raised an eyebrow, but it was actually McCoy who raised the obvious.

"Boma--considering that Swift meant all that as an allegorical parody, and that no sapient humanoid could live that large, I think your ancestor was probably just ashamed of deserting his family, and literally told a tall tale. Hell, after The Civil War, there were Yankee boys in Atlanta who wouldn't leave, because they feared disgrace back home. Same thing with some Rebs in Pittsburgh."

Boma did not try to defend the wild story.

"I know, Doctor. But his accounts, they were so thorough, and coherent. They actually became more mundane as time went on--not wilder, like some of them you read. Except for the premise, any one would think he was telling God's own truth."

But then, the orbit began to decay, as the gravity well reclaimed them. If not for Spock's last-minute effort, the truth would have had them all dead.

As it was, the surviving crewmembers were recovered, and The Enterprise left that system safely. All seemed well--but on the asteroid below, a giant transport fetched back two giant wounded bodies.

A giant newsperson, an employee of her state's totalitarian regime, gave her remote live report. It would serve their propaganda ministry well. Most things did.

"The footage is undeniable. These two children, who were dropped off to play 'Caveman' on this distant asteroid, were attacked By 'Little People', a breed of parasitic humanoid not seen for three hundred years. The attack was unprovoked, and it was brutal. We must all be ready, as this threat and menace comes back to our civilization. As the tiny Invaders return to attack what must seem to them like a Land Of The Giants."

But the barbarians never came. 


	10. The Doomsday Game

**The Doomsday Game**  
by Rob Morris

Captain Kirk read Uhura's report of the approaching device with complete incredulity.

"It's a weapon--designed by Section 31--for use against The Klingons?"

All were thrown by this. Though it had yet to attack any worlds, the weapon's power was undeniable.

"Mister Scott--locate that funnel-lookig devices command and control chamber. Mister Spock, you and I are beaming in."

Once inside, Uhura relayed instructions to them from Starfleet.

"You should see a green box. Pry--but do not slam--it open."

Spock shook his head.

"Captain, No amount of prying will open the box. I fear we must try another method."

Kirk slammed the box. It opened.

"What the hell? We only have five minutes."

Hard-pressed to argue with results, they took Uhura's next instructions.

"Now--pull the red lever gently back."

Spock did just that--but the lever came off straight in his hands. He and Kirk stared dumbly at it. Spock offered commentary.

"A most sturdy piece of equipment."

Uhura spoke again.

"Now, detach the enabler wires from the positive and negative terminals----"

They did just that, to their eternal regret. Uhura added on, just then.

"----but first, cut power to the detonator."

Uhura now stared dumbly at her instructions, and realized the obvious.

"Ohhh---I am in sooo much trouble!"

Aboard the Device, Spock and Kirk stared at one another.

"Captain--I must suggest we depart."

Kirk nodded.

"Let's get the hell out of here!"

But then, it was too late. The device activated, and its incredible secret was revealed.

A great light appeared in the heavens, and, big as an asteroid, appeared the image of Starfleet CIC Komack. It spoke.

"To The Peoples Of The Klingon Empire! We Bid You Surrender! You Can Not Win."

Very much alive, Kirk stared out at the image.

"It's a Propaganda Machine!"

With the device defused, life aboard The Enterprise resumed its normal course.

Except for Uhura, whose reading of the instructions had been brought into serious question--and had earned her consequences.

Chekov looked over at her, and asked Sulu a question.

"Vhy does she never sit down, Hikaru?"

"Pavel—it's best not to ask. It came to be-- a tender subject."

Uhura overheard, and mumbled to herself.

"Sulu--you are sooooo right--oooww!!"

For his part, Kirk mainly walked around mumbling, 'But first, cut the detonator!'.

THE END


	11. The Prairie Syndrome

The **Prairie Syndrome**  
by Rob Morris

Private Journal : It was my sister Mary who found Jim, stumbling out of the old obelisk. He didn't remember who he was. We called him Jim, because he looked like a Jim. He tore into whatever chores he was given with a vengeance. He almost seemed to relish work he did with  
his hands. He liked hard work--though not nearly so much as he seems to like my sister. He hardly even seems to notice she's blind.

Now, at first, Pa was nervous about anybody who emerged from that old place. Legend has it, it's a marker for the people as brought us to our home, from a land of a Thousand Lakes. But Jim and he now get along like they were brothers.

"Charles, I remember different places. Strange places. But I can't hardly remember being in a better place--or with a better woman."

Charles smiled.

"Sounds a lot like you better ask a certain question of my daughter, Jim."

Mary called from the distance.

"I still have ears, you know. About time you spoke up, Jim! I was on the verge of asking you myself, ya slowpoke."

Jim rescued Mary's heart, when he married her. I'm kinda jealous, myself, but I'll live, so long as she's happy. Then, Jim went and rescued the whole town. That land swindler that Mrs. Oleson had hooked up with was turned away like he was nothin' at all.

"Friend, I've studied the treaty laws of this area---extensively."

Jim ripped the claim deed up, right in front of him, and then proved our case in court. Poor Mister Oleson sent his wife to stay with relatives. Even Nellie felt bad about what almost happened to our town. We all loved Jim, but somehow, I think we all knew--he'd have to leave. Then, the people came for him. The one fella, Spock, gave Reverend Alden the shakes, but he was so polite and calm, that passed soon enough.

"The asteroid?"

"Turned away, Captain. We are pleased to see you are alive."

McCoy smiled.

"And kicking. Jim, I've never seen you so happy."

"I am happy, Bones. But I can't stay. I have good reason to come back, though. Doctor, my wife, she's----"

"Not for long, she's not. I scanned her when she told me her new surname. Easily correctable, even with a field kit."

Mary then went running up to her Jim, tears flowing wild, like a house afire. But she wasn't crying from Jim's leaving. Like the rest of us, she just kind of knew that he would have to. No, my big sister's tears were tears of joy.

"JIM!! JIM!! I CAN SEE!!!!"

No one knows why all the sickly folks about town started getting well all of a sudden. But that 'Bones' fella is an old country doc like I'm William Shakespeare. Doc Baker likes fishing, so he wasn't gonna complain.

Jim was as good as his word, and returned whenever he could. His friends are great people, specially that Russian fella likes to claim he invented everything. When Little Jimmy was born, Jim brought two boys with him, name of David and Peter. David's all stuck-up, and doesn't like chores or schooling. As to Jim's nephew---well, let's just say that a certain Almanzo Wilder better clean up his act. Petey could tend to make a girl forget—apologies to the girl Mister Spock brought with him. I wonder how she is in a fight?

From The Early Journals Of Laura Ingalls Kirk, author of 'Little House Off Orion's Belt'


	12. Waiter, There's A Bug In My Soup

**Waiter, There's a Bug in My Soup**  
by Rob Morris

Miri was a great deal more cooperative these days-all of the Onlies were. To save their lives, the nigh-Immortality they possessed had been halved. It also led to a calming in their general demeanor. But for all this, Miri, like any other being, could only offer what information she had.

"I'm sorry, but all we remember is what I've told you. Weird people came, people from the stars, only they weren't like you. For a while, everyone got better. Some of them even went away with the star-people. Then they chased them away, because the star-people were taking us all for foolies. Some of the Grups used stuff the star-people had taught them to get even better--but they weren't as smart as they thought. Can I go take care of the Littlest, now, James?"

"Of course, Miri. Just don't strain yourself--in your condition."

"I'm going to have a Littlest, too."

Miri left, delighted by her enlarged stomach. Kirk watched her eave.

"Bones, those counselors...leaving two teenagers unsupervised, and that little rat...*Gee, uh, how do we know I did it?* -- I'd like to ring his little neck!"

"Jim, none of these kids had survived puberty before. This was all but inevitable, and the Littlest are delighted that one even littler than them will be along. Miri's in heaven-till the first 2AM feeding, that is."

"Still, I can't help feeling protective...Spock, does what she told us help with your hypothesis?"

"Indeed it does, Captain. The 'Harvesters' as they were called, happened upon this 'Earth'. As per their standard procedure, they enhanced the planetary population. For a time, their harvesting went smoothly. People merely walked into their ships, thinking they were going to another world. Instead, they were pulverized and made into meal. When this duplicity was discovered, they were driven off, to find easier targets."

McCoy nodded.

"But that was hardly the end of it, Jim. Shortly thereafter, the Harvesters died as a race. So damned ironic. They had wiped out all known disease in their "cattle", but the arrogant slime never thought to look for unknown diseases."

So the virus that wiped them out was the equivalent of the Human Immunodeficiency Virus?"

"Worse, Jim. Gestating in the meal-bins like that, hidden from their best scanners, it had become Strain 713 of Full-Blown Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome. At that strain wasn't wiped out till 2138!"

"So, their meal-tickets were instead, their tickets out. Their internal defenses wiped away because they were too lazy a species to use their own, richly-soiled world's agrarian potential. I hate irony...I really do. So this one document exposed their game, on this sad world. Spock, have you translated it, yet?"

"Yes, Jim, I have. Its title is innocuous, until you read inside, and realize that it is a detailed preparatory guide for the proper consumption of humanoid life."

"Damned thing. It's a cookbook, is what it is!"

"Doctor, I believe that is what I just said."

Jim stared numbly at the relic.

"It's A Cookbook!"

Submitted For Your Approval...................


	13. Shepherds At The Gate

**Shepherds At The Gate**  
by Rob Morris

In a holding cell on Argelius, Montgomery Scott prayed hard.

"Laird, ye ken me, though it is I have nae always turned to ye when perhaps when I was ought. I am no killer. A demon climbed inside me head, and I was too weak to fight him back. I am only as ye made me. I cannae beat this hellish beastie alone. Och, I plead for yuir mercy!"

Hovering outside of Scotty, the fiendish Redjac merely plotted and waited, and it laughed at his prayers.

When the séance was held, it laughed again, once more taking possession of the helpless engineer. But as the dagger was aimed at the heart of its latest victim, two hands held Scotty's fast. The lights came on.

Kirk saw a young, beautiful woman, a Celt like Scotty, holding one hand. The other was held by a rugged man with longish hair, looking like he would be at home on the frontier of the 19th Century or the Highways of the 20th. The man spoke, quite disgusted.

"It ends here, Redjac!"

The woman was softer in general tone, but it was clear that a judgment was at hand, nonetheless.

"You laughed at poor Montgomery's prayers, despite the rules. You must be touched in the head."

Spock spoke, the others present seeming transfixed.

"You are, I take it, familiar with the entity that has inhabited Mister Scott?"

The woman spoke again. She smiled at the Vulcan.

"Spock! I haven't seen you since you since your Kahs-Wan. Give Amanda my best, will you? She stayed up all that night for you."

"I...shall."

"As to Redjac, here, let's just say that, from before Gomorrah to Golgotha to 1880's London and beyond, his evil has been felt. But until he violated the rules by tormenting an innocent like Montgomery, rather than one of his wretched followers, we could not act as we have now."

McCoy was incredulous.

"Just who are you people?"

The man smiled at The Doctor.

"Leonard--you made the right choice. The cure wouldn't have helped your father. He wants you to know that. As to us, well, you could kind of call us an invisible security force. We don't wear red shirts--but we have encountered more than a few of your people that did."

Struggling and briefly regaining his own voice, Scotty misspoke.

"Invisible Security? Ye mean ye are from Section 31?"

Thunder and Lightning flared briefly outside. Scotty winced.

"I'll just take that as a no."

Redjac reasserted itself inside Scotty.

"Captain Kirk! These two will take me away to be destroyed! You must grant me political asylum!"

Kirk almost laughed at the thought of handing that asylum case to the diplomats. He looked Redjac in the eye, so to speak.

"I guess then...Time is not on your side."

The demon winced.

"I used to like that song."

Which Kirk understood not at all. He asked the two helpers a question.

"Please. What are your names?"

The woman smiled.

"I am Monica, and this is Jonathan. But we've met before, James. You may not remember it, but we have. On Tarsus. On Deneva. And we will meet again."

Jim went for broke.

"On Earth, there lives a young boy, who recently lost..."

Jonathan raised his hand.

"Jim...that boy is firmly in His sights. Him and another. We're not the first or last beings of our type you'll ever meet. Trust me."

"I do."

Redjac spat out a last bit of venom.

"I am as nothing, Kirk! I merely serve a power so ancient and so blisteringly evil that your meager comprehension is inadequate to even begin thinking upon it!"

Monica slapped him across Scotty's face. Scotty did not feel it. Redjac did.

"That one will be dealt with in its time. Say no more or he'll not just destroy you-- he'll negate your existence from day one. And you know He can."

Utterly defeated, the thing was pulled out of Scotty. The intervening, eternal forces of good and evil both withdrew. Jonathan waved.

"Take care, all!"

The last word was left to Spock.

"Fascinating."

* * *

RIVERSIDE, IOWA, ONE YEAR LATER

Kirk came back from wandering in the foothills of his youth. A mother and a nephew, gone in one heartbeat. But hadn't Jonathan and Monica said the boy was in the sights of a greater power? What had gone wrong? Or had anything gone wrong? Had he been wrong to suspend common sense disbelief in things that couldn't be proven?

Jim felt odd. Spock was nowhere around, and yet there was a persistent feeling of a friend who would not leave, even when yelled at. At last, Spock did appear.

"Captain--we could not find you. Did you and Doctor Marcus have an argument?"

"Yes. Carol thought I was using the funeral as an excuse to tell David who I am. I told her off. I just needed to be alone, Spock. You mean you couldn't find me? The ground is a little muddy. It should be easy to see where I've been."

"But that's just it, Jim. I see you came from an easterly direction."

"That's right."

Spock pointed at the ground behind Kirk, seemingly pristine, despite the mud.

"Then---where are your footprints?"

Kirk would have his answer, but not for ten more years.


	14. Let This Be Your Final Judgment

**Let This Be Your Final Judgment**  
By Rob Morris

Samger stood firm.

"Captain, do not let his pleas for asylum sway you. He's had ample chance and time to prove his theory about the 'real' murderer. I have him. I will take him back. End of story."

But Rickim was also firm in his resolve.

"Captain Kirk, I am not a murderer. Like Doctor McCoy, I once took an oath to first do no harm. That oath certainly extended to my late wife. Back home, they have no interest in finding the real killer, and mean to put me to death."

"Oh, Rickim! How many planets? How many identities? You can't run forever. That killer is all in your head. That you show remorse speaks well of you, but justice demands your life be taken for hers."

Kirk turned to Spock, looking for a Solomon-like answer. Spock's eyebrow arched.

"Lawman Samger? Do you possess a DNA reading of Heleckim, Rickim's wife?"

"Of course, Mister Spock. Might I add that DNA was all over Rickim, when we found him, holding her."

McCoy huffed.

"Imagine that! A husband having large traces of his wife's DNA on his person."

Surprisingly, Rickim jumped to Samger's defense.

"No, Leonard. As a physician, I am expected to undergo a thorough cleansing to remove any DNA not my own before surgery. But I had been lax, prior to Heleckim's murder. I'm only glad none of my patients suffered as a result."

Samger was, as always, thrown by Rickim's honesty about most matters. The lawman had never said this out loud, but he deeply wished to believe his target was innocent. Especially after the five instances in which Rickim had saved his life. Spock asked Samger one or two more questions.

"Samger. This cleansing. Would his patients have been checked by now?"

"Yes. Crazy jerk almost got himself caught once, tracking them down to tell them to be cleansed."

Kirk took the opening.

"You sound, Samger, like you're glad he got away."

"Don't twist my words, Kirk. We're right above our homeworld, and Rickim goes back to face his fate."

Spock finished up.

Lawman, who else would require such a cleansing, in the Heleckim murder case, and are they registered as having been in contact with her DNA?"

"Both medical and law professionals, Mister Spock. As for registry, one of the few times I'm thankful for our bureaucracy is when I see how tightly the DNA-cleanser technology is kept."

"Then it is reasonable to assume that no one living on your world should have traces of Heleckim's exact DNA sequence?"

Samger nodded.

"Not even her own family."

"I see. Mr. Martin, initiate the scan."

Ensign Quinn Martin did just that.

"Bullseye, Mister Spock. We have him."

All concerned made for the transporter room. With Samger in seclusion, the person who was transported up only saw Rickim. Samger had confirmed the scans that had this individual possessing traces of Heleckim's DNA that only recently upgraded Starfleet sensors could detect. Now, as this man appeared, Samger felt ill. For true to Rickim's word, this man had only one arm. He was shocked to see Rickim.

"You still hunting me?"

Rickim's face was red with rage.

"You did kill my wife."

The one-armed man pulled a weapon.

"Yeah, I killed her. Just like I'm gonna kill you."

But the lawman in Samger had been ready, and fired before the killer did. Once again, McCoy confirmed Heleckim's DNA trace on the dead criminal. For Rickim and Samger, the chase was at long last over.

"Captain's Log: Doctor Rickim returns to his world a free man, now no longer a Fugitive, and we of The Enterprise wish him and Lawman Samger well. I myself shall always take note of this day, in years to come, as a reminder that justice can be too blind, and that seeming enemies can work toward a common goal. September 1st-The Day The Running Stopped."


	15. Where Every Fury Knows Your Name

Where Every Fury Knows Your Name  
By Rob Morris

BOSTON, MA

As the former Lilith Crane exited Cheers, she looked up the stairwell, and saw someone descend.

"Well, well. If it isn't the great playwright. Welcome back, D...."

A telekinetic bolt destroyed her. Carla Le Beck shrugged.

"And me without my camcorder!"

But Carla was next to die, as the barstools came to life.

As Diane Chambers entered Cheers once more, Rebecca Howe grabbed a soda-dispensing hose, anxiously aiming it at the intruder.

"You will stay back--or-or--geez!"

Rebecca went flying out the back window. The angry Diane gestured and Melville's upstairs was destroyed. Woody Boyd shook his head, and threw down his apron.

"All right, Miss Chambers. Now I like to think we're friends. But if you're gonna go and do stuff like that, I'll have to ask you to leave."

Diane brought the glasses above Woody down on him. She then looked at Norm Petersen. He pleaded.

"Diane! Whatever you feel we've done to you, there's no need to slaughter innocents!"

She grinned, and surely enough, the beer tap was incinerated. Norm had a fatal heart attack at the sight of it.

The people began to run.

"Where did she get this kind of power?"

Someone, sadly, had an answer, as he always did.

"Well, there, yer studies show that telekinesis is like doubling a penny, each and every day, till By the month's end, you got--ah--yerself a tidy pile of pennies. It all started with the ancient Egyptians..."

Diane negated gravity's hold on Cliff Claven, who kept right on talking straight through until at last, merciful explosive decompression took him.

Now, only one remained. He emerged. He saw Diane's glowing eyes.

"Hello, Sam!"

"Baby, why are you doing this?"

She seized him and held him up against the wall By his neck.

"Three years ago, we were to be married. I left to help my literary career. You promised to check on me, after six months. You never did! You left me alone in a brutal world which I was unready for."

Sam looked down.

"Diane, that was TEN years ago, you told me not to call you, because of your schedule, and from what I've heard, all of your reviews were aces."

Her eyes stopped glowing, she let him down. She nodded her head, smiling.

"THAT'S right! Oh, Sam. I've been in such a snit. Can you forgive me over Cappuccino?"

Sam looked around at the carnage.

"Nooo. Diane, I am not feeding you Cappuccino after this."

She huffed, and turned to leave.

"That's fine, Sam. If you are going to choose to be petty and vindictive, there's nothing I can do about it--TA!"

Hours later, as Sam sorted through the bodies and wreckage, a visitor from Seattle paid a call.

"Sam?"

"Yes, Frasier?"

Frasier Crane looked at what was left of Cheers. He gestured broadly.

"This carnage--this utter chaos!"

He put his hands firmly on his hips.

"Why didn't you tell me that Diane was coming By?"

Later that day, Sam had dinner with a redheaded Councilwoman named Kate. Together with Frasier, they took a river cruise down the Mississippi, all the way to The Delta Region. Sam had wanted to take a different cruise, but Kate insisted.


	16. Just One More Random Thought

Just One More Random Thought...  
By Rob Morris

The Mari Officer seemed unimpressed with Tuvok's theory.

"Over and over, Mister Tuvok, you have said that this woman's violent thoughts were somehow taken from her. But that black market you speak of could have developed afterwards."

Tuvok gave up.

"Your analysis lacks all reason. You have come to a conclusion, and have decided to eschew evidence that contradicts that conclusion. Perhaps the regional constable will be more logical. Your name, sir?"

The man looked up.

"Oh, me? I'm--just--nobody. Welll, not nobody. Uh, listen, Mind Peace Officer, did the nice old lady in question ever bump into Ms. Torres?"

"No, Detective Pefalkolmbo. But it obviously spread through the ether."

"Ohhh, Ok. The ether. Geez, what are the odds of that? Officer--What Are The Odds Of That?"

"It is possible."

"What a stoop I am. Mister Paris, aren't I a stoop? I meant to ask you what the odds are, but I went and asked you whether or not that's possible. So, lemme reiterate : What are the odds of Ms. Torres transmitting her bad thought to someone she hadn't even touched nor seen?"

"It is a rare occurrence, I will concede."

Pefalkolmbo shook his head, and looked at Ensign Kim.

"Harry! Ya gotta help me out here. I'm missin' By a mile. If you understood my garbled question, wouldja be a pal and repeat it to Officer---"

"There are no known occurrences!"

The Detective stared at the officer with a confusion that, on the surface, seemed sincere.

"Ok. No known occurrences. But it has been proven that it could happen, right? By the way, that's a snappy new uniform you Planetary types are wearing nowadays--Very Dapper."

"It has been widely theorized it could happen exactly as I said."

Pefalkolmbo nodded his head.

"Alright, then. We've got a broad-based theory that backs up the state version of events. Sorry, Miss Torres-but I promise you it won't hurt much."

Pefalkolmbo turned to leave, then stopped, lifting his finger.

"Officer--officer, Just One More Thing. How many of the violent cases you've taken in have had Miss Torres' thought lodged in their cranium?"

The woman nodded with the authority she mistakenly felt she had regained.

"Over seventy-three, Detective."

Pefalkolmbo pulled a crumpled piece of paper from his pocket.

"Excuse the condition of the article-I'm truly sorry. But hey--would you say this gentleman pictured here is our world's leading Theoretician on the Mental Arts?"

"Without question. He is never wrong. He knows the sentient mind, in all its permutations."

"In other words, he is the expert's expert. Is That A Fair Assessment?"

"Absolutely. He was my instructor, at the academy. Do you seek to disparage him?"

"ME? Noooo. This man knows his stuff, I think we all know that, now. But what interests me is this statement, and I'm quoting here : "An incalculably savage mind, thinking naught but evil thoughts, could, absent any contact, infect as many as---people, on a planetwide basis. Officer, I don't have my glasses. Would you read that number for me?"

Her voice broke.

"That number---is four."

"Four? Are you sure it's four? Because that can't be. That's just not right. Miss Torres managed, through the ether, to infect almost twenty times the amount of people that our world's very best believes is possible. I mean, either he was wrong--or Mister Tuvok's crazy notion just might be a good one. Officer, I'm just a regional constable, doin' my job. What do you think should occur? Cause I'm not finding it here."

Fighting not to break her own laws, The Officer left the ship. Torres was free to go, and the underground markets exposed to the light of day. Pefalkolmbo went to leave. Janeway grinned, and grabbed the odd man. She kissed him.

"Just One More Thing, Sir."

"Yes, Captain? Very fine, well kept ship By the way. What's The one more thing?"

"Let's go to my quarters--and Detective?"

"Yes, Ma'am?"

"Call me Mrs. Pefalkolmbo. Then we'll see what spins off."

* * *

_Dedicated to the memory of the great Peter Falk._


	17. The AlfSpring

The Alf-spring  
By Rob Morris

(Deanna and Wesley walk in on the end of Data's experiments)

Data: I am pleased that you are both here. My offspring is ready to choose its outer form.

(We see the holo-controls lay upon the familiar framework of Alf)

Deanna: It's chosen the form of a male Melmacian.

Wesley: Data, have you given your child a name yet?

Data: I have. I choose to call him Android Life Form--or Alf, for short. Alf, say hello to Wesley.

(Alf looks up at him)

Alf: Wesley, huh? So just how many days was your mother in labor?

(Wes winces; uncertain if the new android understands what he's saying; Alf turns and looks at Deanna)

Alf: Geez, the anti-gravs have gotten advanced lately. Pleased to meet all three of you.

(He leaves with Data; The two stand there, dumbstruck)

Wesley: Labor?

Deanna: Did he just make a remark about my...

(Up on the Bridge; Data is in Picard's ready room)

Picard: I merely wish that you had informed me, Data. What outer form did it choose?

Data: The form of an extinct male Melmacian. Melmac is a destroyed planet....

(Picard gets up from his chair in a panic)

Picard: Melmacian? My God!

(Goes out onto the Bridge)

Picard: You! Get up from there.

(Alf is sitting in the Captain's Chair; looks around and nods)

Alf: So this is the final frontier. I like what you've done with the place.

(Picard purposefully strides up to the chair)

Picard: Is there anything at all I can do for you?

(Alf looks him over)

Alf: The captain has a waiter. How schwanky.

Data: Alf--this man is the Captain. Captain Jean-Luc Picard.

Alf: Well, I knew he wasn't Captain Minoxidil.

Data: I believe that you should vacate his chair.

Alf: And just when did he call 'dibs'?

Data: Alf, I must order you to leave the Captain's chair immediately.

Alf: Why? So he can---Ro-gaine it? Get it? Regain? Rogaine? HA! I kill me.

(Alf is thrown out of the chair By Picard)

Alf: Pushy, pushy.

Picard: Mister Data--immediately instruct your son on protocol.

Alf: I know all about Protocol. Goldie Hawn was in a rut when she made that. I think she picked it up from Burt Reynolds.

(Data narrates his personal log)

Data's Log: Alf appears to have mastered many emotions. Indeed, his progress is stellar. He appears to have taken a great interest in Spot's growth and development.

(We see Alf stalking the decks, sniffing about)

Alf: Hereeeee, Kitty-kitty-kitty-kitty. Alf doesn't know how to use the food replicator yet.

Data's Log: He is interacting more frequently with the crew

(Alf talks to Geordi)

Alf: You want to score with chicks? NO Problem! Just find some way to have them overlook your obvious handicap.

Geordi: My visor?

Alf: Your haircut. Stay away from that butcher, Mister Mott. (Whispers) You should see the mess he made with the Captain.

Data's Log: There are some signs that his neural nets are overloading.

Wesley (In 10-Fwd): Alf, what's the distance in geo parsecs to Brigktor Four?

Alf: How should I know?

Wesley: Your positronic brain can handle over 9 billion calculations a minute.

Alf: Yeah, but I never liked math.

Data's Log: His experience working in Ten-Forward has proven invaluable

(Guinan finds him behind the bar; Blasted drunk)

Guinan: HOW did you drink all the hard liquor?

Alf: I left you the green stuff. I have my standards.

(Talks to Riker; Rubs the top of Will's head)

Alf: Does Shatner know you stole that thing? And when Chris Farley played you on SNL, wasn't it eerie just how much you two really look alike?

(Riker grabs and reaches over the bar and starts strangling Alf)

(Data walks in)

Data: Commander--what are your intentions towards my son?

(Worf has to drag Will off of him; Worf glares at Alf)

Worf: Be wise. Say nothing.

Alf: Does your family miss you?

(Worf looks surprised)

Worf: Which of my two families do you refer to?

Alf: The one with Master Splinter, Leonardo, Raphael, Donatello.....

FIVE DAYS AND MUCH RECONSTRUCTION LATER....

Alf: Klingons have no sense of humor.

Data: This is largely true.

Alf: Hey, Pop? Where's my brother Spot?

Data: You will be informed of that only when the restraining order has expired.

Data's Log: I sent Alf to help Doctor Crusher in Sickbay. He was assigned to a case the Doctor does not care to handle herself.

(Alf talks to Barclay)

Alf: Listen--the odds of this allergy making your nose fall off are just not that high. 1 in 3 is not as bad as it sounds. Go relax on the holodeck.

(A shaking Reg exit's; Beverly shakes her head)

Crusher: You are aware that he's a holo-addict, right? And a hypochondriac?!

Alf: What's your point?

(Shakes her head; Looks at hair strand under microviewer)

Alf: Don't tell me I'm shedding. Or do androids even shed?

Crusher: No. That's a hair strand from when Q turned me into an Irish Setter.

Alf: A little hair of the dog that was you--HA!

Data's Log: In school, Alf has formed a bond with the other students, and has helped organize activities.

(Alf and the children confront the teacher)

Alf: Look, it's either chocolate milk everyday or no spelling bee. Now do we have an understanding on homework, or does the hamster get it?

Data's Log: An Admiral from Starfleet has questioned my ability to raise Alf properly. But I am confident Captain Picard will represent our rights in this matter with his usual passion.

(Picard talks to Admiral)

Picard: Well, I suppose Starfleet does know best in these matters. How soon will you be leaving with him?

Admiral: Well--I haven't decided on that, just yet.

Deanna: I was just observing how poor a parent Data truly is. Alf will be raised to his full potential By those who know best.

Crusher: I just don't want Data to make the mistakes I made with Wesley.

Wesley: I'm really messed up. Mom just flubbed the whole thing. We don't want --poor, poor-- Alf to suffer like I did.

Worf: Data is a good friend and a great officer but a massively unfit father. Plus, his cat will not move out of the shielded brig.

Geordi: I think Data may actually be Lore in disguise. That makes it vital Alf be protected.

Riker: A noted jurist once said that Data is little more than a toaster. Would you want a toaster raising a child?

Admiral: Well, we don't just want to rip him out of his father's arms.

Picard: What's your point?

Data's Log: I was forced to surrender Alf, despite the best efforts of my dear friends.

Alf: Dad--willya think of me?

Data: I have been ordered By the Captain not to.

Alf: Wise man, that Picard. Well, good---

(Data sees a suitcase get up and walk away)

Alf: Boy, that crazy Spot. Can't stay away from me.

FIVE MONTHS LATER....

Data's Log: Alf has done very well while away, and has shown an aptitude for nothing less than the Admiralty itself. Yet in my incompleteness, I have created yet another offspring.

Wes: Well, what did this one choose?

Picard: Yes, Data? And what form did this one--not choose?

Deanna: Please, we're anxious to know.

(All look nervous)

Data: The form of a male Terran equine. Edward-- please come out.

(A horse saunters out from the room; whinnies)

Horse: Hellllo---I'm Mister Ed.

Riker: Of course.


	18. Brain Squad!

Brain Squad!  
By Rob Morris

STARFLEET SQUAD! - IN COLOR

(The Narrator Speaks)

TONIGHT'S EPISODE: SPOCK'S BRAIN  
(But screen reads 'Comes A Horseman')

"Detective's Log, Frank Drebin on duty. I was investigating some destroyed planets when I got a call about a Code 3.14156. Someone had stolen a Vulcan's Brain. I decided to put the lineup off till later."

( We see The Doomsday Machine, The Whale Probe, V'Ger, A Borg Cube and The Crystalline Entity all lined up next to a star )

"Don't any of you even DREAM of trying to leave this Quadrant!"

"Before I left, I decided to stop off and see good old Quark."

Quark, what do you know about a Vulcan's Brain?"

"Detective, I am merely a humble businessman. What do I know about such weighty matters?"

(Slips him a small bar of latinum)

"All right. They can't last more than twenty-four hours without it. But if you bring ----this control device---- you should be able to move him around in a most undignified manner."

(Drebin leaves; Q appears)

"Quark, how do I undo a causative temporal loop that I myself didn't create?"

"Do I look like a physicist?"

(A bar of Latinum)

"All right. God does NOT play dice with the Universe. He does, however, play pinochle!"

"As I passed by Wolf 359, I saw that the Federation was still cleaning up from that disaster."

(In space are maids, construction workers with Jackhammers, and guys with power sprayers. Some Borg are eating donuts)

"Finally, I got to the USS Enterprise. As usual, Odo was there before Me."

"What've you got, Constable?"

"Well, Frank, let's just say that my people have cast me out again."

"All Right."

(Together)

"My People Have Cast Me Out Again."

"Odo and I decided to ask the Ship's Captain, James T. Kirk, what he knew."

"All I know, Detective, is My Friend Is Dying And I Can't Help Him!"

"Sorry, Captain. But I don't know that one. Vic, you know 'My Friend Is Dying, And I Can't Help Him'?"

(In A Corner of Sickbay is Vic, on the piano)

"Yeah, Frank, I do. But howzabout something a little more bouncy?"

"Can't do, Vic. Deanna's on the 'D', remember?"

(Kirk nods)

"She sure is."

(McCoy screams)

"MAY I SUGGEST....."

(Sits down at Piano)

"I've Got You Under My Skin; I've Got You; Deep In The Heart Of Me;"

( As he plays, crew members drop dollars in a large brandy jar )

"We followed a lead, and traced Spock's brain to one of those out-of-the-way post-apocalyptic pre-Genesis worlds."

(Brute-Man shakes, scared)

"No! The soft ones come for us!!!"

(Frank nods)

"I thought they might swing that way!"  
(As Drebin and the others descend, Chekov fires his phaser at a mound-shaped rock, and then pushes a stick into the rock, moving it back and forth. The rock bursts, and popcorn comes out.)

"Jiffy-Pop is Russian Inwention, after all."

"Down below, we found some Theiss-wear bimbos wielding neural control devices. For some reason, I was unaffected. Some of the security folks weren't so lucky."

(On the ground, we see tiny red shirts around baked potatoes)

"We cornered the leader, who decided to play dumb. But she was dealing with a master of the art."

"Who Are You? You Are Not Morg? You Are Not Imorg?"

"No, I'm not Morg, and I'm Not Imorg. I'm just an honest cop, trying to recover a Vulcan's Brain. Now, show me how it's done!"

"No! We must use the back room for such things!"

(Drebin pushes her out of the way, puts on Teacher's Helmet. McCoy objects)

"Drebin! Your Brain is not configured for that thing. There could be side effects."

(We see Drebin has turned into Curly from The Three Stooges; then he is normal, and takes the teacher off)

"Oh, it's all so simple! EVEN a child could do it."

(In front of Spock's body is a Hi-Fi VCR with a Dolby Pro Logic 5.1 Sound System. Frank hooks it up with ease.)

"No, it's wearing off! Must--set--clock."

"Captain's Log--Luckily, since Detective Drebin successfully hooked up the sound system, we have managed to restore much of Spock's Brain, which we have digitally remastered."

"NO! You Must Not Take Him Away! WITHOUT HIM WE WILL DIIIIEEEE!!!!"

(Frank slaps her around)

"Get a hold of yourself! Get a grip, I said!"

"Detective, stop that!"

(Kirk tries to calm her down, starts slapping her, too)

"Stop It! Get A Hold of Yourself!"

(Scotty stops Kirk)

"Cap'n! The very idea...All right, you, Ah thought I told yew to calm down...."

(As she screams, we see Uhura, Chekov, Sulu, Rand, Riley, and the rest all waiting behind Scotty, some wielding large blunt objects )

( Spock's Brain is restored )

"Well, Doctor. You have done your usual exemplary job. Truly you are a fine surgeon with complete emotional control."

(Kirk looks at McCoy; He shrugs)

"Jim, it may take a few hours for everything to settle back in just right."

"What will become of my people?"

(Drebin)

"Your people will do just fine, Missy. But as for you, from now on, if you want to steal any brains, you'll have to do it at Statesville Rehab Colony."

(We see Spock playing with the Dolby Pro Logic System; Feedback hurts McCoy's ears)  
"I should never have done it."

"Done what, Doctor?"

"I should never have gotten the powered sub-woofer!"

(All except Spock laugh and freeze as the credits roll. Spock observes the phenomenon)

"Fascinating."

STARFLEET SQUAD! IS A DESILU PRODUCTION!

Next week on Starfleet Squad!

"Captain Janeway, let me just talk with your Mister Tuvok for a moment."

"May I be of some assistance, Detective Drebin?"

(Whispers to him)

"Nordberg, that disguise is brilliant!"

(Tuvok looks confused, then whispers back)

"Damn it, Frank, you want to blow my cover?"

Announcer: Detective Drebin travels to The Delta Quadrant to clear his partner of a crime he might well have committed!


	19. If Star Trek Were Written By

**If Other Genre Writers Tackled Star Trek**

**By Rob Morris**

* * *

**If Chris Claremont Wrote Star Trek**

* * *

Kirk: Uhura....Don't. We can never become close. That damned chair will always be a part of me.

Uhura: Jim--you've been like this, ever since I came back from the dead.

Kirk: It wasn't you that time, remember? Just a vicious clone.

Uhura: But she's gone...I swear it. Haven't the endless days and nights of my fighting back her presence in my soul proved that to you once and for all?

Kirk: I should never have married her. It's all wrong...all gone wrong. It can never be made right again.

Sulu: Kirk, are we just gonna sit around here, waiting for you to stop sobbing?

McCoy: This crew is on the verge of cracking apart, maybe for good this time!

Chekov: My friends must never know of my dread burden. This I must bear--alone.

Spock: I have gathered you here because we face a threat. It is a threat against which we may not succeed. Already, it has extinguished all light and all hope, everywhere. It hates without purpose. But we may not hate it. It only does what it must.

(The wall bursts open)

Janice Rand: Not so fast--you left me behind to die. Khan told me the truth, and gave me the power to avenge myself. But I won't use it till later.

(On Q'onos)

Kor: Kirk's forces demolished our people, stripped us of all defenses, and rendered us and our worlds sterile.

Kang: Then our supreme victory is assured! It was assured from the moment they fought back. Still, they are brave--I wish they could fight with us.

* * *

Next--on Deep Factor Nine ----

Sisko: Before Q died, he warned us of a still greater threat. He said the information we needed was stored in this crystal.

(He crushes crystal)

Sisko: But I say we go on ahead without it. Sure, it means some lives. But that's how battles go. We can't pick and choose our fights.

Bashir: He's Doomed All Possible Futures!

O'Brien: Or Just Maybe--He Saved Them.

Sisko: My Risk--My Choice.

* * *

And don't forget Generation Next, and The New Voyagers!

SNIKKKT!!!

* * *

**If Jack Benny Wrote Star Trek: Voyager**

* * *

Neelix: Now, Straight From The Scenic Delta Quadrant, Its The Kate Janeway Program!

('Could It Be The Breeze' plays as Janeway comes out)

KJ: Oh, its so good of you to show up. But I wish we weren't in such a mess. Those pesky Krenim are just wrecking the timeline. I mean, everytime they reverse the chronitons, my bank issues a reverse interest statement! It got so bad, I was forced to pawn Samantha Wildman. So far though, no one seems to notice. Now where is Tuvok?

(Tuvok comes into the Ready Room)

Tuvok: Wellllll, Cap'n Janeway, I hope you're happy. The pawn shop called and said they sold Samantha Wildman to ER!

Janeway: But I only left her there nine months ago! Y'know, I judged that pawn broker to be an utter cheapskate.

Tuvok: Mmmmm. You would be the one to consult about that, Cap'n.

Janeway: Now just what gives you the right to call me cheap?

Tuvok: Why, this here document you sold me, giving me the rights to call you cheap, moody--and in a perpetual badddd mood!

(Tuvok stops. Pulls off Vulcan ears, wipes off makeup)

Tim Russ: Ladies and Gentlemen, while I greatly respect and admire the late Edward Anderson, also known as Rochester, I want it known that I find this parody the most vile and racist....

(His contract is waved in front of him)

(He steps back in character)

Tuvok: Yes, Maam! You are always in a bad mood.

(Guests arrive)

KJ: Oh, Tom. Oh, Harry. Oh, Seven. Oh, Belanna. How goes your repair efforts?

Belanna: Well, we in Engineering took up a collection, and we should have some repairs done before long.

Tom: And I pawned my lieutanant's bars to pay for the new Bridge consoles.

Seven: Though humiliating, I find the money shoved into my G-String keeps Astrometrics profitable.

Harry: Captain, why don't you use the Starfleet-Authorized funds to make repairs?

Janeway: Now, Harry--I'm saving those for a rainy day.

Belanna: The ship is in ruins!

Janeway: But is it raining?!

Tuvok: Annoucing MISTAH CHAKOTAY!!!

(Tim Russ coughs)

TR: That voice hurts worse than Urkel's.

(Chakotay walks in)

Chak: Kathryn, I've come to declare to you my undying love.

Janeway: Then--I'll play my violin in celebration!

Chak: (Walks out) It just died.

(KJ puts her thumb underneath her chin, and her hand resting on her cheek)

Janeway: Well!

Tuvok: Good news, Capn! Those lousy Krenim backed off.

Janeway: But how, Tuvok?

Tuvok: Ohhh, that's easy. I warned them that we'd put you in charge of their vessel. After that, they just ran off  
screaming!!!

Neelix: Next on The Kate Janeway Program--The Kazon Crooners!

* * *

**If Gardner Fox Wrote DS9**

* * *

Text : Into his offices flies Benjamin Sisko, aka The Hawkman. Supposedly, he is the very reincarnation of The Emisarry Of Bajor. But to most, he is simply the bare-knuckled Chairman Of The Justice Society Of The Alpha Quadrant!

Sisko : Hmmm....office seems a little quiet. That just won't do.

Reaching back where other men wouldn't even look, Hawkman grabs a surprise--two Cardie spies, sent by IL Dukat himself!

Sisko : Its not like you boys to gallivanting out without Der Founder's stamped and notarized say-so.

Cardie 1 : Terran Dog! The Cardassian FatherWorld will rise up to take over everything, one day!

With one movement, Hawkman, who has no time to chew the fat with Cardie spies, sends them both into slumberland by knocking their thick heads together!

Sisko : Maybe by the time that pipe-dream happens, you'll even be awake again.

Realizing that there is no time at all to waste, Hawkman calls on the rest of the incredible men and women of The JSA.

In bursts the Princess Kira, the fabulous Wonder Warrior, created from clay by the Prophets Of Bajor.

Kira : What goes on here, Hawkman? My patrols had barely started when I heard the call.

Hawkman wastes no time in filling in the amazing Vedekzon from The Lost City.

Sisko : Couldn't be helped, Wonder Warrior. Seems that Uncle Dukie and Der Founder have had a falling out.

Kira : Ha! Now there was a romance even the dime-stores wouldn't have bought. When you have two thieves like that, working together, welllll......

At that moment, Worf Rozhenko, a man who received a mystic ring from Emperor Kahless himself, makes his entrance, to boot. He is The Green Lantern.

Worf : Hey, Hawkman---Don't tell me you needed The Lady's help in mopping up two lousy Cardies! Are you going soft on me?

Sisko : Not a chance, Ring-Slinger! But I thought maybe I should put you wise to trouble in The Axess Hilton!

Worf : That's one hotel I plan to visit only once. And that's when I come to demolish it.

Other members arrive, each in their own unbelievable fashion. As five JemHadar loyalists cower in terror, the smashing fists of Wildcat O'Brien put their plans of vicious sabotage to a proper rout!

Miles : Only five JemHadar chumps? That lousy creep, Der Founder, must be trying to insult me into getting sloppy. But that'll never happen.

JemHadar : We strike for her glory! We sing her praises!

Then, The Missus steps up to bat. Mrs. O'Brien wants roll some doughheads, it seems.

Keiko : Fellas, I can bet sure that song will never reach 'Your Hit Parade'. Not when its up against the song of The Black Canary!

Amazingly, her song opens the portal right to their holding cells, and the Kitrocel Fiends are down for the count!

Sisko : Oh, No! They're charging the cell door!

Yes, it seems that these ungodly fanatics will soon be at it again, until their sent back to dreamland. But that's what happens when sand gets in your eyes.

Bashir : Der Founder runs you lads ragged. Let The Sandman put you on enforced medical rest.

Yes, when the man The Axxess tried to change into a living weapon strikes back with his sand-phaser, its time the bad guys turned in for a long nap. And hey--they'll sure need it.

Kira : Nice work, Sandy! But you got your dream-dust in my morning Raktageno!

Garak : 

Proving that not every Cardie is a dumb stooge waiting for a kick in the pants and a punch in the mouth is Jay Garak, the Fastest Sentient Alive.

Garak : AfterallTheFlashcan'tletmydopeypeople', nowcanwe? SorryI'mlatetherewasaCardie ConvoyattackingVulcan, andIthoughtI'd helpourprimandproperalliesout.

Many times, The Flash forgets to relax his speech patterns after a mission. But hey, the other JSA members are actually used to it by now!

Hawkman : Well, lets get started before Jake Thunder and his Prophet make a showing. But saaaayyy---where in the purple Hades is Plastic Man?

Wonder Warrior, tough though she is, almost shrieks as her lasso comes to life. It was Plastic Man, the one and only fun loving shapeshifter, all along! What a crazy funster he is, that Plastic Man.

Kira : Can't you ever be a serious gentleman, instead of an escaped circus clown?

Odo : Not in my nature, pretty lady. You just wait--next week I'll be pretend to be your stocking feet!

Sisko : Enough of this falderal. I now call this meeting of The JSA to order, being its chairman. This is what we're going to do, to bring this war home to the stinking JemFoundCardners!

Wow! That Hawkman is sure serious, and the others are serious around him, so that means serious trouble for The Axxess! Buy OmniAster Comics#9, just next month, on Paramount Paper, which brings the comic-strip in right behind your very eyeballs! The Justice Society Alpha will be here to support The Good Old UF of P---Will You?

Also on newstands now : Sergeant Janeway of Voyager Company and Her Maquis Commandos, with action right behind enemy lines! Also featuring a classic story of Captain Federation and His Enterprisers!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

**If Haim Saban Wrote Star Trek: Deep Space Nine**

* * *

(We see Gul Dukat, frustrated after the Cardassian withdrawal, open up the Orb Of The Dumpster. The Pagh Wraiths infest him; He laughs)

GD: After Ten Millennia, we are free! It's time to conquer Bajor!

(We see Curzon's head inside an energy field, with Rom attending him)

Curzon: Rom--Dukat has freed the Pagh Wraiths! Assemble a team of officers with attitude!

(Officers stand together, calling out code names)

Sisko: Emissary!

Kira: Orbs Of Faith!

Odo: Law And Order!

Bashir: Enhancements!

Quark: Free Commerce!

Curzon: You are The Mighty Prophesyin' Power Niners!

Garak: And I am the evil Cynical Niner!

Curzon: But we may yet turn him into the Pragmatic Niner! Form MegaDefiant Zord!

Dukat: Yes, but I've cast a spell causing Starfleet's Admiralty to act like a bunch of boobs and nitwits!

GolDamar: But sir---they already acted like that.

Dukat: See how well its working?

(Back at Niner HQ)

Sisko: Curzon wanted more money and is gone?

(Jadzia, now in energy ball, nods)

JD: No one is indispensable on a Haim Saban show!

* * *

**If Larry Gelbart Wrote Star Trek: The Original Series**

* * *

(Uhura storms onto The Bridge)

Uhura: Captain Kirk! I must thoroughly protest the total lack of discipline aboard this ship!

Kirk: Boy, there's no pleasing some people. Just last night, I offered to let you discipline me in the weapons locker, but you got all meshunige then, too.

Uhura: I----Never!

Spock: Is that true, Doctor?

McCoy: You two just wait. Someday this will all come out!

Kirk: That sounds messy. I better have someone on garbage detail that day. Oh, wait---that's you, Bones.

McCoy: You call me that to compare me to a Sawbones, right?

Spock: No, Doctor. He calls you that because 'Bones' is usually what's left of your patients.

Uhura: Give me one good reason I shouldn't write a report to Admiral Komack---AGAIN!!!

(Kirk gets up, grabs and kisses her brains out; She stands there, stunned)

McCoy: Dis--gusting. Lets go write that report.

Uhura: Maybe---later, Len. Yeah. Wow.

McCoy: Kitten, are you feeling alright? You want me to look you over in Sickbay?

Uhura: Oh, oh no dear. If this keeps up, I'll just wait until there's a doctor on duty.

(McCoy glares as they walk out)

McCoy: You----GUYS!!!

K+S: We Are Not!

(As they leave, Sulu steps out in a TOS miniskirt)

Uhura: Tramp!

Sulu: You just wish you still had the legs for this skirt!

(Spock wields a McCoy-like instrument over Sulu)

Spock: Sulu---a human male may not achieve pregnancy.

(Sulu points to pillow over stomach)

Sulu: Hey, its a new century. How do you know this couldn't happen?

Kirk: Remove the pillow, Sulu. We may have company, and I'll have a hard enough time explaining McCoy's surgical record.

Sulu: Is that an order, sir?

Kirk: Yup-per.

Sulu: Then I refuse it. I demand that I be placed under House Arrest---back in Yokohama.

(The pillow is removed; Chekov bursts onto the Bridge, dozens of PADDS in hand)

Chekov: Sir, you must to be signing those things that you should have been signing that you did not sign because you were too busy signing the things that said you signed all of last month's things which you signed three months back.

Kirk: Chekov--I have no idea what it is you just said.

Chekov: Ees eet my thick Russian accent, Keptin?

Kirk: No, that's the only part I did understand.

(Chekov starts)

Chekov: Cloaked Enemy Wessels---ooo--a lot of them, sir.

(Kirk looks at Spock, standing by sensors)

Kirk: Why do we even keep you around?

Spock: I know how to operate the still.

Kirk: Good reason. Chekov, get me the intelligence.......

Chekov: ....report for Romulan activity in this sector. Already in your hands, sir.

(Kirk glares)

Kirk: Why I do keep you around?

Chekov: Because I know how to operate the still after Spock has had a few.

Spock: That makes him vital.

(McCoy and Uhura return)

Uhura: The Admiral is here!

(Picard emerges, except he's not quite Picard)

Picard: Captain, your ship is covered in meteorite dust! I want two men out on the hull, immediately, to clean it off! But first--- A Number.

(All stare)

Kirk: A number, sir?

Picard: Well, Yes. It's in the blood of every able Starfleet crewman! 'Oh, Buffalo Gal, won't you come out tonight, come out tonight, come out tonight, Buffalo Gal won't you come out tonight, and we'll dance by the light of the moon....

(He does a jig, and dances off the Bridge)

McCoy: Will the Admiral be leaving us?

Kirk: In a rubber shuttlecraft.

* * *

**If Rankin-Bass Wrote Enterprise**  
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2151

The Captain entered the Bridge, a quite jolly CO. A red-nosed reindeer entered with him.

"Ho--so this is the Starship Enterprise. The ship that can take us all over the known galaxy in one night. Its been a long road getting here."

Rudolph developed a bit of a sneer.

"Begging the Captain's pardon, but we'd have gotten this ship moving a lot faster if the Elves hadn't acted to hold us back, all these years."

"No one knows that better than I, Rudolph. Why, the Kringles worked with Zefram Cochrane to develop the basic technology for this ship. But for now, let's ignore the Elves and...."

*Put One Foot In Front Of The Other, And Soon We'll Be Warping Through Plutoooo; Put One Foot In Front Of The Other--And Soon We'll Be Warping Past The Borg!*

His song done, Captain Kringle took a tour of his ship. A small donkey tripped over his enormous ears, running over to him.

"Ensign Nestor, reporting for duty, Captain. I'm--I'm Navigation. Sorry about the ears. I'm not an Elf, by the way."

Lt. Cmdr. Rudolph lit up his nose, and smiled at the nervous youngster.

"Don't worry, kid. This isn't the 20th Century. We misfits all have a place, here in Starfleet. See...."

*We're a couple of misfits; But we beat all the bigots; Now's the era for misfits; That's how we will win!*

The small donkey perked up.

"Thank you, sir. I feel like I could carry this whole ship on my back, now."

Into the Doctor's offices they went, finding the Doctor quite immobile. Rudolph grabbed something in his mouth.

"Capftan--hif environmental headgeat!"

Captain Kringle placed the headgear upon the resident of Haagen Daaz One.

He awoke with a start.

"Happy Birthday! Boy, this is a really neat ship. I can't wait til somebody gets sick and nearly dies."

Doctor Frosty needed to work on his bedside manner. In Engineering, Kringle and Rudolph were nearly skewered by a pick-axe.

"Sorry, sirs. Just testin' the warp field stability."

Engineer Cornelius then tasted the edge of the pick-axe.

"Nothin'. Not a trace of deuterium, or other warp-field by-products. Keep tryin' boys!"

Leaving the odd man to his work, Captain Kringle called over another reindeer.

"Rudolph, this is our translator and Communications Officer, Clarice."

Rudolph nodded.

"Hi, Clarice. Long time no see."

"That was your choice, Rudolph. You left without saying goodbye."

"If I had said goodbye--could you have let me go?"

She looked down.

"No. You're--you're still cute, Rudolph."

As she walked away, Rudolph smiled.

"She thinks I'm cute!"

Finally, the Elf shuttle arrived. Rudolph looked at his Captain.

"You know he's gonna say it. All elves say it. Its in their silver and gold blood."

"Rudolph, there's a line regarding such comments. Now, I don't like this much more than you. But the Elves have been as much help as hindrance, as we sought out this last frontier."

"He's gonna say it!"

The Elf, Sub-Commander Hermie, looked about as he disembarked.

"Ahh. Humans and Reindeer. Such a tragic lack of proper Elfin dental hygiene."

Before Kringle could order Rudolph not to say the obvious, the Elf got to the point with typical bluntness.

"Captain, let me see your prisoner."

The shaggy abomination was bound in the brig. Hermie studied the alien.

"Captain, we can't return this Bumbles! His teeth have all been removed. His people will regard him as forever lost, and view us with anger for retrieving him this way."

Kringle shook his head.

"No. We're taking this fella home, Sub-Commander. This is a North Pole operation, not an Elf one, last I checked."

And so the standoff began.

Next Week :

The chronally shadowed figure stared at Kringle.

"You want to know who I am, Nicholas? Wellll....."

*I'm Mister Revision; I'm Mister Chron; I'm Mister AUness; I'm Mister Anomalous; They call me TimeMiser; Whatever I touch; Alters history in my clutch; I'm--too much---*

Smaller versions of the figure then began to dance and sing in front of him, providing a chorus.

* * *

**If Stan Lee Wrote Star Trek: The Original Series**

* * *

Kirk: No matter what happens--we must press on. The Great Galactic Barrier Awaits. Its secrets may yield up the solutions to all of our remaining ills.

Spock: Have A Care, Kirk! Is it not enough that your people have polluted all of our space? Must you extend your emotional dominions into the universe that lies beyond our galaxy?

Sulu: But if we can do this, we'll gain the secrets of Sub-Strata Astro-Power! And nothing can equal that prize.

Uhura: Besides, Spock. We have to beat The Klingons to The Barrier. Only our heart and spirit can guarantee their ultimate defeat.

Chekov: Bah! Starfleet! Where is the glory I was promised? When I'm Captain, the Galaxy can go hang for all I care.

McCoy: Sure, they didn't want a blind surgeon at first. But soon, they'll all learn of my true power.

Gary Mitchell: The device I've prepared has taken in all the myriad energies of The Barrier. Now--I will be like unto A GOD!!

Kirk: No, Gary! You have no idea what those energies will do to you. You may---not survive.

Mitchell: No! The settings were all wrong. My Face! Kirk--this is all your fauuullt...

(He blasts the emerging Janice Rand)

Kirk: She's--gone. But she'll always be remembered.

Spock: She was human, but she called me friend. Logicus Rex, there shall be a reckoning.

Chekov: I could have saved her--but I was thinking of my own glory instead.

Sulu: Is this the price of our pursuit of knowledge? Perhaps there are things we were not meant to know, after all.

Uhura: My oldest and dearest friend. You will not go unavenged. Your sacrifice will not be in vain.

Mitchell: Now you all will die!

(McCoy trips him with his cane)

McCoy: Er---did I get him? I was trying to get him.

Spock: Perhaps this Doctor is not so helpless as he seems.

Scotty: (Over speaker) Captain! By The Crusted Crud Of Cochrane, The Barrier has changed our engines into something-- beyond comprehension!

Kirk: (Balls his hand into fist) Then we won't rest until we've found------

(blends in with next issue blurb)

----THE SECRET OF THE UNIVERSE SHAPING ENGINES!!!

Enterprise! --- I mean, Excelsior!

* * *

**If Tex Avery Wrote Star Trek: The Next Generation**

(Opening Credits)

"FARPOINT FREE-FOR-ALL---OR WAS THIS ENCOUNTER REALLY NECESSARY?"

(Q sits in judgement over the TNG crew)

Q : We declare thee to be a morally inferior and corrupt species, in need of our merciful killing.

(Tasha pulls her sidearm and is frozen)

Data : Excuse me, Mister Q. I would prefer that you did not freeze Lt. Yar.

Q : Oh, really? Begone!

(Disperses Data's atoms)

Q : Ha! He'll not bother us again!

(Data is standing on the other side of the throne)

Data : Indeed. The dispersal seemed most complete.

Q : (Raises Eyebrow) What?!

(Calls down lightning; Data is fried)

Q : I didn't miss him that time.

Data : The empirical evidence would seem to suggest that is correct.

(Now, Q starts openly)

Q : Yah! (Pushes Data out window; It is thousands of feet down)

Q : Lets see him come back from that one!

(Data looks out the window with him)

Data : It would be most disconcerting if that occurs.

Q : But I--but you---but I---you must have a self-teleporter stuck inside you. (Tries to open Data's chest-plate; Is slapped back)

Data : Let us not get nosy, now.

(Q degraviates Data, sending him to a far distant but visible mountain that he then ignites into a volcano)

Q : Now that he's done with, let us review man's barbaric past. Behold, the grunting, wasteful Neanderthal!

(He gestures, and a Neanderthal in caveman garb appears with his back to them; It grunts three times, then turns around. Guess who it is---)

Data : This is a poor example with which to make your case. Neanderthals were hunter-gatherers very much in tune with and at peace with their environment.

(Now, Q's eyes bug-out and his jaw drops)

Q : Leave me alone!

(Pulls out Data's arm, only to find wiring running seemingly forever; He pulls and pulls)

Q : This will teach you a lesson---I---

(At the end of the wiring is a message)

'LONG DARN ARM, WASN'T IT?'

Q : I--I must confer with the other Q!

Data : To that end, please borrow my communicator.

Q : (Not thinking) Thanks. Hello, Q Continuum?

(It is a stick of dynamite, of course; The explosion does not affect Q--directly)

Q : Blast them! They've banished me again! I need a drink.

Data : Please take this one I have made.

Q : Nooo. I'll take the one you're having. I'm wise to you.

(They drink, then stare at one another. Q begins to turn various pastels)

Q : What--was in that drink?

Data : It was green. As you are now.

Picard : An incoming message from The Enterprise!

Q : I'll take that!  
(He reads)

'GALACTIC NEWS NETWORK BREAKING NEWS : Q FALLS FOR CORNY OLD GAG.'

Q : (Livid) Stop playing games, or I'll kill the woman!

(Data slowly walks up; Grabs Q by the collar)

Data : You know what? Had I emotions---that would make me mad.

(He bodyslams Q hundreds of times, without effort or strain, all over the judges chambers; Twirls him, hurls him. Things  
break)

(Q is now in Sickbay, bandaged from head to toe)

Q : Could it be that Doctor Soong built more than one android?

(Around the many corridors of the Ent-D, we see about 1000 Datas)

All Datas : What do you think, Bub?

Picard : This picture would have been much better with MY story!


	20. Of Superior Mice And Men

**Of Superior Mice and Men**

by Rob Morris

**EARTH, THE MID 1990's**

The lead plotter fretted as he watched the secret launch of the cryo-ship Botany Bay.

"Our plans for these genetic supermen fell away to nothing all too quickly. They were beyond our ability to control. They were too power hungry, and far too bloodthirsty. Like Napoleon before him, Khan's arrogance awoke the ire of those he conquered and those he threatened. I was so certain that I had accounted for every factor, and I had. Every factor, that is, except the Human factor. They did not want an overt ruler, no matter his strength. Yet my plans for global power are many, and one will eventually succeed, I am certain. For as is said, tomorrow is another day, and tomorrow is also another night."

The second plotter asked an oft-repeated question.

"Why? What are we gonna do tomorrow night, Brain?"


	21. You Are Saiyajinly Invited

**You Are Saiyajin-ly Invited**  
By Rob Morris

(We see Goku talking to a dumbstruck Chi-Chi, his wife)

Chi-Chi: Married?! Those two are getting married? Goku, don't get me wrong. I certainly think it's a responsible thing for them to do, with a baby on the way. But Vegeta and Bulma are just SUCH a mismatch. The marriage probably won't last a year.

Goku: Oh, that's good. Because it's not really supposed to.

Chi-Chi: What?

Goku: Ya see, honey....they don't want to be married, they just want to get married, so their son will be legally recognized as heir to the throne of Saiyajins. Plus, it's just respectable. But after he's born, they plan to get a quickie divorce. So it's like…

(Chi-Chi faints, dead away)

Goku: Gee. Some people just handle weddings differently than others.

* * *

(Vegeta looks disdainfully at his tuxedo)

Vegeta: I am a warrior born! I will not be seen in this monkey suit!

(Destroys Tux with a power blast; smiles)

Vegeta: There. Who needs alterations?

Bulma: Vegeta!!!!! That tux cost money! Can't you be even a little considerate?

Vegeta: I still don't see why we need all this pomp and legal finery. Why don't we simply declare ourselves married? It's how it was done on my homeworld!

Bulma: Oh yeah right. Your homeworld is space dust, thanks to Frieza. You live on Earth, now, and you'll do this the Earth way!

Vegeta: Woman---eehehehheeh----NO ONE LIVING SPEAKS THAT WAY TO THE PRINCE OF ALL SAIYAJINS!!!

BULMA: THEN CALL ME NOBODY!!!

VEGITA: IF YOU WEREN'T CARRYING MY HEIR--I'D SEND YOU STRAIGHT TO THE NEXT DIMENSION!!!

Bulma: Oh, The Next Dimension. You're always going on about the next dimension. You sound like a parrot. Can't you just come out and say that you're going to kill someone?

Vegeta: But...there really is a next dimension.

Bulma: Sure. Goku and Yamcha went there.

Vegeta: Yes---but for true Saiyajins, it is different. A great grim mountain of eternal warfare!

Bulma: Ooh, Ick. Count me out. Surrounded for eternity by a bunch of grunting, smelly Saiyajins?

Vegeta: YOU should do so well.

* * *

(We see Kirillin, Yamcha and Tien hanging by their thumbs over a lava pit where the gravity is 50 times Earth's normal)

Yamcha: Next---uggh---time--we don't let Vegeta plan his own- -AAAGGHH- --bachelor party.

Tien: No wonder Gokou came to Earth as a baby. He and Chi-Chi had cake and shark-steaks at their pre-wedding parties. Oh, man. I can't last.

Kirillin: C'mon, guys! We gotta focus past ourselves. Focus on something that we all want. Like world peace, or an end to tyrants like Frieza's family. Let's all think of what we truly want.

(They close their eyes, and begin to chant after a few minutes' thought)

Kirillin: Killllll Vegitaaaaa....

Tien: Kill......Vegeta...

Yamcha: KILLLLLL VEGITAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

(Their faces distend from the screaming)

* * *

(Gohan nervously approaches Goku)

Gohan: Uh, Dad? I've got bad news. Promise not to lose control?

Goku: Gohan, I'm not like your mother. You can tell me anything.

Gohan: Well, yeah. But....promise me you won't lose control?

Goku: Hey, your old dad is always in control. Its people like Vegeta and Bulma that are never in control.

Gohan: Um, the news is kind of about those two, Dad. See--they kind of cancelled the wedding.

(Goku stands motionless and expressionless for about a minute)

(We then pan back and see a mushroom cloud explode up from Goo's position. He yells, and The Earth shakes.)

Goku: THOSE IDIOTS!!!!!

(Briefly, we see a napping Piccolo awaken, shrug, and go back to sleep)

(Back at the scene, we see a stunned, lightly bruised, thrown-off Gohan get back up as his Dad flies off)

Gohan: I'm glad he didn't lose control.

* * *

(Goku yells full in Vegeta's face, causing Vegeta's eardrums to almost burst)

Goku: NOW HEAR THIS!!! AFTER EVERYTHING EVERYONE'S DONE FOR YOU, YOU ARE GETTING MARRIED!!!

(As Vegeta writhes in audio agony, Goku punches Bulma in the nose)

Goku: As for you--be more tolerant. This is a mixed wedding, remember?

(As she falls back, injured but not fatally, and Vegeta continues to grab his ears, Goku scratches his head)

Goku: Waitaminute. I think that I was supposed to yell at Bulma, and punch out Vegeta. Well, as long as I can take them to the wedding, who cares?

(At the wedding, the bride's nose has been set, and the groom's ears have thickly-padded muffs on them. Both glare at a clueless Goku, who waves and smiles back.)

Kami: I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may now kiss the bride.

Bulma: (Nasally) Neu wahay!

Vegeta: What? I may now list the tides? What sort of nonsense is this?

(Behind him, a wildly grinning Tien, Yamcha, and Kirillin build up power blasts with which to attack the unhearing groom)

Tien: KamMe---

Yamcha: ---HaMe---

Kirillin: (All release energies) HAAAA!!!!

* * *

SIX MONTHS LATER......

Chi-Chi: Signal it again! The baby is almost here!

(Kirillin, still grinning, gives the signal. Vegeta winces from the noise)

Vegeta: WILL YOU PLEASE stop hitting that blasted GONG!!!

(In the background, Sisko, now a Prophet, views all this with his mother)

Sisko: And I'm supposed to learn precisely what from these alternate worlds?


	22. YesterRacer

_Go back with us now to a slightly different Vulcan, where young men prove themselves in the Kahswan...Desert Race? It's Mach a Go Go, Star Trek style. Go, Spock, Go! - A remix of the ST:TAS classic episode, 'Yesteryear'_

YesterRacer  
by Rob Morris

(Spock and Kirk emerge from The Guardian Of Forever)

Kirk: Well Spock I guess that jaunt through time is over. I'm glad to be back in our own time.

Spock: Yes Captain being in our own time is preferable to being in someone else's.

(They beam up)

McCoy: Hey Jim What Is This You Didn't tell me you were beaming up with A Vulcan?

Thelin: Mmmm. As your First Officer I wish I had been informed instead of you just beaming up like this oh well I guess it's done.

Spock: Captain traveling through the Guardian must have changed history we have to go back.

Kirk: Okel-Dokel!

(Spock goes into the past)

Spock: Hello Sarek I am your cousin Selek but I'm just passing through.

Sarek: Hello Selek I would like to talk to you but I must prepare my son Spock for the Kahswan Desert Race!

Amanda: Oh Sarek I don't know if I want Spock to be in the race it's really quite dangerous.

Sarek: This race is an important rite of passage for all Vulcans my wife and Spock must go through it too even though he's half-human.

(At the race Spock sees the trouble)

Saboteur: Hah that lousy Earther will never finish the Kahswan race after I sever his fuel line.

Young Spock: Wish me luck Cousin Selek I think I'm going to do quite well in the Kahswan.

Spock: I cannot stop the saboteur without revealing who I am but wait there was always one individual who helped me out in the past even if I never learned who he really was if only I could contact him.

Amanda: Be careful in the race Spock oh I'm so worried

Sarek: That's a fine vehicle he and I built but maybe I'll build a better one next time.

(The race begins; Young Spock is well out in front when his fuel line goes)

Young Spock: Oh no now I'll never finish the race and I might get killed as well

Amanda: Oh Spock!

Sarek: C'mon, Spock!

(Then, a car pulls alongside Young Spock's Racer and seals his fuel line)

Racer X: Good luck, Spock! I know you can win it!

(Little does Spock realize that Racer X is actually his older brother Sybok who left home years ago)

Young Spock: I wonder who Racer X really is I wonder if he's really my older brother Sybok who left home years ago

Spock: I still wonder who Racer X really was I wonder if he was my older brother Sybok who left home years ago

Racer X: Spock must never find out who I really am that I am his older brother Sybok who left home years ago

Amanda: Go, Spock! Oh I am so glad that Spock wasn't hurt or that he won't be leaving home like his older brother Sybok who left home years ago

Sarek: Amanda! Wife you are not supposed to talk about Spock's older brother Sybok who left home years ago Go, Spock!

(Spock crosses the finish line first, but the saboteur cracks up and dies)

T'Pau: Thee were completely illogical to not finish the race much like Spock's older brother Sybok who left home years ago

Announcer: Spock wins the Kahswan Desert Race!

(Spock poses outside the car)

Sarek: That is my son who won that race next time I will build a vehicle that can travel five times the speed of sound!

Young Spock: No, Father. There will be no more races I have decided to join Starfleet

Sarek: Hmmm. We will discuss this my son but not right now let's just go home and celebrate that you did better than your older brother Sybok who left home years ago.

(Spock emerges from The Guardian)

Kirk: Well Spock did you restore your past back to what it was?

Spock: Yes Jim but a saboteur died but that's just too bad because he should have tried to win the race fairly

Kirk: It's good to have you back Spock now we're all going on Shore Leave to a museum planet featuring the history and evolution of the automobile

Spock: That will be good Captain since I too have a fondness for automobiles

Kirk: Oh by the way your ward Saavik came with us by hiding in the shuttlebay's storage compartment again

Spock: I shall have Sarek speak to her since she is not supposed to do that!  
_  
Here He Comes, Here Comes Spock of Vulcan, Logic Dictates He Will Win;_

He Will Win The Race By Margins enough to cause undue excitement;

He looks like a demon because of ancient Terran beliefs;

But in the Surak Five he will thwart killers and thieves;

And when he calculates dire odds and gives them in precise detail;

It is a safe wager that; Kirk will like them well

Go Spock Race Now, Go Spock Race Now, Go Spock Race Now GOOOOOOO.......


	23. Yesterday's Satellite Of Love

**Yesterday's Satellite of Love**  
by Rob Morris

(Author's Note : This is a Self-MSTing; Partial credit must be given to the past master of all MSTings, Bill Livingston, whose basic structure aided in making this; based loosely on the TNG ep 'Yesterday's Enterprise')

(We see The SOL; Mike is hurriedly building something)

Crow: Awww, Mike! You promised no more tinkering after last week's decompression incident.

Mike: Crow, I am trying to build a device capable of generating a small artificial wormhole. This way, we can all duck out through it, and bypass Castle Forrester. Now, are you gonna help, or crack wise?

Crow: Believe it or not, Mike, I'd like to help. But a complete lack of faith in your ability to actually DO this thing, coupled with a complete lack of usable arms, sadly prevents me. Say, where's Servo?

(Tom Servo falls from some unseen dizzy height)

TS : Aaaagghghhh!!! Nelson, you MORON! I've been in space for a week, after you decompressed the cabin! Say, what are you doing now?

Crow : He's messing with the rules of Time+Space, oh, and I borrowed your underwear collection.

TS : GOOD LORD! Do you realize the fundamental forces you are trifling with?

Crow : See, Mike? Tom thinks you shouldn't try and build a wormhole, either.

TS : Not him! He has about as much chance of succeeding as Bobo and Observer have of reproducing. I was talking about my underwear collection!

Crow : Oh, well. It's a good thing, then. Yeah. A very good thing.

TS : Crow--what, precisely, is this good thing whereof you speak?

Crow : It's a Darn Good Thing I destroyed the evidence of what I did.

TS : Oh, well, if you destroyed the...evidence...? CROW! Where is my underwear collection?

Crow : I put the whole kit and kaboodle where they'll be no tribble at all.

TS : You gave it to The Klingons?

Crow : Gosh...Now, that might have been an idea. Nope, though. I beamed it all into space.

TS : SPACE!?

Crow : Yep. Absolute Zero. Boy, that Klingon idea really had merit. Tom, where were you when I destroyed your most prized possession? Thanks a lot, PAL!

TS : Crow, some of that underwear dates all the way back to KTM.......

Mike : Hey, guys...guess what? Wormhole's done--and it works, too.

TS : You mean, 'this time for sure, Rocky comes out of the hat, I'm  
gettin close' works?

Crow : Or is it, 'Land Of The Lost', 'gee Chaka got eaten by Big Alice, we have to cook Enoch to survive, and Will and Holly now spend a LEETLE too much time together' works?

Mike : What episode...Never mind. It works. We'll make our break after the fanfic is done. Oh, I hope nothing goes wrong. Of course, only one thing could.

TS : And what is that inevitability, Mike?

Mike : Wellll---if someone were to beam soiled fabrics into it....nahhhh. Underwear in space? You guys are right. My brain is going soft. Uh-oh. We've got a call from Jeanette, Lacroix, and Vachon. ( On monitor appears Pearl Forrester )

PF : Well, if it isn't Nelsonic The Hedgehog! Mike--I worry about you. Truly.

Mike : Gee, thanks Pearl. I....

PF : No. Not Truly. I guess my main concern is that you are growing accustomed to the pain I inflict. As a responsible torturer, this, needless to say, concerns me. I could try and remedy this by leavening the mix with some high-caliber well-written fanfic like 'Oswiecim' by Gabrielle Lawson. But Mike, Crow, Tom--that's just not me.

Crow : Pearl--NEVER go against your nature.

TS : Be true to who and what you are.

Mike : You are evil personified, Pearl. Trying to be something you're not--well, it's just wrong, is what it is!

Pearl : Thank You, guys. I love you. Now---I knew I had to strike out in a different direction, in order to better lash out at you. Then, I found this. Have you heard of 'Behold, The Ancient Destroyer!'?

Mike : Well, yeah. It's been well-received.

TS : Kudos right and left.

Crow : A serial that hooks you.

Pearl : Yes, so I've heard. It's your fic for today.

M : All right!

Crow : Oh, man, Pearl....wow!

TS : We're....being set up something awful, aren't we?

Pearl : Mmmhmmm. You see, the version you're going to be seeing is NOT the one people liked. No, this is the original version---the one that God Awful Trek placed at dead bottom of its bad fanfic list. The one the author himself was forced to abandon, after six long months of work. The one you have to Deja to see bare fragments of. The one where Captain Kirk doesn't even appear until SEVEN chapters in! Oh, and the author didn't know how to properly space lines at the time. The whole thing is...well, you'll see---you'll all see!! It's a combo of a Toho Monster and an unmade Star Trek TV series.

Mike : We'll just see about seeing about us all seeing, See? By the way, where are Brain Guy and Bobo?

Pearl : Who?

TS : You know--your nutty assistants and chew toys?

Crow : Your half-again helpers?

Pearl : Oh, Crow...When have I ever needed helpers? Scream loudly for Auntie Pearl, OK?

( Lights flash )

All : WE HAVE FANFIC SIGN!!!!

( They enter the theater )

Onscreen : BEHOLD, THE ANCIENT DESTROYER! BY ROBERT EDWARD MORRIS

TS : Ancient Destroyer? Can't we get a new model? Trade Up?

Crow : Nah, can't afford it. Keep this one, but rotate the heads.

Mike : Behold---now is that an order, or a suggestion? Cause I'm just not good with orders, ya know?

Onscreen : ONE OF ONE WAS THE LAST OF ALL THE BORG. THE EVIL KING GHIDORAH HAD SMASHED ALL THE OTHERS.

Mike : One Of One is the loneliest designation that you'll ever know.

TS : But Two Of Two can be as bad as One Of One. It's the loneliest designation since One Of One. Crow : ( Singing ) Ghidorah--oh-Ghidorah, tell me have you seen Ghidorah-- Ghidorah The Three-Headed Monster. Even in solitary, he's never alone, Ghidorah The Three-Headed Monster!

Onscreen : ALL THE RACES THAT HAD ONCE FEARED THE BORG WERE KILLED. THE ONE TRUE ENEMY OF LIFE HAD WIPED THE DELTA QUADRANT CLEAN.

TS : How'd he manage that? I can never get my quadrant REALLY clean.

Crow : Well, being a King, I'm sure Ghidorah gets a bulk discount on bleach and soap.

Mike : The way he bobs his heads, kind of looks like a monstrous Forrest Gump.

Crow : As opposed to what other kind of Forrest Gump?

Onscreen : THE FEMALE FOUNDER FELT A PROFOUND SENSE OF HORROR. SHE KNEW THAT SHE HAD TO GET BACK TO HER HOMEWORLD.

TS : She had left the iron on, and burnt a hole in herself.

Crow : She awakes during Armageddon--and with the worst breath of the day.

Mike : Do all senses of horror have to be profound? Can't some be sublime?

Onscreen : SHE SAW GHIDORAH'S HEADS SUNK INTO THE GREAT LINK. SHE WAS TOO LATE. THE ANCIENT DESTROYER HAD LITERALLY DRUNK HER PEOPLE.

TS: Now, he's in for it! Everyone knows The Great Link was a high-cholesterol dining option.

Mike : Does Ghidorah get a prize if he drinks every last drop of shapeshifter?

Crow : In desperation, The Founder tickled Ghidorah, and her people came snorting out of his nose as he laughed.

Onscreen : HEADS BOBBING WILDLY, GHIDORAH FLEW ONWARD TO MORE DEATH, FOR SUCH WAS HIS NATURE.

TS : Nothing could stop this flight, for the vacuum of space had been replaced with an Earth-like atmosphere, which meant the useless wings weren't useless anymore, merely decorative. Later, he had them embroidered with metal studs. This proved his undoing, though, as Kirk hid the penicillin. The Ancient Destroyer died as a result of an otherwise controllable infection. More's the pity.

Mike : Well, your heads would be bobbing wildly, too, if there were no female Ghidorahs to speak of.

Crow : Shake, Shake, Shake--Ghidorah-- Shake Your Heads In Time! Work – Work-Work --Ghidorah---Till The End Of Time. Ghidorah, he's a sensation--causes much aggravation--He dances Apocalypso..

Onscreen : BUT SOON HE WOULD FACE JAMES T. KIRK - AND THE ENTERPRISE.

TS : Spock-how--big--is--he?

Crow : Approximately Three YayBigs, Captain. He's hellabig. Plus, you know what they say about the size of a dragon's heads.

Mike : If Kirk lines the saucer section with string and razors, he could yo-yo Ghidorah to death.

( Theater closes up )

Mike : Oh, no! Pearl is trying to close my wormhole.

Pearl : Mike, Mike! We can't have anybody leaving before champagne and brownies. So this little ozone-depleting laser will just reseal---NO! Someone beamed dirty underwear into the wormhole. This is the worst kind of disaster--one that affects ME!

Crow : Ok, now I think we all agree that this is all Tom's fault for maintaining that underwear collection. Great going, TOM!

TS : I...I'm sorry, Crow. Now, you should run while I reload this shotgun.

Mike : Hey, something is coming through the wormhole..Pearl, do you see it?

Pearl : Yes, Mike, I do. It looks like......

( Reality Shift )

Doctor Clayton Forrester : It looks like a ship, Nelson. Take the Satellite Of War and investigate. Frank, anything?

TV's Frank : Yeah. If you mix Yogurt and granola cereal together, they taste yummy in my tummy!

DCF : Mike, find out about that ship while I strangle this latest Frank-clone.

Mike : Aye, Sir. Hey, Servo, where are you?

TS : Over here, Mike.

Mike : I can't see you. Any of you.

Crow : Oh, here's the problem, sir. We were all living in some alternate world until just now, and I kind of hit the light dimmer as we went through. There!

Gypsy : I have identified the approaching ship. It is The Satellite Of Love. Registry NCC-KTMA.

Mike : But the SOL-KTMA was lost--a while ago.

Gypsy : I think I know where it went, now.

TS : Where, Gypsy?

Gypsy : Out there in front of us.

TS : Uh, Gypsy? I......wait, something's wrong. Doctor Forrester? Where's your mother, the Lawgiver?

DCF : ( Holding Bloody pieces of Frank ) Lawgiver? Well, Tom--she can be quite the little tyrant at times—but she's no lawgiver. Mike, beam aboard and get that ship's Experiment Log. It'll tell us what happened to it, back in 88.

( Aboard SOL-KTMA )

Joel : Heyyyy---Crow, did you hit the dimmer switch again? I really wish you wouldn't do that every time we bump through eternity. I can never find anything.

Crow-2 : Heyyy—It's a legally protected fetish! Whoa--I sound like--I'm different.

TS-2 : I'm sure glad we went through that wormhole. I just can't believe that somebody left so much good underwear floating in hyperspace.

Joel : Ok guys, remember--don't tell these people anything about their past, alright?

TS-2 : Joel---It's the other way around.

Crow-2 : Yeah, they can't tell US anything about OUR past! Geez, don't you know anything?!!!! It's like.....well, I don't know what it's like, but you can bet it's like something.

( Aboard The Satellite Of War )

Cmdr. Mike : So, that's the Satellite Of Love, Model KTMA.

Crow1 : I say we blow it up.

Servo1 : I'm forced to agree, Mike. In its present state, it presents a dire threat to our existence.

Mike : But Tom, it's just kind of floating there, helplessly.

Servo1 : Ah, but look at the WAY in which it's floating there, helplessly. Highly provocative.

Mike : Crow, do you also perceive it as a threat?

Crow1 : Nah. I just like to see things blow up--it's that thing I do.

Servo1 : Yes, The Nanite War has hardened us all, my friend.

Crow1 : Oh, it's not The Nanite War. I'm just generally misanthropic by nature. So-- blows dat puppy UP! Haha!

Mike : Guys, we can't just blow things up.

Crow1 : Is it because the Butcher Of Nanitia Nine has suddenly developed a conscience?!

Servo1 : Or is it because the man who slips through time like a drunken ballerina on Voyager is suddenly afraid of altering the timeline?

Mike : Well, it's neither. It's that we don't have any weapons. The last budget cutbacks left us high and dry. I'm not even sure we could moon them.

Servo1 : Hmmm. Not...much of a Satellite Of War, then, is it?

Crow1 : Kind of makes us the British Bobby of warships, doesn't it?

Mike : I wish. We don't even have any nightsticks! Hey--we could approach them in a menacing pattern.

Servo1 : Great idea, Mike. How-do we do that, exactly?

Crow1 : Never mind how, Tom! Warp speed--now!!!

Servo : Crow, we're in a solar system.

Crow1 : Oh. Then--Rainbow Effect-NOW!

Mike : That'll larn em'! Today, History will remember the name----The Name---Name --No, Don't Tell Me.....

-------------------------------------------  
( Satellite Of Love, KTMA )

Crow2 : I say we blow em....Heyyyyy, Cheez-Its!

Servo2 : I agree, Joel. I mean, who knows what twisted, pathetic, evil minds lurk over there?

Joel : You guys are way too violent, lately. But they are using a menacing approach rainbow. I better use my 'Tommy Johnson' gun on them. It was gonna be my invention exchange--but these are kinda desperate times.

Servo2 : Is that like a Tommy Gun Automatic?

Crow2 : Oooh! Dibs!

Joel : No, no. My 'Tommy Johnson' gun fires a Bimbo-Girl from one of those 80's Teen-Beach-Sex films at the enemy.

Crow2 : Tommmm........

Servo2 : Yes, Crow. It has happened. We're firing girls at them---pay up!

Joel : The Bimbo Is---Away!!

---------------------------------------  
( SOW )

( We see a young woman wearing only a bikini bottom, covering her bare chest with one arm, pummeling Mike with the other. Mike is holding her bikini top, which was beamed into his hand )

Bimbo : Tommy Johnson!! You give me my top back, THIS INSTANT!!

Mike : Owwww!!!!

Servo1 : Why doesn't she just grab it back?

Crow1 : Nah. She can't. She has to chase him all over the beach, arm over ta-tas. It's the law!

Bimbo : I'm warning you, Tommy Johnson! This doesn't impress me one bit!

Mike : Owwww!!! Wait--the laws of teen beach sex movies can work to my advantage, too. Ok--I'll give you your top back---in exchange for your bikini bottom.

( Joel, observing on SOL )

Joel : No! He's using her utter lack of brains against her!

SOW )  
Bimbo : ( Calmer ) Wellll--Ok.

( Removes the bottom off-camera, tosses it to Mike )

Bimbo : Now, give me my top back.

Mike : Hey, no way. You want these back-- we have to do the deed.

Bimbo : But you promised! Oh, you jerk! You're just lucky I like you, Tommy Johnson!

Mike : This is The USA Network Late Night Friday Movie!

( Bimbo vanishes )

( Aboard SOL )

Joel : Our foe is wily and clever.

Crow2 : Seems more like dumb luck to me.

Servo2 : Emphasis on the dumb. Where'd the girl go? And why'd she give in to his demands so easily?

Joel : Y'see, Tom, in those movies, once you get a girl naked, she has to do it with you--even if you killed her family, or bathe in garlic, or were involved in the making of Ishtar.

Crow 2 : Shudder!! But that still doesn't explain her 'I am for D'iamato' Lee Merriweather fade-out.

Joel : Well, that just proves our foe's intelligence. Y'see, once he said that the movie I beamed her out of was being shown on USA Network, they automatically cut out the sex scene.

Servo2 : That poor buxom piece of easy white trash was censored out of existence. Oh, The Holography!

Gypsy2 : Guys? We're being boarded.

Joel : Oh, no, we're not! Once I hit this switch, it'll make them not want to board us anymore. Now---

( The four SOL'ers end up on the SOW )

Mike : Give it up! You're surrounded.

Servo2 : Uh, Joel? This helps exactly--HOW?

Joel : ( Smiles, and shakes his finger ) Ahhh, but you'll notice they no longer want to board us.

Mike : All right Mister--Talk!

Joel : Hey, you expect me to talk without first offering an omniscient alternate universe explanation? Yewww rank amateur.

Mike : Hey, I'm--sorry. But this whole Nanite War thing has really got me down.

Joel : You're at war with the Nanites? But they're such peaceable little fellas.

Mike : Well, they were--till Crow started chewing on the computer's motherboard.

Crow1 : Just because my mining activities killed the queen and a lot of her eggs, those little so-and-so's declare Holy War on My Butt-Ocks! I mean, the Nerve!

Crow2 : Don'cha just hate some people? A little genocide, and they're.....

( The Crows look at one another )

Crows : Saaaaayyyyyy!!!!!

Servo1 : Wow, this whole doppelganger thing makes me really wish I hadn't told my counterpart about his future.

Mike : Servo! How much did you tell him?

Servo2 : Oh, relax, Mike. He left off right after 'Danger : Diabolik'. Oh, hey--that's pretty much everything, isn't it?

Joel : Don't worry, Mike. We're conveniently from another dimension that just resembles your past.

Mike : Well, thank goodness for this ship's Deus Ex Machina drive, that's all I'm sayin'.

( The two Gypsies walk up )

Gypsy1 : After extensive work with my counterpart, we have reached the following stunning analysis of our current situation.

Joel : Yeah?

Mike : And?

Gypsy2 : Ahem--There are currently two of each of us, except for Mike and Joel. Phew! I'm bushed.

Gypsy1 : What an exhausting report!

( They waddle off, everyone just kind of rolls their eyes )

( ALARM SOUNDS )

SOW Crew : WE HAVE FANFIC SIGN!!

Joel : Fanfic? In the middle of a war?

Mike : It keeps us sharp.

Crow1 : It keeps us alert.

Servo1 : Not so you'd notice.

( All six amble into theatre )

Onscreen : ROMULAN CAPTAIN T'RED KNEW HIS PEOPLE WERE FOOLISH TO TRY AND CONTROL KING GHIDORAH.

Servo1 : The Romulans are such control freaks.

Servo2 : Yeah, nothing like the Remusians. In fact, all of Remus is pretty laid back, now that I think about it.

Mike : Don't the Romulans understand? If you love a three-headed Ancient Destroyer, you have to set him free.

Joel : They don't really love Ghidorah. They just want to use him as a weapon, and then later on they'll just have him hover overhead at Car Shows.

Onscreen : T'RED COULD SAY NOTHING, FOR FEAR OF THE TAL'SHIAR AGENT, T'JAN. HIS EARS WERE EVERYWHERE, SEARCHING FOR DISLOYALTY TO THE EMPIRE. FORTY-SIX SHIPS HAD BEEN LOST TO THE EFFORT AT TOWING GHIDORAH.

Servo2 : Ten! Twenty! Thirty! Forty! Fifty or more. That bloody Ghidorah--was rolling up the score!

Crow2 : And everybody knew you didn't give no lip to T'Jan---

Crow1 : Big T'Jan--

Crows : BIG BAD T'JAN!

Servo1 : Couldn't they have got Triple A to tow Ghidorah? Lots cheaper, and they are professionals.

Mike : Even easier. Just tell Ghidorah he won Super Bowl tickets—then bag him, when he arrives.

Joel : Or just give him some jalapenos, and tell him there's a pitcher of water on Romulus. Military types--Feh!

Onscreen : HAVING DESTROYED ROMULUS, GHIDORAH NOW HEADED FOR Q'ONOS. WOULD EVEN THE KLINGONS BE ABLE TO STOP THIS NIGHTMARE MADE FLESH? OR WOULD FOOLISH MEN LIKE CAPTAIN KRUGE DOOM THAT WORLD, TOO?

Crow1 : Methinks Ghidorah has--issues.

Crow2 : Destroying worlds--it's a classic sign of a loveless childhood, you ask me.

Servo1 : Would the Klingons defeat Ghidorah by using superior ILM F/X?

Servo2 : Or will they use their tractor beams to tear open the zipper on his rubber suit?

Mike : Well, if we can get Michael Dorn to intone enough that alone should scare Ghidorah off. ( Imitates MD ) 'Ghidorah--is without Honor'!

Joel : Or get those Klingons that looked Italian and serve him Fettuccine Alfredo. Heart Attack On A Plate, Ya Know!

Onscreen : ( CHEKOV ) "VE ABOARD RELIANT MUST MAKE EET BACK IN TIME TO VARN KEPTIN KIRK ABOUT THE IMPENDING DISASTER."

Crow1 : The Russians threw Chekov out because they couldn't understand a word he was saying through his thick American accent.

Crow2 : He was actually easier to understand when he had the worm in his ear. He should have let the little guy stay in. Kind of a cerebral pet.

Servo1 : Must--warn--Shatner--not-to- make Star Trek Five.

Servo2 : Hmmph! TJ Hooker wouldn't need Chekov to inform him.

Crows : Hooker's a good Cop!

Onscreen : LIKE A COMET, SPOCK SAW THE ENTERPRISE STREAK IN AND FIRE AT THE MONSTER'S THREE OPENED MOUTHS. KIRK'S MESSAGE WAS CLEAR---BACK OFF!!!

Mike : ( Stands up and points at screen) Yeah! Just back off, man! Get gone, or I'm cancelling the Anti-Christmas!

Joel : ( Does the same ) You heard the man. You don't know who you're messing with, here. If it weren't for your size, power and ferocity, your two-tailed ass'd be grass, and we'd be a big ol' lawnmower.

Crow1 : What? You shrieking at me? Did you just make wit the astral wail in my theater?

Crow2 : Ghidorah? You think I'm funny? Is that what you're tellin' me? That I am here to make you laaauughh--well, I am, but that's beside the point.

Servo1 : I think Mister Big-Bad wants a piece of us. Well, I got me a small German duchy where I'm gonna mount you, after you're stuffed. Tell me--have the heads stopped screaming yet?

Servo2 : ( Sees Ghidorah fleeing onscreen) That's right, wusso. You run. Run, so I can hunt you down like the end-of-time demon dog that you are!

All : Yeah, Yaeh! Get him! Wimp! Satellite rules! Satellite rules!

( Still slapping each other on the back as they exit theater )

Joel : You know, maybe we better have a plan just in case Ghidorah shows up here, in our little universe.

Mike : I know! We'll beam in the heroic Peter Kirk, fated slayer of Ghidorah!

Crow2 : Sure--After all, my heroes have always been characters rescued from obscurity.

Servo1 : Wait--wasn't Peter Kirk the hero in the new version, and just a supporting character in this one?

Joel : Yeah? Well, I aim to find out!

( Throws beaming switch. A man of nearly fifty shows up )

Man : Hi, I'm actor Craig Hundley. On the Original Star Trek, I played Tommy Starnes in 'And The Children Shall Lead', and Peter Kirk in 'Operation : Annihilate'. Did you know that third-tiers like me get 700$ for each autograph? Uncle Bill and Uncle Len only get 40$, cause theirs are more common.

( Joel beams him out )

Joel : Y'know, Mike--if Ghidorah shows up--

Mike : Just let him destroy the universe.

Servos : Yeah, that works for me...just let it all go.

Crows : Beats the hell...yeah, out of the alternative.

( Down In Castle Forrester )

TV's Frank : ( Sees older Pearl Forrester )

Well, gee, Mrs. F. What problem could possibly upset someone as vile and mean as yourself?

Pearl : Oh, Frank. Your fearful flattery can't help me, today. History has been altered. I'M SUPPOSED TO BE IN CHARGE!! There are supposed to be--monkeys, and brain guys--and oh, I'm not making any sense.

Frank : ( Snaps his fingers ) Oh, yeah! I was supposed to tell you about that ape and that brain guy we recovered from a collapsing alternate reality. Billy Brainless, that's me.

Pearl : (Caresses his cheek.) Frank--could I--could I--Kill You?

Frank : I was wondering when The Dickens you were gonna ask! Geez, how many hints does a young fella have to give?

Pearl : You WERE dropping hints? Oh, me. Die, Frank.

( Later, when Frank has been resuscitated )

Clayton Forrester : Now that we are all assembled, let me put it bluntly. We are losing this war. The Nanites will win within six hours.

Bobo : Oh, that gives us plenty of time. Let's all take a brief nap, and we'll wake up with a whole new attitude.

ClaytonF : Bobo, I'm putting you down to be---shot--tomorrow morning.

Bobo : No can do, Doc. I'm not what you'd call a morning person. Could you maybe shoot me in bed?

CF : Done.

Observer : Doctor, I could conjure up a superweapon with my amazing power, far greater than you can comprehend.

CF : Well, thanks, Brain Guy, is it?

Observer : It isn't.

CF : Thanks, Brain Guy, but I see your general incompetence and ineffectual nature as a mitigating factor in my efforts to actually, you know, win this war?

Observer : Believe it or not, I can accept those terms--mainly because your mother has a gun aimed at me underneath the table.

Frank : Boy, remember Josh, who was your assistant before me? He sure makes a great stew--and I saved his bones for soup!

CF : Bobo, I'm crossing you off for tomorrow morning's shooting. Frank here needs it more.

Bobo : Thanks a whole hell of a lot, FRANK!

Frank : Oh, Bobo. Don't be petty. After I'm shot, I'll come by and stab you.

Bobo : And after the mean things I've said---BROTHER!!!

( A sickening embrace follows )

Pearl : My little boy is back in charge! Oh, I have to kill him--otherwise, what kind of crummy mother am I?

CF : Not only will the superweapon I have win the war--but obliterate those fools on the satellites!!!! C'mon everyone--Group Cackle!!

All : HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

( Bobo cries )

---------------------------------------------  
( SCI-FI CHANNEL ADVERT )

Announcer : On The Next Sliders : We get rid of Remy and Maggie, thus finally eliminating everybody you might have ever given a damn about.

On The Next Highlander -- The Classic Episodes, 'Comes A Horseman' and 'Revelations 6:8' will be preempted so that we may show the Andy Kaufman/ Bernadette Peters robots-in-love classic, 'Heartbeeps'.

On 'First Wave', new aliens invade, forcing an alliance between the hero and the old invading aliens. The old aliens are subsequently humanized and made sympathetic and cuddly.

On 'Poltergeist : The Legacy' , a new episode---if you don't have Showtime.

Also, tune in for the Hack-Off between SFC and FX, as we see just how much footage can be cut out of 'MASH' and 'Star Trek' before a fan revolt occurs.

Now, back to Mystery Science Theater 3000, which you ungrateful bastard viewers should thank us for saving before we summarily canceled it again.

------------------------------------  
( Aboard The SOW )

Servo1 : Guys, the Mads are calling us.

Joel : Yes, Oh Evil That Lies Within?

CF : Ah, good. All the wastrels are in one place. We, here at Greater Castle Forrester, have come up with a way to end this fun but draining War with the Nanites.

PF : It was the subject of much debate--well, not much debate...Brain Guy suggested Cannolis, and there we were!

Mike : So give. How do we end this war once and for all?

Crow2 : Yeah. I mean, the actual Nanite War only lasted three years.

Crow1 : Um, me? That was MASH.

Crow2 : Nuh-uh! No hway! MASH lasted eleven seasons! Guess I'm just a leeetle superior to my Bonaparte.

Crow1 : Your--counterpart.

Crow2 : I can see that they just breed ignoranceity here!

Crow1 : ( Leaps at him ) BREED This, Dickweed!

( They struggle mightily--not so's you'd notice )

Mike : Stop it, you two!

Servo2 : Guys, this is futile.

Crow1 : You mean because we are, in essence, the same being?

Crow2 : Because all war is ultimately futile and self-destructive?

Servo1 : Um, no. I think he meant your common lack of useful limbs for fighting.

Servo2 : But if you guys want to go with those grandiose, end-of-episode explanations---hey, who are we to argue?

Crow2 : They're No One!

Crow1 : Let's get em'!

( A free for all breaks out between the bots )

Joel : We have it once again--war between the robots.

Mike : Yeah, but it's good for cleaning out the bad blood--every seven to ten years.

PF : AHEEMMMM!!! OUR plan?!

CF : Simmer down, Mother. Now, Mike, Joel....aaaaagghh!!! ( Pearl tries to garrote him )

PF : Hush, little baby, don't say a word...uhhhh?

( Frank holds a gun up to Pearl's eye )

Frank : Joey Bagodonutso says Hi. Now this can go one of two....saaayyyy!!

( Observer Holds Up A TV Guide )

Observer : Look, Frank. It's The Fall Preview Edition--your returning favorites!!  
Now let dear Pearl....Not My Brain!!

( Josh Weinstein, Forrester's first assistant, returns! )

JW : We're about to go 'Jan-In-The-Pan' one better. Now-put-down-the-guide!

Frank : Josh? I thought I used you for stew stock!

JW : Technically, Frank, you did. But we needed everybody here, for this little shindig.

CF : What about Togo?

JW : He's off doing a slash-thing with that guy from 'Incredibly Strange Creatures That Stopped Living And Became Mixed-Up Zombies'. Folks---it gets ugly.

Observer : Gets?

Frank : Yeah. It involves serrated knives and a rock tumbler---NOT for the faint of heart.

PF : Well, I can end this Mexican standoff. Bobo--take Weinstein out! Bobo? Bobo!!!

( We see Bobo playing on The Internet )

Bobo : We download the patch--anddddd-- Lara Croft, you are bouncing around like nobody's business--cept everyone can see your business! Swat em' with those big bouncies, Lady Croft! Mmm-Nummy!! ( All the combatants now stand behind Bobo, punching their hands )

Mike : AHEMMM!!! Your plan?

( In the background, Bobo is being severely injured while Clayton talks )

CF : Here it is--in a nutshell, fellas. We have rerouted all the Nanites to The Satellite Of War, and plan to have our mercenary blow them and you up.

( Holds Up A Clipboard )

Are you for or against?

Mike : ahhh--I'm gonna have to go with against, here, Doc.

Joel : Now, Mike. We gotta try and keep an open mind. ( Stops and thinks, shakes his head ) No we don't! Hey, Doctor Forrester, now just where do you get off blowing us up?

CF : Oh, well. It could be because I fancy myself the second most evil being in the entire universe!!!

Mike : All righty, then? Just who's first?

PF : Watch the wormhole--then die screaming.

Observer : Your fate shall be adjudged by one so powerful.......that....he's really, really powerful! We're talking power here.

JW : I pity the fool that doesn't pity you fools.

Mike : Good thing he only went the one season, with material like that.

Servo2 : I dunno, Mike. He sounds familiar to me--somehow...

( Wormhole opens )

All SOLer's : ( Gasping ) HAAAHHGGHH!!!

Mike : It's The One True Enemy Of Life! That's as opposed to those imposter demons, like Skeletor and Mumm-Ra.

Joel : The Prophecy Has Been Fulfilled! But you know then, prophecies, they tend to do that a lot.

Servo1 : He's about 667 miles in total diameter!

Servo2 : 667, Gracie?

Servo1 : He had an off day.

Crow1 : Gasping exposition!

Crow2 : Statement of resolve!

Gypsy1 : We have ascertained the identity of our attacker.

Gypsy2 : Judging by the three heads, two tails, and lightning-rays, we feel he is...

Mike : Gypsies, we already know its King Ghidorah.

Gypsy1 : ( Turns to Gyspy2 ) THAT'S why he's the Captain!

Joel : This is it, Mike.

Mike : Joel, nothing can keep us from this--the final battle.

Joel : I want you bots to combine with the SOL and SOW to form the Ultra-Mega SatellBot!

Mike : I'll take the controls.

Crow1 : Noper.

Crow2 : No-Can-Do, Guys!

Servo1 : Our combo-form...has a slight defect.

Servo2 : Due to faulty tesseract technology that Joel here used in creating us, the Sattelbot is actually smaller than all of us combined. Fact is, we ourselves can't get into it.

Mike : Then we fight.

Joel : Just not for very long.

( ALARM SOUNDS )

All : WE HAVE FANFIC SIGN!!

( Ignoring the imminent doom, they go into the theater )

Onscreen : THE WHALE PROBE AND V'GER HAD GHIDORAH CORNERED. FOR THE ANCIENT DESTROYER, THERE WAS NO ESCAPE.

Crow1 : Ghidorah should just turn in his heads. They make everyone nervous.

Servo1 : Limp-wristed pinko pantywaist! You'll get his heads when you pry them off his cold dead necks.

Crow2 : Saaayy, I'd pay to see that.

Servo2 : And You Will Pay. One Day You'll All Pay...Bwwoowohooohoo ! 

Mike : Does The Whale Probe know about the plight of poor neglected Charlie Tuna?

Joel : Does V'ger have a tiny little version of Chakotay inside of him? And is he equally ineffectual?

Mike : Gee, I don't know if that's even possible.

Onscreen : THE FORCES OF THE EMPIRE, LED BY THE EVIL JAMES T. KIRK, POURED THROUGH THE DIMENSIONAL BARRIER.

Servo2 : Ok--this is already an alternate universe. So is the Mirror World a common AU to both, and just how many times will Lazarus fall off the cliff?

Servo1 : Doncha just hate evil empires that invade during Armageddon? No sense of decorum. Shows poor upbringing.

Mike : Now, if this guy killed his TOS crew, then who'd he sleep with? I mean, even an evil Kirk has to be picky.

Joel : Well, I did hear tell he likes to put on Uhura's mini-skirt while playing his Doors tapes. But don't let on it was me that told you.

Crow1 : Geez, by now evil Chekov must be a toaster pastry in that agony booth.

Crow2 : He wanted to move up in rank--but his bunkmate said he was quite rank enough.

Onscreen : PETER PLEADED WITH HIS UNCLE TO NO AVAIL. "UNCLE JIM, MY EVIDENCE LEADS CLEARLY TO PROVING THE EXISTENCE OF GHIDORAH." "PETER, YOU HAVE TO LET GO OF WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR PARENTS ON DENEVA. THIS OBSESSION IS CAUSING ME TO QUESTION YOUR SANITY. SOME FAIRY-TALE DRAGON IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR CURRENT SITUATION."

Crow1 : Riiiiiiiggghhtttt!!! Those silly planets just destroyed themselves.

Crow2 : Pshaw, and Pnash! Peter, just for that, you have to take your cousin David's place when Jim Ignatauski kills him.

Joel : You know, if I hadn't seen my nephew in like twenty years, I might say Hi or hug him or give him a model train. I think, though, if you question his sanity, he's not gonna take it too well. Kids are like that.

Mike : Well, we know Peter has a lot of evidence to back his theory. After all, that wacko workaholic spent a whole two big paragraphs gathering it. Now, that's what I call gumption.

Servo1 : Is there anything sadder than a nephew and uncle just not getting along?

Servo2 : Our lives spring to mind.

Servo1 : Well, DUH!!!

( Fanfic ends, incomplete. They leave theater )

Mike : Oh, boy--Ghidorah's gonna strike. We are Oreo filling!

Joel : Death isn't so bad--mainly you're dead after it happens, then you kinda don't notice.

Servo1 : I'm gonna try to make final peace with the Nanites. Hey, Ned?

Ned The Nanite : Yeah?

Servo1 : Sorry about the war, and Crow killing your queen. It all seems so irrelevant, now.

Ned : And...You Are???????

Mike : We're the guys you've been fighting an unending war with--Remember?

Ned : But that war ended months ago, when Crow bought us a new queen at the Nanite Farm. What, he didn't tell you?

Crow1 : Hey--Am I supposed to keep every message that comes through here? I have a life, too, you know.

Crow2 : What is my counterpart, Mike? Your Mule? Huh? Is that how it is?

Servo2 : Ned? Can You Guys Get Rid Of King Ghidorah---without destroying all planets?

Ned : Ghidorah? No sweat. We'll just.....

( They vanish off-screen )

Mike : Hey, what happened to them?

Gypsy1 : I and my counterpart have great news.

Gypsy2 : We have permanently rid the ship of the Nanite infestation!

( We see the two Gypsies being shoved out the airlock )

Joel : Higher ships' functions or no, they had that one coming.

Mike : Wait--I'm receiving a message from Ghidorah! He says he'll let us live if we listen to his three heads sing A capella on 'In The Still Of The Night'.

Joel : Hey, I'm good with that.

Servo1 : Mike, reply in the affirmative.

Servo2 : Saved, and safe at home!  
( We see the Crows talking to Ghidorah )

Crow1 : We don't want to listen to your Crapapella singing, Dickweed!

Crow2 : That's right, Bunion-Breath! Take your girly-mon heads and go chase your tails!

( They see the others begin to sob )

Crow1 : Oh--yeah. He was gonna let us live.

Crow2 : Boy--isn't that just so us?

( Outside, Ghidorah pushes the Satellite with his tails, beginning its descent )

Mike : Is there no one who can save us?

Servo1 : Nope. We're doornail city.

Servo2 : Gone-Going-Gon--ers!!

Crow1 : Pools of metal and protoplasm.

Crow2 : Certain doom, served on a shingle.

Joel : You're all wrong---there is one who can save us.

Mike : But Joel--we've all said some god-awful things about him. Will he still help us?

Joel : ( Shakes his finger ) He's a hero, Mister. That means he'll always help us.

Servo2 : I've sent out the signal. Now all we can do is hope--and punish the Crows horribly for their--well, for extreme acts of Crow-ness.

Crows : But It was my counterpart that did it! TRAITOR!!

( In Castle Forrester )

CF : Frank, do you have the descent parameters?

( Frank is with Bobo by the Computer )

Frank : Wow, she's really naked!

PF : I have them, dear. Oh, it's so much fun to watch them die--ooh, and later, Phil and Maury are on Oprah!

Observer : My advanced world is avenged, at long last! Pity I never liked anybody who lived there. But I can take unjust vengeance on their behalf!

JW : I was here for the beginning....and I'm here for the snackies, now. Ooh--pigs in a blanket!

Bobo : No, no Frank--they just stuck Dolly Parton's head there.

CF : Wait--something is approaching their position-I can't make it out!

PF : It's--a burning disk--with arms and a head. Oh, he's stopped them.

Brain-Guy, destroy them all for me.

Observer : So you can turn this into Aliens Vs. Predator. Hmmm—the first person perspective is a bit disconcerting.

PF : ( Hammer In Hand ) Clayton, I'll be right back.

CF : Don't smash my computer, Mother!

PF : Oh, I'm not going to touch the computer.

( We hear yells--lots of them )

( Aboard the SOL )

Mike : ( Bouncy Theme ) Cambot!!

Joel : Cam-Bot!!

Servo1 : Now, our movies and fics....

Servo2 : You will see us watch no more..

Crow1 : Though we treated him like Number Two..

Crow2 : The Turtle is one swell guy, and he sure came through... Mike : Now, we go to the ground...

Joel : To give the Mads a taste of their stuff!

Crow1 : Now we have all been saved!

Crow2 : Now we throw a major rave...

Servo1 : He helped us survive that close shave...

Servo2 : Now we give a Baseball-Wave

Mike : For we have our hero true

Joel : Flying through The Sky Of Blue!

All Together : WE'VE BEEN SAVED BY GAMERA!!!!!!!!

( The Mads and Henchmen see the great turtle safely return them all to  
Earth )

CF : Hmmm....I think they'll want to hurt us!

PF : Oh, they're not petty...wait, yes they are. I think they take after me.

Frank : Guys---I think we are so dead. And I don't mean put on a new head dead, neither!

JW : I was only on for one season! I get left out of this--right?

( A burning arrow flies in with a message 'Oh , You're Like SOOO In' )

Bobo : I'll stay here and fight them off--for you, my Lawgiver.

PF : Gee, thanks, Bobo. But if you died for me, there's the eensiest chance I'd owe you one, and I just don't even want to go there. Observer : I have enough power for one last transport--I'll aim us for the wormhole.

CF+PF : No--Brainguy---

( The Mads all appear aboard the SOL-KTMA, still in orbit )

CF : Well, Mother--It seems you forgot to tell your henchman about how Ghidorah sealed the wormhole, once he left.

PF : Oh, great, Clayton. Blame me just because I'm responsible for his existence. How badly did I raise you, anyway?

( On the SOL screen appears the former SOL'ers )

Joel : Hi, Forresters Gump!

Mike : In The Not Too Distant Future, Revenge Is Mighty Sweet....

Servo1 : We dug through some piles of stuff here--peeeeww!!!

Servo2 : We found one so evil, even you had vowed to never use it—too obvious, I believe your notes said.

CF : Noooo....not.....

Crow1 : The Golden Turkey Award Winner Of All Time!

PF : Oh, Please.....We'll be good. Just let us go, and we'll find a way to trap you all back up here...damned Truth Serum Martini!

Crow2 : From The Mind Of Director Ed Wood...and I don't mean Johnny Depp! 

Mike : So, Joel, without further ado.. Joel : I beam you now a movie that was filmed while one of its stars was dead!

All former SOL'ers : PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE!!!!!!

( ALARM SOUNDS, SIGNALLING THE DEATH-KNELL OF MST3K )

All Former Mads : ( Very sadly ) WE HAVE MOVIE SIGN!!!!!

( Fade To Black; End Theme )

( Stinger ) ( Former SOLers ) :

ABYSINNIA!!!!

AND REMEMBER--IT'S ALL BASED ON SWORN TESTIMONY!!!  
---------------------------------------

This is dedicated to ten years of goofy fun on Mystery Science Theater 3000. We should all learn to really just relax. So don't ask to see any Mads return with blond hair and pointed ears.  
-- Rob


	24. Turnabout The World On

**Turnabout the World On**

By Rob Morris

Standing in front of the brig, Doctor Janice Lester was determined to have the last laugh. She felt the connection severing--and so bought victory the only way she knew how.

"You Lose, Captain!"

Turning the phaser on herself, Doctor Lester died. Despite himself, Jim Kirk let out a gasp--as he watched the body he was born in vanish forever.

"Noooo...."

With Spock confirming Kirk's identity, the prisoners were released and the senior crew briefed on the change in their Captain's situation. Some things, though, hadn't changed.

Kirk walked up to his Chief Of Security.

"Mister Martin, you are relieved of duty."

"But, Captain...."

"That...person who took over my... original body was issuing orders that were neither lawful nor rational. Your people locked up half my senior staff, and permitted her to strike me--more than once. On your next posting, check and see if The Captain is in their right mind."

Martin shook his head.

"Lady, I take my orders from Captain James T. Kirk. Do you see him here?"

Jim or Janice, The Captain still knew how to throw a punch--and did.

"Mister Martin, I rather doubt you can see anything--right about now."

Jim stared at his new fist.

"Poor Janice. She had power. She just didn't know how to use it."

In Sickbay, McCoy gave Jim the worst of it.

"A sex change is out. The technology that transferred you into this body is skittish, as you saw earlier. Hormonal manipulation or DNA resequencing could erase your personality. Breeding a clone would also be useless, even if it were legal. We just couldn't be even remotely certain a transfer wouldn't kill you."

Bones' eyes said the unnecessary, 'I'm sorry, Jim.' But Kirk got up.

"Doctor, I'm a woman now. That doesn't concern me. What does concern me is that I'm still James Kirk--am I also still The Captain?"

McCoy turned to Spock, who nodded.

"Unlike Doctor Lester's delusion that her gender prevented her ascension to Command, Starfleet has no concerns about your change of body--in and of itself. Their only concern is that of personality detachment, as you become accustomed to what is, after all, a new world. They have suggested that you take a year off, both to make certain that the process has no extreme side effects, and to recalibrate your skills to their new parameters. Since this situation has no precedent---I must concur with their suggestion."

Kirk nodded.

"Thank You, Spock. In a way, this is the same as if I'd been captured and then brain-implanted by an enemy. Maybe they removed all the alien-tech--or maybe it's just hiding. If there's anything left of Janice Lester in me--it's not getting near a Starship's center seat."

Alone in his quarters, and sulking a bit more than he would have liked, Jim received a visitor.

"Hello, Nyota. Wanna dye each other's hair?"

Uhura shook her head.

"It's making you miserable, isn't it?"

"This? It's confusing, to be sure. But what's odd is--I keep thinking about Ben Finney and Gary Mitchell. I can't say why."

"I Can. Jim, you're inhabiting the body owned by a once-dear friend who turned against you for no reason a rational person would understand. You look in the mirror, and there see a face that hated you. You may be stuck with that body- but you are not stuck with those features."

Jim shook her head.

"Cosmetic surgery? You think so?"

Nyota nodded.

"It is your new body--and I am your new roommate."

"Huh? Nyota, this is a career interruption. I can't let anyone else take the hit. Especially when I don't even know where my feelings lie--vis-a-vis us."

"Who cares? You were my friend long before you were anything else. Whatever happens, happens. Jim--you need someone with you--if for nothing else, than to show you the ropes of living as a member of the superi--er, fairer sex."

Jim smiled, and so they left together, after a memorable farewell party. Spock assumed Command, awaiting the day Jim Kirk would return to his first best destiny.

On Earth, the two roommates found life together--interesting. Nyota slammed the door to their apartment. Jim apologized.

"Nyotaaa--I told them I wasn't interested."

Feeling on more equal terms with her friend now, Uhura had developed a sarcastic streak--deep and biting.

"Jim--why is it, every time we go out, the men we run into are more interested in your 'not interested' - than my 'Hey---I'm interested'?"

Jim had done as Nyota suggested, and Janice Lester's face was gone. Jim's face and outward form was now that of a 20th-Century ancestor who had resided in Minneapolis, Minnesota, and who was active in the mass media of that era. It had gotten attention. Jim was now just as archetypically desirable a woman as she had been a man.

"Look, Nyota---all they did was say hello. Then they just each asked an honest, simple question."

Uhura had previously been used to being the most attractive woman in her circle of friends. That Jim was now outclassing her, even by a hair's breadth--was not good for her ego.

"A simple question? A Simple Question? Jim--they all proposed marriage!"

Jim's head had developed a slight nervous twitch, and her voice a slight stammer when nervous.

"I--said--ya know, No."

Nyota threw up her arms.

"Then, after that--they hung around to hear you turn them down again. I thought I'd be living with my Captain--instead, I moved in with Starfleet's most capable command-level Cheerleader!"

"Hey, you watch it, Lady, I'm still Captain James T----a Cheerleader, really?"

"I Give Up. Jim, I'm sorry. I'm glad we're friends--but you seem to have adjusted better than me to being a woman--and I was born one!"

"I'm a survivor, Nyota--just like my best friend? Y'know, my nephew still asks how you're doing."

"How is Peter?"

She nodded.

"Confused. Really Confused. He keeps saying he has something important to say about the fate of the universe--then he just ends up staring over across the table at me."

"Heh. Can't blame the kid, with a face like yours."

Jim's mouth half-frowned.

"Nyotaaa--he kind of wasn't staring at my face."

Uhura cringed a bit.

"Oh. Ah, so he's a perv. Otherwise, he's a good kid."

A voice was heard from outside.

"Yooohoooo!!!"

Uhura rolled her eyes.

"Come on in, Carol."

Carol Marcus, cheerful beyond saccharine, entered.

"I'd just thought I'd slum, and visit the great unmarried!"

Jim shook her head.

"Carol--you're not married, either."

"Yes--but I do have a little son, Jim."

"Carol--he's my son, too."

"Stop that, Jim. I am not going to have him traipsing around the galaxy with his mother--anymore than I can believe you went out in THAT dress!"

"Carol--what's wrong with my dress?"

"Jim, Dear Jim--it does tend to remind us that you were born a man."

"Hey--I helped Jim pick that out."

"Yes, Nyota--and the effort is appreciated-- if somewhat hard to notice."

Young David Marcus joined them.

"Hi, Aunt Nyota. Hi, Mom. Hi, Mom. Mom--could I talk to Mom alone?"

Carol departed.

"David--so--slugger--what I can do for you?"

"Mom--please don't pick me up at school anymore--half the kids want your autograph, and the other half want your phone number."

Uhura laughed at Kirk's discomfort.

"Don't worry, kid. We won't pick you up anymore."

"Oh, it's all right if you pick me up, Aunt Nyota."

Uhura fretfully nodded.

"Thanks a lot, David."

"Oh, I forgot. Mom--is Cousin Peter okay? Word around school is, he's gone into therapy."

Jim guided David out, nervously

"I'm--sure--Peter's okay, David. I think-- he's just confused. Nyota--I'm meeting with Bones, while he's on leave. Wanna come?"

"No, Jim. I'm just gonna enjoy the peace and quiet."

Ten Minutes into her quiet, Nyota heard a knock on the door.

"Ma?!"

Ida Uhura looked around.

"So this is your apartment. Well, I'm almost certain that you try to keep it tidy. Comm Officer aboard a starship--and she never sends a message. Upenda Nyota--you look thin. Have you been eating enough? Was that a child I saw with Jim? Did it give you any ideas?"

* * *

USS ENTERPRISE

The new Communications Officer read off the urgent relay to Captain Spock.

"Barely clinging on to life, Captain O'Ryan's forces have attacked and destroyed beloved children's author, Uncle Remus. More as this develops."

Spock, understandably, chose to re-read the message himself.

"Mister Baxter---the text reads--and I quote : Klingon and Orion forces have destroyed the Autorian Ore base on the Romulan world, Remus.' Your message--had nothing to do with that."

Ted Baxter shrugged.

"Now, c'mon, Captain, admit it. Wasn't my version a lot more interesting? I figure that, with a little effort--I can liven up those dull messages. Make this a more--pleasant cruise for all involved."

Sulu shot one off.

"You want to make this a more pleasant cruise, Ted? Check and see if the light stays on when you open the shuttlebay doors."

"Hokay, smart-guy, I will--but only because I've been curious about that, myself."

As Ted departed, he ran into the returning Doctor McCoy.

"Hey, Doc--I've got some 'Bones' to pick with you. Get it--'Bones'?"

"Shut Up, Ted."

"Gotcha, Len."

Chekov spoke up after Baxter was gone.

"Sir--vhat eef he opens the shuttlebay doors?"

Spock nodded.

"Then I shall see fit to close them after he leaves, Ensign. Doctor--how is the Captain?"

"Well, Spock--I'd say she's ready for duty again. Jim's adapted rather well, and has even shown strengths and qualities he lacked before."

"Then why do you seem pensive, Doctor?"

"Spock--among those new qualities Jim has is a little thing we Terrans like to call spunk."

"Then what, may I ask, is your concern?"

McCoy shook his head.

"Jim's got spunk. I hate spunk."

* * *

Who can turn The Bridge On With Her Smile?; Who Can Take A Routine Mission; And Suddenly Have It Turn Upside Down? Well, It's You, Jim—And You Should Know It; With Each World And Every Little Contact You Show It;

Space Is Your Frontier; Feel Free To Shape It; You Have Five Years More; Why Don't You Take It; Boldly Go Where None Have Gone Before; We're Gonna Make It Through The Stars!


	25. The Ultimate Man

**The Ultimate Man**  
By Rob Morris

Even James T. Kirk, the man most threatened By Doctor Daystrom's new development, couldn't help but be impressed By the man's considerable presence. He conveyed manic energy and genius all at once. And if there was just a hint of madness behind those brilliant eyes? Well, in times past that madness had created the duotronic computer that ran the Enterprise.

"Doctor, despite everything, I can't wait to see what M5 can really do. When will you install it?"

"Oh, Kirk. M5 is no mere computer. No, the duotronic processor is more than sufficient to run the ship---if the right man is there to run it."

"I thank you for your vote of confidence, Doctor."

"Heh. Captain, don't flatter yourself. No disrespect, but I hardly meant you! M5, you see, was far too complex to put in a series of chips and such. But imagine, if you will, two crewmembers who do the work of 1000. Meet---the Ultimate Men!"

Two humanoids then emerged onto the Bridge. Except for their pale skin and yellow eyes, they looked remarkably like Daystrom himself. Spock arched an eyebrow.

"Congratulations are in order, Doctor Daystrom. Captain, these two individuals possess Asimov's theorized positronic brain. They are sentient androids."

Daystrom clapped.

"EXCELLENT deduction, Mister Spock. Gentlemen, meet Lore, and--- Data."

The cocky, self-assured one called Lore spoke first.

"Hey, people! I look forward to replacing each and every one of you."

The one called Data was Spock-like in his restraint.

"We shall endeavor to work well with your crew, and hope that we are an asset that you will be able to use well."

Lore chuckled.

"Sorry, folks. Dad had only one personality chip available, if you know what I mean."

McCoy stepped in, and stepped in it, as well.

"That so, Lore? Well, don't feel bad. You'll get one, next upgrade."

A look passed between the two. Lore did not like being made light of. As the trip continued, Doctor McCoy felt like he was on a list. As time went By, the entire remaining crew questioned the wisdom of using these 'Ultimate Men'. There would be yet more questions.


	26. Recalibration

**Recalibration**  
by Rob Morris

(Based on The M*A*S*H* episode, Period Of Adjustment, just after Radar's departure)

Seven Of Nine kept observing the eyes of Be'lanna Torres upon her. She knew Torres did not trust her, but wondered at the rest of Engineering, also observing her. Once, this would not have concerned her. Now, it was an impediment to efficiency, and this was not allowable.

"Lieutenant Mulcahy, why do you keep looking over to my station? I find most human behavior odd, but this particularly so. Again, I ask your reason. A lack of trust, since I was once part of the Collective?"

"Well, there is that, Seven. But the truth is, I keep looking for Kes."

"That is highly illogical. Kes suffered physical discorporation and either is no more or accessed a higher dimensional plane. In any event, she is not here."

"So I've noticed. Kes would always stop by engineering and chat with us. It always made us feel better."

"I see. Lieutenant, I am not here to make you feel better."

"Again, Seven, a fact of which we are all quite aware. I'm just saying, we all liked Kes."

A sentiment that Seven Of Nine had heard echoed in every corner of the ship. For her life, she could not figure out why this random chatter disconcerted her.

* * *

The Doctor looked askance at a PADD signed by his new nursing assistant, Tom Paris. He was livid.

"Is this or is this not your crayon? Mister Paris, when it comes to Strain 35, one should try to remember that Corilli is the suppressant, and PriCorrilli the overly strong curative. Translation: Your misprogramming almost compromised the immune systems of 25% of this crew!"

Janeway walked into Sickbay, the look on her face telling Tom she was there for the same reason the Doctor was raking him over the coals for.

"Aah, Captain. I am simply so glad that you came. Mister Paris's appointment as my nursing assistant was a masterstroke, showing me thoroughly and truly once again what a little gem Kes was!"

"Tom, this screw-up is almost beyond comprehension. What do you have to say for yourself?"

Tom drew in whatever he was feeling, and spoke almost in a monotone.

"I will endeavor to do better. When my bridge-shift ends, I will rest, then return here for more study. Captain, may I go?"

It was absolutely unnerving to hear Tom speak that way, especially now. Usually, the decks shook with his verbal self-defense.

"Dismissed, Lieutenant."

The Doctor actually clapped as he left, but Paris did not react.

"Well, since he hasn't been taking well to Nursing, it would seem our Mister Paris has taken up the art of Tuvok imitation."

Janeway nodded.

"And he's not the only one."

* * *

"Seven, have you finished the analyses yet?"

"Yes, Lieutenant Torres. Are you unwell?"

"I am quite fine right now. Here is the next batch."

Torres relations with Seven had sometimes been marked by histrionics. Seven now learned that even an ex-Borg can be thrown off by too much calm. But all of engineering was thrown off by it, as well.

"So anyway, Be'lanna, what do you think of how Kes just whooshed us forward like that? The Borg and The Kazon, both history for us. All the hours we-no you- spent banging on this warp core till it moved with every last erg we can muster, and one afterthought burst of power takes 10 years off of our journey. God, I remember that holodeck program you made, with Captain Scott as a Maquis, turning his brilliant mind loose like that, and all those tricks did was net us a few more percentage points in battle power."

Be'lanna no longer heard her engineering staff, so all their talk of Kes's "push" to Voyager blended into a montage. The half-Klingon was still just performing her duties. After a week, a hyper-calm Tom Paris and Be'lanna Torres was too much for Voyager to take. After a series of tests that verified their ID, they were called into Janeway's Ready Room.

* * *

'When two of the most chatty, engaging members of my crew withdraw and become stick-figure caricatures of themselves, I think I have a right to know why. So let's hear your explanations, and they better be good. This is causing a disruption to the crew. They're starting to say the things they usually leave to you two. Mister Paris?"

"Permission to speak freely, Captain?"

"Don't push me, Tom."

"Captain, with all due respect, I am not trying to push anyone or anything. First off, the 'temporary' order that gave me Kes's duties has never been amended. Second, I am unsurprisingly not the best student around. But here's a possible surprise-the Doctor is not the best teacher. He assumes that everyone has his encyclopedic knowledge of medicine, and he is fond of reminding me that I am not Kes. Again, not a big surprise. But being berated constantly does nothing for me or my efficiency. Be'lanna?"

"I liked Kes. Her final gift to us is a real gift of love. I appreciate that. But my staff and all the ship chattering on about how this one thing gave us more than my engines-and I- ever could does nothing for me or my efficiency. Tom?"

"In olden times, we might have gotten drunk and started brawling, but I decided to forego that route just this once. Lo, and Behold, It worked. We gained more by our silence than by our grousing. Captain, we both need a break from this post-Kes period. Badly."

"Tom and I figured that we'd get more attention with ice than heat. We may have disrupted this crew, Captain, but they disrupted us first. And no, this is not about Seven Of Nine. She's here, and I quite grudgingly accept that. I just wish everyone else would. I mean, she's on a higher plane, right? Free of our concerns? Well, we are not so free, here in our little corner of the Galaxy. It almost makes me resent a very dear friend."

Janeway stared at the request files on her private monitor. She put her hand underneath her chin, and leaned on it.

"Here they are--requests for reassignment, and for Command reinforcement of Chief Engineer's policy. You filed properly, but your Captain didn't listen. That's becoming a habit, I'm sad to say. Meet me, the both of you, in the Mess, in ten minutes."

* * *

At the Captain's order, most of the crew was there, and waiting for her as she began to speak.

"We suffered a loss, recently. You all know that. But what some of you don't realize is that life goes on. Doctor, you may not realize it, but you were very lucky to have Kes as a student."

"Extremely lucky, Captain. Comparing Mister Paris to her..."

"Is something you will never do again, Doctor. You are a difficult teacher, and your methods are strident. You had a near angel for a student, and now you don't. Suggestion : Get Over It. The broken-in model is gone. Time to start over."

"Well, of course, I...have to get back to Sickbay."

"As to the rest of you, I'd like you to meet Seven Of Nine. Oh, I know you think you know her, but to many, she is just the Borg I foolishly brought on board. Wrong. The Occampan slot in our registry is now officially closed, replaced by a former Borg. Kes has no equal in our hearts, but in many respects, Seven has taken her place on our roster. We hope to help and learn from her just as we did for and from Kes. Lastly, instead of concentrating on the last thing our friend did for us, I would remind you of the following fact : 60 to 65 years still lay in front of us. Miracles are fine, but by and large it will be Chief Engineer Torres that sees us home. She will need all your help and support-and sometimes your silence-to do so. I trust I have made myself clear."

Seven gently nodded her head, perhaps appreciating certain human rituals for the first time.

"Very clear, Captain."

Tom talked with Be'lanna as the group began to break up.

"You in the mood for a drink?"

"Maybe. What kind of drink?"

"Weeelll, on the holodeck, I discovered this program concerning a frontline medical unit during Earth's Korean War. Now, these doctors knew how to live, and they built this homemade distillery that made moonshine so fierce that Kahless himself might respect it. It was called a Mobile Army Surgical Hospital. What do you say?"

"Try anything and I'll belt you."

"Oh, so you've used the program before."

In the doors walked Chakotay, having returned from a mineral survey of a nearby asteroid belt.

"Captain? Did I miss anything while I was gone?"

"Nothing of note, Commander. Just the end of a period of adjustment."

"Borg do not believe in adjustment. Other races would adjust to us."

Chakotay had not originally wanted Seven on board, and was always up to challenging her Borg beliefs as she would spout them.

"Well, Seven, then what do Borg believe in, as a corollary to this rather intriguing situation?"

Again, a gentle knitting of the brow on her part.

"On occasion, we would find that a new situation would require more than mere assimilation and conquering. When that rare event occurred, we found ourselves in need of recalibration."


	27. No Movie Tonight

**No Movie Tonight**  
By Rob Morris

(A cross between the M*A*S*H episode 'Movie Tonite' and the ST:TOS ep 'Spectre Of The Gun')

After escaping the illusory Old West, Kirk sat his tense staff down to watch something sent by Lady Amanda.

"Spock, what is this ancient vid?"

"I assume from the title that it is a romance."

McCoy nodded.

"So long as it gets our minds off of Melkotians and Tombstone, Arizona."

"Da--and the tombstone placed above my own head!"

When the title went up, so did Kirk, resisting a glare at his dear friend.

"People, for reasons I'll explain later, we will not be watching---'My Darling Clementine'."

McCoy tried to save the night.

"We could always do a sing-along."


	28. Normal Beach

(Based on the Buffy The Vampire Slayer episode 'Normal Again')

Normal Beach  
by Rob Morris

His eyes opened, and he looked about furtively. The man with his  
face-almost-was there again.

"Jim? Jim, do you recognize me?"

"Sa-Sam?"

He said no more. It had to be a trick.

"Aurelan, I swear that he responded that time."

"I heard it too, George."

Next to the raven-haired beautiful woman stood a young boy with red  
hair.

"Doctor Picard? You said I play a role in his fantasy life?"

The bald man. His voice was familiar.

"As do I. As do we all, Peter. As you know, your uncle's traumas as  
a boy on Tarsus Four left him in this condition. In these fantasies, he  
plays a space hero. Your character is unique in that it seems to serve  
whatever mood he's in. When a *now-dismissed* intern left a detailed  
study of the Revelations Of St. John for your uncle to peruse, I'm  
afraid your character became quite bizarre indeed."

The man with his face except for a moustache nodded.

"But I always die, right?"

"You have to, Doctor Kirk. After all, what have you done since his  
traumas but try to shatter his safe fantasy world?"

The woman called Aurelan held his hand, which he pulled back.

"Just what did he do with Anton Karidian?"

"Well, Mrs. Kirk, that pedophile and would-be serial killer morphed  
into a mad colonial governor. How he was ever permitted to lead an  
acting class for young children..."

The boy again. Or was he more than a boy? Hard to remember...

"How many brothers does he think I have?"

"That depends. I must be frank with all of you. If we do not break  
the hold this-this violent utopia has on him soon, we may lose Jimmy  
Kirk forever."

He had to sleep. To leave this place. They tried to shake him, but he  
ignored them.

--------------

"Alright, Spock. I think you've stabilized him."

"But not enough, Doctor. Merely as much as I dare for now. I very  
nearly emerged within the fantasy again."

McCoy had wondered how Tyree's late wife had planned to continue  
dominating someone as strong-willed as Jim. They now knew. The  
secondary effect of the Mugato's toxin was to send the victim into a  
primal, perfect fantasy reflecting their deepest wishes and desires.

"Still can't figure out why Jim's fantasy world would be an  
insane asylum. It makes no sense."

"Doctor, within my meld, I sensed the Captain's struggle. The  
mental health facility is not, so far as I can tell, a place he desires  
to be. My best guess is that it is a compromise between what the toxin  
is making him see and his knowledge that the life it offers is a  
fraud."

"And if he accepts release from the asylum in that other place?"

"Then Doctor—he is lost to us forever."


	29. Spectre Of The Mask

**Spectre of the Mask**  
By Rob Morris

Chekov was apparently dead and the news was only getting worse in the Melkotian Re-Creation of Tombstone, Arizona. The gunfight at the OK Corral was more unwinnable than ever. Spock shook his head.

"Captain, the Melkotian illusion is far too intrusive. I cannot make this unreal place unreal enough. I fear we are lost."

McCoy made a fist and Scotty prayed. If Spock couldn't help himself, then every last bullet would find its mark. But their Captain never gave up.

"We can't get out of town. We know that. But can we get a message out?"

"All respect, Captain, but I hardly think the Melkotians'll allow us to be callin' the Enterprise for help."

"Not the Enterprise, Scotty. The Old West had brutality, and hatred. But there were those who served the cause of justice and the law. Two people in particular."

Spock nodded.

"Indeed, and our foes would have no choice but to respect these men, since all in this era did."

"Aye, but can those two be gotten here in time?"

McCoy grinned.

"Mister Scott, those two ALWAYS arrived on time."

The message was sent, and Sundown finally arrived. The gunfighters stood across from the Enterprise crew.

"You Clantons ready to die?"

Kirk shook his head.

"Nope."

Just then, two figures on horseback arrived and shot the guns out of the would-be executioner's hands. Doc Holliday was angered.

"This ain't your fight. Now get out of Tombstone!"

But the man with a white hat on a silvery horse, wearing a blue cowboy outfit that looked like it had never seen a stain, stood firm.

"Doc Holliday, you and I have had occasion to stand side-by-side. Now, these Clantons have agreed to turn themselves in, and answer for their crimes. Let the law decide these men's fates."

"This is the way the law works, here in Arizona."

The man's companion, a Native American of regal bearing, shook his head at that.

"Such a law is no law at all, as many of my people can attest. You cannot claim to bring law to this land and also do what you planned to do. Do not let your Constitution become as empty as the promises made to those who once held these lands in trust."

"Well said, my Old Friend. Doc, which path do you choose?"

The Melkotian illusion vanished when Holliday's group walked away. The two heroes waved at The Enterprise's crew, including a revived Chekov, before vanishing as well. Chekov stared at something he held in his hand. The Melkotian spoke once more.

"Through shrewdness and logic, you have bested our illusion, and shown yourselves to be much less barbaric than we thought. We shall talk again when we are ready."

Back on the ship, Chekov showed Kirk what he had in his hand--a single silver bullet.

"Kyptin, just who VAS that masked man?"

Kirk smiled. Spock spoke up.

"That Was No Masked Man, Ensign. That Was The Lone Ranger."

With that, Kirk and company, using their silvery ship with many times the speed of light, went----AWAY!!!

A Little William Tell Overture, anyone?


	30. Worf's Warriors

_A loose Remix of events from the DS9 episodes 'In Purgatory's Shadow' and 'By Inferno's Light'_

**Worf's Warriors**  
by Rob Morris

( We see that The Dominion Prison Camp is out in the open air; Worf, having attained the rank of Colonel, runs a secret operation from it; He sports a Bomber Flight Jacket )

( Vorta Kalink walks up to him )

VK : Colonel Worf. Did I hear digging last night?

Worf : Oh, no sir. The men were just pacing back and forth a lot.

VK : Whatever for?

Worf : Oh, sir! You've seen right through me, as always. They were trying to figure out what to get you for your birthday. The men are so devoted to you.

VK : As well they should be. There has never been a successful escape from St'lg kt'rce!

Worf : Oh, we know that, sir. Martok and I were discussing that same thing at Quark's last week.

( Realizes his words too late )

VK : Quark's? But that's on Deep Space Nine---Oh, I get it. You were dreaming again! Oh, it must be so hard to be a broken prisoner!

Worf : Er, yes. Well, I have to go. Bye

( Walks off )

Worf : I cannot believe he fell for that.

VK : FIRST!!!

( The First, who is a trifle out of shape to be a Jem'Hadar, responds to VK's call )

First : Y'whl! I respond, Vorta Kalink!

VK : Have you noticed any unusual activity among the prisoners?

First : I have seen, and I know of no such activity!

( First glances nervously as Garak and Bashir set up an antenna on top of The Camp's sensor array; Bashir actually waves )

First : I see No Thing that is unusual! No Thing!

( Back in barracks )

Worf : How far do our tunnels now extend?

Tain : All over the planet. Plus, we have communications bunkers in each one, with their antennas hidden By Dominion banners.

Bashir : What's more, we're doing a brisk business, moving out over 1500 Federation prisoners a day.

Rom : I wasn't in the camp in the actual episode, folks. But we needed a resident goofball, so Quark sold me to Tain at cost.

Garak : A most fortunate thing that, while imprisoned here, we discovered that temporal anomaly. It took us 5 years into the past, enabling us to have the camp ready when the Dominion arrived.

Worf : Yes. All goes well. But now we have to smuggle the Defiant back to DS9. Perhaps Kalink can help us.

( Vorta Kalink stands amazed ; We see Defiant )

VK : Amazing, Colonel Worf! This full-scale replica model you made for the Female Founder has such incredible detail! Don't let anything happen to it.

( Defiant takes off )

Worf : Oh, Kahless! The wind is taking it!

VK : No, Colonel! All that work your men did. Mark my words, this wind will be investigated at the highest levels!

Next week on Worf's Warriors :

( We see Bashir made up to look vaguely like a shapeshifter )

VK : Oh, we are so blessed to have you here, Founder!

Bashir : This place is filthy and disorderly, unlike the Great Link. Turn on all the lights to investigate this dirt!

VK : But Founder, that will light the way for The Federation Task Force to...

Bashir : Are you questioning a Founder?

( VK and First look scared )

A PRODUCTION FROM B'NG, SON OF K'RSBY, A MAY YOU DIE WELL PRODUCTION


	31. The Brand Of Gideon

**The Brand of Gideon**  
By Rob Morris

Odona explained everything.

"We need the disease your body carries, to lower our population."

Kirk nodded.

"I see."

"Overpopulation leads to disorder."

"Yes, well. Disorder must be quelled By any and all means."

Odona picked up a hidden phaser.

"I'm glad you agree."

"How could I not?"

"James Kirk, will you tell me something?"

"Of course."

She held up the phaser.

"Why did you--aaahhahhhh!!!"

Kirk's knife met it's mark. Odona fell over, quite dead.

"You can come out, now...the game's up."

As they always did, a group of impossibly strong pasty-faced men with perfectly straight hair moved the walls away.

"Well done, Number One!"

Again Kirk faced the regal-looking man, mostly bald, who was his sworn nemesis. He almost spat at him.

"I am not a number, I am a Federation citizen! Section 31 can't hope to change...."

The man looked down at the sleeping Kirk, and smiled. His Anglo-Gallic accent made him sound all the more like a kingmaker.

"Invisible Gas, Number One. Let us see. The Nexus failed, The Tholian Interphase failed, BOTH rehab colonies failed. Heh. We even blew up your ship, and killed your son! What to do next, after uncounted missed chances? I shan't last much longer without results. Ah, I know. On 'Veridian', we fought as brothers. But brothers can be lost, Number One. You know that better than any."

The Section 31 agent turned to two women, a tall redhead and a gorgeous brunette.

"Drug him and put him in the proper frame of mind. It's time he went back to that first five year mission. Physic, your precious brat should finally prove of use."

----------------------------------------------

When Kirk awoke, he saw he was again on the First Enterprise. He had long since learned not to trust the people who walked and talked and looked like his friends.

He knew this day. Sam and Aurelan were dead, and it was left to him to explain this to a Peter who had just come out of his coma. But the boy looked taller, lankier, and not really at all like Sam. But with all they had done to him, could he really be sure what his kin had looked like anymore? For that matter, could he know anything? Of course he could not

With 'Spock' and 'McCoy' flanking him, he feigned a smile as the boy awoke.

"Peter? Son, can you hear me?"

"Un-Uncle Jim? Mom--Dad? Oh, No! Please, Uncle Jim, tell me something, and promise you'll tell me the truth?"

Exactly like that horrible day.

"Of course, Pete. Ask me anything."

The grieving boy almost seemed to be fighting back a smile. Kirk knew, then, what his question would be.

"Uncle Jim?"

The Pause.

"Why Did You Resign?"


	32. Everywhere The Action's At

**Everywhere The Action's At**

by Rob Morris

**EARTH, THE EARLY 1990'S**

Khan Singh sighed audibly as he again questioned the apparent leader of the daring group that had infiltrated one of his most secret bases.

"My friend, do not try my patience, nor insult my intelligence. You claim to have gotten hopelessly lost, and merely stumbled upon a base that armies around the world have failed to find?"

The nervous little man in glasses nodded.

"Ya see, sir---my sister, she replaced the road maps we were supposed to use with treasure maps of Atlantis."

Khan shook his head.

"Why would she do such a thing?"

"The other guy who's with us? She kinda wants him as her boyfriend. So she does---such things. I can't explain her."

Khan slammed his fist down on the table.

"That, sir, is exactly what you will do. You will explain absolutely everything, including how you got in and all your plans. But you do have my respect for having come this far. I would know the name of so unlikely yet bold a band of adventurers."

"Huh? You wanna know the name of our band? Are you kidding?"

"No. In fact, I insist that you reveal the name of your band."

Badly confused but wanting to live, the manager did just that.

"Josie And The Pussycats."

Khan grinned, rolled his eyes, and waved an opened hand.

"No. Really. What is your band's name?"

Assembled in front of him now, Khan pointed his finger at a pretty blonde.

"You, girl. Do you even understand that you face down Khan Noonien Singh himself?"

The girl giggled. In fact, she looked like she giggled a lot.

"Is your name really Noonien? Cause I could never sleep that late!"

An anxious brunette girl shook her head.

"Sleep? We're still waiting for your brain to wake up!"

On the ground, a cat turned away from them all, groaning. Khan nodded.

"That—is a very intelligent cat. Perhaps the only intelligent one here."

Two other girls and a well-built young man managed to cut a rope. A bell dropped down from the tower above, and as it crashed through the wall, all the young intruders jumped on and rode as it slid down the mountain. The talkative brunette found herself riding inside the bell's hollow.

Joachim called to his master.

"My lord Khan—give the order, and we will pursue them."

Khan in a daze shook his head.

"I am not at all sure I want them."

Khan fought hard to keep this one out of the history books.

YEARS LATER….

He awoke in a fog. He had managed to shake off the cryo-sleep his enemies had imprisoned him in. This was the superior man. He immediately gazed out a port view.

"Another ship?"

It was a long rocket, round at the top. And through one of its windows he saw something that made his blood run cold.

"Pussycats!!!"

He made for his chamber, pressed the auto-start, got in—and prayed.

CENTURIES LATER…

"Captain?"

"Yes, Uhura?"

"The oddest thing happened with our guests from the sleeper ship."

"What happened?"

"Well---myself, Yeoman Rand and Ensign Myers—she's the redhead from Engineering—were turning a corner, and ran into the one who calls himself Khan."

"He didn't try and hurt you?"

"No, sir. He just took one look at our little trio—and screamed."

"Could you have been doing anything that offended him culturally?"

"I thought about that. But all we were doing was laughing and singing some god-awful ancient ditty. Something about 'long tails and ears for hats'."

THE END?


	33. Court Adjourned

**Court Adjourned**  
By Rob Morris

Kirk was angered, but kept it in.

"Commodore Stone, if you won't even entertain our motion to go aboard  
the Enterprise, you leave me with no choice."

Areel Shaw got up.

"Your Honor, he is threatening this court!"

Stone nodded.

"And not doing a terribly good job of it, I might add."

Kirk slowly shook his head and grinned.

"I don't make threats, Commodore. Areel--- I'm truly sorry. Mister Cogley--- bring in your partner."

The doors opened, and all eyes went wide at the sight of Cogley's law partner. Areel Shaw gulped, now realizing why Kirk apologized. She was good, but there wasn't a sentient solicitor who could take this bear of a man in court. It was speculated he could stare down a T-Rex, if need be. He approached the bench.

"Your Honor, I move that under the weight of precedent of Federation Law that this proceeding be moved aboard the Enterprise."

The man's voice was deeper than Stone's own. The Commodore shook.

"Y-yyes, By all means!"

Spock's communicator beeped. He took the message.

"Captain, our gambit has worked. Ben Finney--very much alive—has turned himself in to ship's security. It seems he learned of your new attorney--and despaired of success."

The attorney turned to Kirk.

"Really, Captain. Just because of me?"

Kirk smiled, while Areel Shaw worked up the courage to speak to her hero.

"Well--you really shouldn't be surprised. After all, if I were in poor Ben's place, I certainly wouldn't want to go up against Perry Mason!"


	34. Amok Princes

Amok Princes  
By Rob Morris

Aboard The Enterprise, Leonard McCoy had no choice but to call for security.

"You weren't in your right mind, Spock. That witch set you up. It's her fault Jim is gone."

Spock did not agree.

"Manipulative though she may be, Doctor, it was not T'Pring's hand on the Lirpa. The fact remains : My Captain and My Friend is dead, and I must take responsibility for that grievous fact."

While a gentler version of their usual back-and-forth went on, neither of them noticed Jim Kirk start suddenly, then revive. His gut-wound had already healed.

"What's going on?"

McCoy yelped. Later, Spock would not even bother to deny an emotional reaction. Suddenly, their Captain's incessant risk-taking came up in an entirely new light.

"Well, I guess I can trust you gentlemen to keep my secret. You see, the Kirks adopted me---and yes, Carol was wrong about David's parentage. Since this tunic is ripped, I'd best go back to my cabin. We'll talk---later."

"Count on it, Captain."

"Ditto, Jim."

After Kirk left, McCoy shook his head.

"Spock, you don't suppose Jim is an....."

"It would seem logical to assume that, Doctor. But that leaves one remaining puzzle."

"Just one?"

"Yes. Wherever does The Captain keep his sword?"

"A valid question, Mister Spock. But don't lose your head over it."

At that, Spock raised an eyebrow, left, and rejoined the Captain.

**2371 - Veridian Three**

"Need some help moving those rocks?"

Picard brushed off the help.

"No, thank, you, I.....AAAAAHHHHH!!!!"


	35. Just Stick With Us ST 2009 Movie

Just Stick With Us

By Rob Morris

The security man once called 'Cupcake' shook his head as the mad scientist entered the brig.

"That guy needs a wedgie."

"…and our mother always favored my brother Noonien,…"

Kirk cut him off.

"Enough with your tragic backstory, Doctor Soong. Geez—what a doof."

Matt Decker seemed half-impressed with his mission partner.

"Jim, aren't you a little young to be a starship captain?"

"Why Yes. Yes I Am."

Spock saw a smiling Uhura come around the corner.

"Hey, Commander. Whatcha doin'?"

"Merely watching the Captain attempt to do it all."

Kirk looked around for the furtive Ensign Chekov.

"Where's Pavel?"


	36. A Private Little Feud

A Private Little Feud  
by Rob Morris

(We see Kirk, Spock and McCoy beaming down)

Kirk: I stayed on this world as a young ensign. I became a part of the tribe that runs it.

McCoy: Imagine. That poor mountaineer finding vast dilithium stores on his property while shooting at a rabbit! What are the odds?

Spock: By the way, Captain. Areel Shaw and Sam Cogley called you. It seems that they have moved to a small rural area.

Kirk: Let's not go there, Spock.

Spock: But I have heard that it is the place to be.

McCoy: There's the---Jim, that's a mansion! I thought you said they lived rustically.

Kirk: Wait'll we get inside...you'll see.

(A furtive figure then jumps Jim--they wrestle until he emerges the victor)

Elly May: Why, if it ain't Cousin Jim! You allus wuz the only one who could whup me.

(Elly May looks at Spock)

Elly May: Now how does a feller like you go about to whuppin someone?

Spock: Were I to attempt such an endeavor, Miss Clampett, I would bypass fisticuffs and make use of what some call The Vulcan Nerve Pinch.

(Spock demonstrates; But Elly May does not faint)

Elly May: Well, that sure is a nerve, a-grabbin at somebody's neck like that. Most folks'd be so offended, they'd leave ya be entirely!

(Spock stares at his hand, just wondering)

(Jethro waves and comes by; He is jumped by The Mugato)

Kirk: Jethro, don't move! I'll....

(Jethro simply punches The Mugato, who recoils)

Jethro: Hiya, Cousin Jim! Elly May--I abide your critters. But that one just keeps a jumpin me.

Elly May: (Grabs Mugato by the horn) Now look here, Mugie! Jethro here may be as dumb as an outhouse seat--but I warned ya bout jumpin folks. It ain't hardly proper. Now you go and clean the Cee-ment Sea! Git!

(Mugato grabs pool bug-net; Looks very afraid as it grunts and walks away)

Jethro: Cousin Jim--ya want I should tell my Uncle y'all are here?

Kirk: Yes, Jethro. If you would.

(Jethro puts his hand by the side of his mouth)

Jeth: Hey, Uncle Jed....

(Elly May punches him in arm)

Elly May: That ain't the way you do it!

(Whistles with two fingers; Yells at top of lungs)

Elly May: PA!!! COUSIN JIM AND TWO OF HIS FRIENDS IS HERE!!!

(Spock rubs at one ear)

(From inside emerges Jed Clampett; He's also rubbing his ear)

Jed: Elly May--I was just right inside the door!

Elly May: (Clueless) Ya wuz after I hollered for ya, Pa.

Jed: Jim--you are a sight. Wellll-Doggy! A Starship Captain. Can I ask ya somethin'?

Kirk: Of course, Jed.

Jed: Now--just what is it a starship Captain does?

Kirk: (Surprised) Errr-me an my crew go out among the stars. We explore the secrets of those uncounted stars.

Jed: Ya mean y'all ain't even bothered to count em' all? Jim, that ain't hardly like you. You used to be such a hard workin' man.

Spock: Mister Clampett, there are over 100 billion stars in our galaxy alone.

Jed: See? Now yer friend here, he already went and started countin. I'm right disappointed in you, Jim.

(McCoy thinks of his own rural upbringing)

McCoy: Mister Clampett, its not Jim's fault. He's suffering from--errrr-- Romulan Rheumatism. Isn't that right, Spock?

Spock: Indeed. He had meant to get---ta countin.

Jed: Well, why din't ya tell me? Now, Jim--you know we got a cure round these parts for all types of Rheumatism.

(They all follow Jed inside the house; Through to the kitchen)

Kirk: Jed--we're really here to talk about purchasing your dilithium for the Federation.

Jed: Well, Jim---I'm afraid you're gonna haveta compete with those Klingon fellas. They showed up first, so's they have first say.

(In the kitchen with Granny are Kang, Kor, and Koloth)

Kang: You will never have this planet, Kirk! The Empire will....

(Granny pushes Kang down into his chair)

Granny: Now you be peaceable and eat your meal!

(Kang looks at his plate)

Kang: What....is this?

(Granny nods and smiles)

Granny: A local specialty---Serpent Worms!

(Kang covers his mouth)

Kang: Gag!

Granny: Now that's a right good name fer it--Gagh!

(Not wishing to offend, the other two Klingons grin and eat their meals)

Koloth: A--a warrior's best meal!

Kor: Too bad we can't introduce some back in The Empire.

(Granny smiles)

Granny: I thought you might feel that way. So's I made plenty more. Enough to feed all of Q'onos!

(The Klingons roll their eyes; Kirk points)

Kirk: Jed--the Klingons are fiends. They ravage local environments. That swamp two miles away? They'll drain it and destroy its ecosystem!

Jed: Well, Howdy! That's right friendly of em'.

Jethro: That durned swamp is chock full of gators and skeeters!

Koloth: Mister Clampett---these weaklings will try to collect your rifles and take them away from you!

Jed: (Goes to the closet where thousands of rifles lay) Jim, if you do that, I'd be a grateful man. I got too durned many of these things.

Elly: Not ta mention the ones I got in my room. Pa, if Cousin Jim'll do that, I say we go with him.

Jed: Okay, then. Oh, Granny--Jim here has got hissself a touch of the rheumatis. You got some moonshine, help clear that up?

(McCoy thinks quickly)

McCoy: No-no! He HAD rheumatism. I cured it. Just before we beamed down.

Jim: (Smiles) Besides, that moonshine--is strong stuff. I'll pass, folks.

Granny: Hmmmm. A McCoy who's a Doctor, eh? Must come in handy, what with your kin a-goin at The Hatfields all the time!

McCoy: Well, Ma'am--I'm not one of those McCoys. My family was originally from a place called Bugtussle.

(Granny gets enraged)

Granny: Jed! Its one of them local McCoys! Fetch the shotgun!

(Except for the Klingons, they all run out, trying to restrain Granny as she chases McCoy)

Kang: So--Kirk fears this moonshine.

Kor: Well, I don't. Humans are so soft.

Koloth: This setback aside, let us toast the victory of the Klingon Empire!

(They drink; Then fall to the ground, screaming)

Kang: What--what's happened to us?

Kor: We're--we're freaks!

(Now, instead of TOS Klingons, they look like Movie/TNG Klingons)

Koloth: How can we go home like this?

Kor: Wait---what if we mix this moonshine into our homeworld's water supply?

Kang: We won't be freaks if everyone looks like this!

Koloth: If anyone asks--we'll just say we don't discuss it with outsiders!

Kang: Bring those serpent-worms! We'll sneak the moonshine in while everyone's gagging on them!

Kor: Yes. No way true Klingons would like these things.

(They leave)

(Outside--Granny has calmed down)

Granny: Lenny--ya shoulda told me ya wuz a McCoy from East Bugtussle. Its them West Bugtusslers ya hafta keep an eye on.

McCoy: Well, everyone knows that, Mrs. Moses. Do you have any collard greens?

Granny: Lemme check. Jethro! You eat lunch yet?

Jethro: No, Granny.

(Turns back to McCoy)

Granny: We got some, then.

Jed: Well, I guess we better get ridda all them Klingon phasers. Dangerous things. Doesn't leave hide nor hair left o' what you're huntin!

Jethro: Oh, don't you worry none, Uncle Jed. I made them phasers too heavy to carry around.

Spock: Jethro--how precisely did you accomplish this?

Jethro: Easy. They's a button on them, that makes them a load. So's I set em  
to overload!

(The Drysdales house next door goes sky-high as they all stare)

Jed : Jim?

Jed: Yes, Jed?

Jed: Someday---I gotta have a loooong talk with that boy!

(On The Bridge, the TOS Seven emerge from the lift and begin waving)

Well, Now Its Time To Say Goodbye To Jim And All His Crew; And They Would Like To Thank You Folks For Kindly Passin' Through; You're All Invited Back Next Week To The Enterprise Right Here; To Explore Strange New Worlds Out In The Space Frontier; Final That Is; Seek Out New Civilizations; Y'All Come Back Now--Ya Hear?

Coming Soon - Deep Space Petticoat Junction and Green Acres: The Next Generation--and on Thursday -- Get Janeway!


	37. The Golden Boys

**The Golden Boys**  
by Rob Morris

Theme: Thank You For Being A Friend; After I Brought Harriman's Life To An End; And If You Were To Die Now; And Your Body Had Been Quite Renewed; You Would See; With My Ship I Would Flee; And In The Fal-Tor-Pan You'd Say; Thank You For Being A Friend!

(We go to Miami, Florida, in the year 2295. Now retired Starfleet Officers Kirk, Spock, and McCoy live in one home, along with Spock's widowed father Sarek. A recent stroke has left him a trifle addled. McCoy's just that way)

(Spock sits at a table with K+M)

Spock: Alright, everyone. I have calculated the amount of our bills this month, and divided them three ways. If we all pay equally, and on time--we may just be able to accomplish our long-term goal of living here in peace.

McCoy: (Smiling a bit vacuously) Well, these nice people came by and needed money for their charities, so I gave my bill money to them.

Kirk: Bones, how could you give away the bill money? What kind of pea-brained idiot are you?

McCoy: (A bit hurt) Well, I figured, if I gave them my bill money now, maybe they'd give some to me when I needed it.

Kirk: Bones, we need that bill money--now.

(McCoy gets up)

McCoy: Then I'll go collect on my debt a little early.

(He leaves)

Spock: Not to worry, Jim. I was the charity officer in question.

Kirk: Then how come he didn't recognize you?

Spock: The cartoons were on.

(Sarek bursts in, wearing Klingon armor)

Sarek: My son, have you no honor? Why are you not prepared for our sacred pilgrimage to Boreth, to bask in the blood and songs of The Feast Of Dread Kahless?

(Spock raises an eyebrow)

Spock: Because, Father--it is not the Feast Of Kahless, and we are Vulcans.

(Sarek looks about, then nods)

Sarek: Yes. Highly logical. I was wondering why the bloodwine tasted so much like marinara sauce.

Kirk: Spock--about what we were discussing earlier-I'm afraid I've come up short.

Sarek: Finally, he admits it!

Kirk: Sarek, why don't you go where you belong, on Romulus?

Sarek: I am not from Romulus.

(Kirk smiles)

Kirk: I know.

McCoy: I looked everywhere, but I just couldn't find that charity!

Sarek: Did you look up your own behind?

McCoy: Dammit, Sarek, I'm a general practitioner--not a proctologist!

K+S: Are you sure of that?

Spock: Jim, I must question the reason why you do not have all of the money on time, as we agreed.

Kirk: I have...entertainment expenses.

Sarek: Its true, he does. Dating the entire Cadet Cheerleader Squad can be very expensive, what with dry cleaning and maintaining that saddle!

Kirk: Sarek---Amanda's going to be calling soon. Shouldn't you be in the living room, waiting for it?

Sarek: You're right, Jim. She doesn't call that often anymore. I wonder why?

Spock: Father, Mother died in bed, five years ago.

Sarek: I know, my son. But there was a lot more to our relationship than just sex.

(He leaves)

Spock: Jim....

McCoy: Oh, Spock, don't complain. At least we got rid of Sarek, for now.

Spock: Good point, Doctor.

Kirk: And he's the dumb one.

McCoy: If I'm so dumb, then how come someone else didn't notice he was hitting on the dance line from La Cage Aux Folles?

Kirk: I had to know, Bones. I-had-to-know. Then, I wished I hadn't. I mean, they hadn't even shaved their legs that night.

(Knock on the door)

(Kirk opens it, its Carol Marcus)

Carol: Jim!

Kirk: Carol!

(Slams door, walks away)

Carol (through door): We aren't done, Jim! We belong with each other. We had a son together, remember?

Kirk: David's been dead ten years, Carol. And I'll bet he's still livelier now than you were, last time we were in bed!

(She leaves)

Kirk: (Sees Sarek) Well, I'm for the refresher.

Sarek: Jim, you may wish to avoid the refresher. (Sits down, queasy)

Kirk: Oh, Sarek, No!!

Sarek: Indeed. The jalapeno pepper, while an intriguing vegetable, has many unanticipated long-term effects.

Kirk: Exactly--how many did you eat?

Sarek: Three Hundred.

(Kirk opens the front door)

Kirk: Oh, Carol, Darling! Let's start again!

(K Walks out, Sarek gets up suddenly)

Sarek: MANY---long term effects!

(Runs for the refresher)

(In the kitchen is McCoy, answering the back door)

McCoy: Yes?

Picard: Doctor McCoy--you have all been living in an illusion! All four of you were brought into the Nexus, eighty years ago!

McCoy: Izzat so? Well, sit down, while I get the others. Y'know, this all reminds me of something that happened in my hometown of St. Olaf, Georgia.....

--------------------------------------

MANY DAYS LATER........

McCoy: .......when in reality, it was the pig all along. Well, the scandal that resulted simply made all future Peach Cobbler Festivals one big joke. Wait, did I mention that the pig knew Ulie Turnower from his first farm? I didn't, did I? Welll, without that, the story's just pointless!

(Kirk walks in; Sees Picard, who has long since hung himself)

Kirk: Bones---who is this man?

McCoy: Huh...You know, Jim, I'm not really sure. He had some kind of message, I think.

(Spock and Sarek watch)

Spock: Another suicide, due to the Doctor's stories.

Sarek: I once knew a logician with similar problems.

Spock: Indeed?

Sarek: Yes. My son---picture it, Vulcan, 2182. We had just finally stopped using thees and thous--except for your grandmother, she was always a pain. I emerged, 17 years old and ready for my first Far Pett.

Spock: Don't you mean Pon Farr?

Sarek: If I had meant Pon Farr, I would have said, Pon Farr. No, Far Pett is when the girl first lets you get to second base. Boy, did my girl have a pair. Her name was T'Rim. T'Rim T'Rah, we called her---at least in part because that was her name.

Spock: Father, does this story have a point?

Kirk: Wait, did you say her name was T'Rim?

Sarek: That is correct.

Kirk (Opens a small ledger) Wow! I'm dating her tonight.

Spock: But you had scheduled a date with Miss Nymphomania, 2293, tonight.

Kirk: What's your point?

McCoy: Back in St. Olaf, we had a name for situations like yours Jim.

Kirk: Ok--I'll bite. What was the name?

McCoy: Slut.

(Sarek looks out back door)

Spock: Father, what are you doing?

Sarek: At some point, the people from 'Empty Nest' have just gotta show up for a cameo, and then I am SOOO outta here!

----------------------------------------------

Also, don't forget to watch the wacky misadventures of our Android Lieutenant Governor, his shape shifting rival, and a Talaxian goofball. That's right---'Bensoong' is next, on this station!


	38. Therapy For Methuselah

Therapy for Methuselah

by Rob Morris

THE CHICAGO OFFICES OF DOCTOR ROBERT HARTLEY

"Okay, Carol, put him through.... Cap-Captain Kirk? Yes. Okay, Yeah... I can barely hear

you... You're on the other side of the Galaxy... Well, that would tend to make reception a bit

dicey... How--How Can I help you?... Rigellian Fever? Well, I'm not an MD.... Oh, you have the

cure... Then why are you... You Can't Get The Cure... Kind Of Puts You Back At Square One, then... Mmmhmm. 6000 years old, you say? Been-been around the block, then. Probably built the block, too... Mister..Mister Flint?.... Well, I can see you being protective of Rayna, but we all have to let go sometime... But Not You, I see... Did You Write That Piece? I always liked it... You Painted.... Well, well--why was she smiling?...Gas? Oh, oh, that's a joke... What did you do in the 20th Century?.... Is That So?.... Then was 'Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds' a reference to... Mister Spock... No, chit-chat is not logical, I agree... Yes, we humans do tend to go on and on.. Sure... Well, Spock, sounds to me like T'Pring just wasn't the girl for you.... Your Mother embarrassed you? Don't-don't even get me started, there... Ok... Well, call him Captain, mostly, and Jim in private, then... Doctor McCoy?... Boy, could you do something about this reception?... Yes, I realize you're not a Communications Officer... So, the girl in question is an android... being torn apart by emotions... Spock says that-that the pain of love destroyed her.... Have you tried waking her up?... She's-she's not sleeping... Captain Kirk? Yes. You should just forget all about her... Forget.... Yes, Mister Spock, I realize that you can probably help him forget better than me... Oh, she WAS sleeping... ( Covers phone ) Heh. Guess who was wrong, 'Bones'... ( Goes back ) Rayna? Yes, this is Doctor Hartley.... Well, if you want to go to college before making a choice, I say that's a pretty good idea...Okay!... Captain?.... Old girlfriend problems? Well, if she tries to take over your body, then she's not really your friend, now is she?...Ok. Take Care...Bye."

( Phone rings again )

"Yes? Mmmhmmm. You're Captain Kirk's nephew? Hmmm. Big, big dragon. Prophecy fulfilled–yeah, they do tend to do that. Three Heads? Welll, at least he always has someone to talk to...Peter?....Hello?"

(Bob looks at the phone)

"Kid must be writing fanfic."

NEXT WEEK :

"I understand, Mister Worf. Bu-But is it a good day for an appointment? Wednesday? Oh, duel to the–to the death. Wednesday allowing, how about Friday? 10AM. N-No. Don't-don't bring Data–or Deanna. Why? Because in here, I'M THE SHRINK. Uhh–Data? Hi. No, I wasn't - I wasn't sighing. I see. Well, while Sigmund often has some decent insights, I think more–more modern professionals could really be more–modern."

(Carol's voice over the intercom)

"Bob, your Trill group is here."

"Okay, Carol. But tell them, as of next week–I'm charging by the lifetime."

PRODUCED BY THE BUTTON DOWN MIND OF BOB MORRIS


	39. Monty Pythonic Convergence

**Star Trek : A Pythonic Convergence**

**By Rob Morris**

**A Telling Blow**

(We see the officious Colonel walk out)

OC: See here--this, then, is the Parody entitled--'A Telling Blow' by . Hmmph. Seems rather a man as far behind as he should be concentrating on that whole dragon business, but then--who am I to say? All right---The Parodic Piece in question takes us to Veridian 3--- another piece set on Veridian 3? Fellows, the man died an onscreen death. Be rather good if you let him lie in peace. Well, I'm off.

(The 'camera' follows him as he goes)

OC: No, no. My work is done. Off with you. Camera--cut to---

Kirk: Did we do it-did we make a difference? Did we....uuuuhhh!

(Riker walks in)

Riker: Captain Picard--is that---

Picard: Yes, Number One. James T. Kirk briefly returned from the dead--only to die once again.

Kirk: I'm not dead.

Picard: To save the lives of countless individuals he will never meet--he gave his own life.

Kirk: I'm not dead.

(Picard looks down; frowns)

Picard: Mortally wounded, Starfleet's greatest Captain fights a losing struggle for life!

Kirk: I'm getting better.

Picard: He won't last long in his condition. Soon, the curtain shall fall on his brilliant career.

Kirk: I actually feel pretty darn good.

Picard: Number One---Your Sidearm.

(Riker gives him the phaser)

Picard: (Disintegrates Kirk) On the verge of recovery, his new life was brutally snuffed out quite unexpectedly!

Riker: I think I can recover a DNA fragment so Beverly can clone---

Picard: (Holds up phaser) Don't start, now.

(We go forward to DS9)

Harry Kim: (Restrains Paris from punching out Quark) Tom, let it go.

Paris: Okay. Fine.

Odo: What's going on here?

Quark: He was going to punch me, then he didn't.

Odo: See here, you two. How are we supposed to maintain order in these parts if you don't have a go at our merchants?

Quark: Don't you know who I am?

Narrator: We will now tell the story of The Ferengi Brothers, Rom and  
Quark.

Kim: Wait--you can't tell me you want to change those two into The  
Pirahna Brothers.

Paris: Yeah--that's a real stretch.

Odo: Well--at least knock some of his fangs out---be sports about it.

Security Officer: Odo, all's clear in my section.

Odo: And You Are?

SO: I'm Iwnt Anfelout----Of The Airlock.

All: I Went And Fell Out Of The Airlock?!

2nd SO: I'm Desi Criton--Of The Shrines

All: Desecration Of The Shrines?!

3rd SO: I'm Marm Aldi--On The Promenade.

All: Marmalade On The Promenade?!

(Man runs in)

Man: Its Alfuscl Invson!

All: A Ful-Scale Inv--

Odo: All right, we've worn this one thin.

(Janeway walks in)

Janeway: All right--who's with me for a flight to The Delta Quadrant--or have you all got things you'd rather do instead?

Chakotay: I was going to categorize the spirit guides.

Tuvok: Garak's is having a twofer on tuxes.

Paris: I was going to watch an episode of "Julian and those wacky Accelerates".

Torres: I was going to have some Vole Parmigiano.

Kim: I have a book I've been meaning to read.

Janeway: Is that so? Well, then--off with the lot of you---I'll go myself--be my own crew! Crewman Janeway?

CrJ: Yes, Captain Janeway?

CaJ: As of now--you're on all shifts.

CrJ: Bitch.

CaJ: First Officer Janeway--keep an eye on Crewman Janeway--I think she may be planning something.

FOJ: Captain Janeway, if I may suggest...

CaJ: Kate--don't push me on this one! Security Officer Janeway--escort First Officer Janeway to the brig.

FOJ: That won't be necessary, Captain. But be warned--one of these days--your style of Command will bring about a mutiny. Isn't that right, Morale Officer Janeway?

MOJ: Isn't it amazing what you can do with some roots and a little Vawjil Spice?

CaJ: Helmsman Janeway---take us out of here--Warp 6.

HlmJ: Yes, Maam!

EngJ: Captain Janeway--this is Engineer Janeway. I don't know how long we can maintain this pace before imploding or something!

Mary Sue Janeway: Captain, let my out-of-control mystic powers solve this dilemma!

Mary Sue Janeway, Version 2.1: No. Allow My Superior Knowledge And Lack Of Social Graces To Carry The Day.

Little Mary Sue Janeway: Hey--there's that important thing, that you said I should remind you of. That could save the day.

CaJ: Belay that. Navigator Janeway-- give us a Jackie Gleason riff on that horn! Jazz just might persuade our attackers to back off.

NavJ: Sorry, Captain. I left my horn in our quarters.

CaJ: Next time--you're busted down to Crewman--got me? Activate the Emergency Holographic Janeway.

EHJ: Captain, dire news---Cardassian Spy Janeway has sabotaged our systems.

CaJ: Block off all decks. She's not getting away this time!

(Onscreen appears Cardie Spy Janeway)

CSJ: I wouldn't do that if I were you, Captain--not unless you want your First Officer's unborn child to be harmed!

(The Voy crew observe all this)

Paris: One--they haven't even left yet. Two-----

Chakotay: Where did the other 12 Janeways come from?

(Picard and Riker arrive)

Sisko: Captain Picard--and Captain Picard! I see you've brought The Will Riker Twins As Well.

Riker: Captain--something's wrong.

Picard: I know, Will. For some reason, he can't see all six of us.

Sisko: There's someone here you all know--in both Federations, both Klingon Empires, and here on DS Nines. I give you--Captain James Kirk!

(Kirk walks out; Smiles)

Picard: But I atomized you!

Kirk: I survived.

Riker: Tell us how you survived.

All: Yes--tell us.

Kirk: I'll tell you---I want to sing it out!

(Music starts--Picard yells)

Picard: No--I won't have this!

All: He's going to tell--he's going to tell--he's going to tell--he's going to tell!!

Kirk: This Is Going To Be Big!

(Picard rushes for a ship at the airlock)

Picard: Phew! I'm safe.

(Sees 150 Janeways)

SOJ: Captain Janeway--this is Security Officer Janeway--we have an intruder-- definitely not one of us.

Picard: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

(Back on DS9)

Dukat: So you see, Ziyal--they told me not to build Terok Nor over the Great Gravity Well--that it would sink--and it did..So I built another--and it sank..then another, and it sank--so did the one after it--by now we were having trouble finding people to staff it....but then we built the Fifth Terok Nor....And That One Stayed Up! What do you think of that story?

Ziyal: It's....

(Next: Sisko goes on a mad hunt for Michael Ellis---aka The Larch)

**The First Berry **

(We see Starfleet Academy; Entering with the other cadets is Wesley Crusher; The Instructor already seems to be glaring at him, though this is actually his 1st day there.)

Instructor: Welcome to Starfleet Academy. Now, which one of you can name the one true enemy of The Federation?

Cadet 1: The Romulans?

(The Instructor Glares; He then pulls a pistol and shoots Cadet 1)

Inst: Pat answer! Next?

Cadet 2: The Maquis?

(A Hole opens in her seat, we hear Cadet 2 scream as she is ground up by gears)

Inst: No, no. The UFP does not recognize the Maquis, therefore they do not exist, and the answer is wrong. Next?

Cadet 3: No.

Inst: What do you mean, No?

Cadet 3: You'll kill me if I'm wrong!

Inst: I won't

Cadet 3: Promise?

Inst: Yes, Yes.

Cadet 3: Ok, then. The---Dominion!

Inst: This is TNG Season 5, my fine-feathered friend. The Dominion isn't around yet. Make another choice, quickly.

C3: (Nervous) Uh, The Vulcans from The Mirror-Universe? (Shuts his eyes)

In: Good answer! Now, in the Vulcan desert, you would face...The Lemataya!"

(He pulls a lever, and a prop-looking Lemataya comes out and devours C3 and several other cadets; A disgusted Wesley stands up)

WC: Look, sir. I don't know what you hope to gain by killing all these cadets, but you should stop.

Ins: Oh, we were prepared for you, Mister Crusher! You are a nightmare to us.

WC: Because I'm awkward?

Ins: No.

WC: Because I'm a know-it-all?

Ins: No.

WC: Because I can easily become a deus ex machina so easy to use, that the writers feel they have to destroy my character to please a small, hardcore segment of the fandom?

Ins: No.

WC: Then why?

Ins: Because you bring to us that most dreaded of qualities---ACTUAL PRIOR STARSHIP EXPERIENCE!!!!!

Cadets: GAAASSSPPP!!! NOOOO!!!

WC: Er, how is that a problem?

Ins: Oh, "How Is That A Problem?" Well, Mister, I'll tell you how! You may be able to open and close rips in the cosmos, and defeat the Borg and recover your Captain, and react graciously to the untoward physical assaults of your Mother and Engineer La Forge, and all that other 'Universe-saving" fal-de-ral, but none of that matters here! This isn't real life, it's Simulation! This isn't field work, this is theory! Oh, sure, you can save your crew from some ancient raving cosmic safeguard, but when your grade--and the grades of every other cadet are out there, on the line, can you write that report? Can You?

WC: Um, Yeah. Very Definitely.

Ins: He's made of sterner stuff--put him in---WAIT FOR IT---Berry Squadron!

All: BERRY SQUADRON!

Song: BERRY SQUADRON, UBER ALLES, UNTER......

Ins: All right, you, stop that!

(A Cadet Leader, Tom Paris, emerges)

NTP: Hello, I am the cadet leader of Berry Squadron.

WC: You're Tom Paris!

NTP: No, I am Nottom Paris, his cousin.

WC: You're the same actor who plays Tom Paris.

NTP: If a certain underemployed actor ever wants a Voyager guest shot, he better...

WC: Oh, wait. You're Nottom Paris.

NTP: More like it. Now, I shall show you all how to deal with the dreaded Fresh Fruit.

WC: Fresh Fruit?

NTP: Look, I don't know how things are in the hellish void of space, but here on Earth, Fresh Fruit is a Holy Terror! Now, we load the fresh fruit into our flyers...

(Except for Wesley, the cadets get into their flyers)

NTP: Take off....Set the detonation sequence, which will not only confuse the enemy and kill us, but also destroy the Fresh Fru..........

(An angered Wes heads back for the Instructor)

Ins: Back for more, are we? All right, then. If Picard offers you a raspberry, and Riker a strawberry, which one do you attack first?

WC: Will Riker or Tom Riker?

Ins: I...I don't know....AAAAAAHHHHHH (Flies off into the stratosphere, to loud cheers from the cadets; Wes makes a proclamation to clear the room)

WC: Co-Ed Communal Showers!!!!!

(They all scramble out in a blind, horny panic)

WC: (To Audience) That ought to keep them busy for a while. Little did the Instructor realize that my geekiness is actually a cover. For I am truly---Wesley Crusher of Section 31!

Song: Crusher--Crusher— Crusher of Sec 31!

Deanna Troi: It's a Man's Life in The Starfleet Illegal Intelligence Department

WC: C'mon, you Betazoid wench! I'm waiting.

Riker: Better go, Deanna, or he'll beat me up again.

DT: Wimp!

Dear Sir: I would like to complain about your sketch. When I complained to your Mister Crusher about my complaint, he threatened to use his time travel abilities to wipe away my very existen... 

**The Borg Knight**

(DURING "First Contact")

Picard: Come, Data! We'll cross this corridor and...

Borg Drone: None Shall Pass!

Data: This makes no sense, Captain! The Borg drone makes no move against us, except to deny us passage!

BD: None shall pass!

Picard: Look, you've proven your value to the Collective! But either attack us or let us through!

(Borg Drone suddenly and inexplicably fries five fellow drones,  
attempting to go in the same direction)

BD: None shall pass!

P: Data, has he got "issues" or something?

D: I believe it is malfunctioning, Sir! Perhaps his shields are inoperative, as well!

(Data then fires his phaser at the BD's pincer arm; the arm vanishes)

P: Good, that's done with! (CP tries to go through, but BD's remaining arm bats him back)

BD: None shall pass!

D: Sorry, sir! His body-shield remains up, but perhaps on a different part...

(Data then phasers off the BD's other arm)

D: Now, sir, to quote Captain Scott, he should no tribble at...owwwww, my foot!

(Highly adaptive, the BD now has a spiked foot, with which it has just kicked Data's foot)

BD: None shall Pass!

CP: You Moron! Both your arms are gone! You are now irrelevant!

BD: This drone remains unharmed! Except for minor epidermal damage, this unit operates at 100% efficiency.

D: Most illogical. You are not operating at or near 100% efficiency, and I fear even a Tellarite would not call two missing arms minor epidermal damage!

BD: Irrelevant! None Shall Pass!

(Data then phasers off the leg with the spikes on it. BD remains steadfast)

BD: None shall Pass! (Hops back and forth across corridor, getting really annoying. Picard blows off remaining leg)

BD: I am Borg ! None shall Pass! I am Borg!

D: No, you are possessed of a mental aberration. You are what is referred to as a bleeding loony!

(CP and D pass; BD, now a stump, wiggles furiously)

BD: Return! Return! I still possess razor-sharp incisors that will tear your ankles to shreds! YOU YELLOW BASTARDS!

CP: (Turns, and then cuts the cheese in BD's face) I am French! I fart in your general direction!

(BD dissolves)

CP: Well, that may have been déclassé', Data, but.....

(Data is out cold, his olfactory sensors having overloaded)

CP: (Sees more drones) Oh, no! More Borg!

1st Drone: We are no longer the Borg Collective! We are now the  
Species-who-until-recently-said-Nee!

CP: You'll not assimilate me!

1st Drone: Your distinctiveness, your knowledge AND your shrubbery will  
be made to service us! Now give us the ships access codes!

CP: The CPU access codes or the self-destruct access codes?

1st Drone: We - we do not posses such knowledge.... (Hull breach; The  
Borg are sucked out; it reseals)

Data: (Awakens) Very good, sir!

CP: You have to know these things, when you're a Captain!

Lily: Jean-Luc! There You Are! I need your help! You see, I and all my friends - all reasonably attractive underemployed actresses aged 32 to 37 and 1/2 - have been very, very naughty! I fear we shall need to be punished!

CP: Mr. Data! Attend to the Borg! I shall deal with these –naughty girls!

Data: And there was much rejoicing!

Earth's Surface

Cochrane: You guys keep telling me about the "Great" Zephram Cochrane! Well, I don't want all this! I never wanted any of this! I just wanted to Zoom, off to Alpha Centauri, with me best Companion by my side, there to sing....

(We hear the sound of about 50 phasers being turned on, all aimed at Cochrane. Riker is holding one, as well)

Riker: Don't Even THINK about another variation on "The Lumberjack Song"!

Troi: Yeah, get back to work! GET ON WITH IT!

Next Week: The Holy Hand-Phaser of Antioch

AND : -------- THE LARCH /^^\

**The Dead Kirk Sketch**

Picard : Excuse me, sir!

Clerk : What can I do you for, Sir?

Picard : You sold me this TOS Captain, did you not?

Clerk : Well, I believe I did, sir!

Picard : I have an complaint!

Clerk : And what might that be, Sir?

Picard : He's dead!

Clerk : Oh, he's not dead, sir!

Picard : I am Captain Of The Enterprise! Do not tell me he's not dead!

Clerk : Oh, no! He's just pinin' for the Nexus!

Picard : Pinin' FOR THE NEXUS?! What kind of nonsense is this?

Clerk : Oh, yes, sir! Its a lovely Officer, the Movie Kirk! Lovely Dramatism!

Picard : Well, the dramatism hardly enters into it! He's bloody deceased!

Clerk : No, no, sir! He's merely sleeping!

Picard : Sleeping, is he? ( Kicks Kirk ) Rise and shine, Captain! WAKY! WAKY! No, I do believe this Captain is no longer with us!

Clerk : Oh, Sir! The Movie Kirk, he just sleeps like that! Its his natural state! Lovely Dramatism!

Picard : I discovered, later on, the only reason he seemed alive was this jet-pack you had strapped to his back!

Clerk : Well, sir! I'm surprised you don't know that the Movie Kirk has a jet-pack like protrusion on his back! Sides, what with all that kicking around you just did, the poor thing went back to sleep! He just needs to wake up!

Picard : My good man, this Kirk wouldn't wake up if you filled him full of regenerative Borg nanoprobes! He's been promoted to the Admiralty beyond the Stars! He's gone where most people end up going before! Instead of pips on his collar, he now has wings! Doctor McCoy has waved the little thingy in front of him, and intoned the dread pronouncement! THis, you TWIT, is an EX-Captain!

Clerk : I see. Well, what is it exactly you want then, sir?

Picard : Aaaargh! I wish to exchange him for a LIVING one! Say...Spock?

Clerk : I haven't got a Spock. I've got a Calhoun!

Picard : Well, is he from TOS?

Clerk : Well, no sir.

Picard : Well, then, he's hardly just compensation, now, is he?! Now, look, you sold me this dead Captain!

Sisko : And You sold me this dead Trill!

Janeway : And you sold me this dead Occampa! She's all discorporated!

Clerk : You know, I never wanted to do any of this! I wanted to go off to the Badlands, with me best girlie by my side!

" Oh, I am a Maquis, and I'm okay; I bomb all night and I talk all day!"

(At the thought of listening to "The Maquis Song", all 3 Captains die of heart embolisms; The clerk then peels off his mask)

Sulu : AT LAST! AT LAST! Two series, and the movies! MINE! All Mine!

(Cue to Deanna Troi, playing the piano, butt naked. Not to be sexist, but that guy in Python was UGLY!)

Dear Sir : We, the 1,930,000 known children of James T. Kirk, wish to protest the previous sketch for its total lack of respect to our bed-hopping father! Also, we know a great many Betazoid women, none of whom play the Piano wearing anything less than a frilly thong, which tickles the naughty bits----so we're told.

Signed,

Half the Galactic Population

(As the credits roll, we see Soran strap the Old Man to his missile aimed at the Nexus)

**Find Your Way Back**

(Aboard Voyager, all the officers meet with Janeway)

KJ: People, any luck in finding a path home? I mean, a quick one?

Be'lanna: I've found that we are being subjected continually to hot, intense lights.

Seven: The ship appears to be constructed out of plywood and fiberboard, plus plexiglass and other assorted plastics

Tom: I've recorded what seem to be directions given to move things, and set other things up.

Harry: I've taken note of the fact that most crewmembers serve no readily apparent function

Tuvok: I have combined these observations and presented several theories to Commander Chakotay.

Chakotay: Kathryn, you're not gonna like this.

KJ: We're Demon Class Duploids?

CH: Worse. This is a show. We're being filmed.

KJ: WAIT!! If we're being filmed, there must be a film crew! Maybe they can help us!

(They turn and see Voyager's production crew; They call out)

All: Hey, over here! Help us! Come and get us out.

(They run and embrace the crew)

Harry: Wait, we're still being filmed.

Tuvok: Then it stands to reason there is another film crew.

Seven: And I have found them!

(They all embrace, and this repeats endlessly)

(In the background, trying to read their scripts, are Avery Brooks and Nana Visitor; They see the mayhem on the other set)

NV: Avery?

AB: Yes, Nan?

NV: (Looks at chaos) Tell me again why OUR show is being cancelled?

AB: (Also looks at Voy set chaos) They said our storylines were getting weak and very silly.

NV: As compared to what, exactly?

**My Son's Occupation**

(As we enter the House Of Sarek, we see that it is in fact a dingy little flat; Sarek is a bit burlier, with a British accent; Amanda is a man in a dress; Spock is his 'normal' self)

Sarek: Well, son. It's off to StarFleet Academy with you! The latest in a long line of Vulcans leaving this wretched, horrid desert world for better places. Oh, Vulcan makes me want to spit! Out in space, and tearing the Prime Directive into little tiny pieces, now that's the life for me!

Amanda: Ohh, Muy, Yes. I expect to have many hundreds of illegitimate grandchildren running around the galaxy very soon. Yew should hear Brianna Kirk go on and on about the thousands her Jimmy has been squirtin' out. An away mission in his head, his privates up some green bird's reproduces. (Swats Spock) Don't you love me? Cahn't yew at least knock up T'Prang fore you go to the Academy? That'd give me somethin' to play with whilst the Ambassador finds some new buggies to make peace with.

Sarek: Woman, they are not buggies! They are goaties! Gorblimey, she's as thick as a Tellarite's 5 O'Clock Shadow!

Spock: All this is illogical. I do not care for T'Prang. Brianna exaggerates. I do not wish to go to StarFleet Academy. And you, mother, are a man in a dress.

Sarek: (Swats him) Hey, now! That's a saucy way to talk at your own mother! And you, young man, WILL get T'Prang in a family way fore you leave for the Academy. Why, all her friends are preggers, and there's talk of scandal! Wait, what's all this about not joining StarFleet? What do you intend to do with all your life? Lolly about with your 'Logical' friends?

Spock: Actually, yes. I intend to join the Vulcan Science Academy.

Amanda: Horrors, Nooo! At the Vulcan Science Academy, they're a bunch of faeries and cross-dressers!

Spock: Again, Mother! You Are A Ma...

Amanda: None of your cheekiness!

Sarek: Oh, let him go off and stay on Vulcan his whole bloody life. Go and study "Science" and "Technology". Yoou are no son of mine!

Amanda: Mine, either!

Sarek: Well, of course he isn't, dearest, you are a man in a dress.

Amanda: Oh, yes, I keep forgetting. Oh, Spock, if you couldn't join StarFleet, why couldn't you at least be a religious fanatic like your brother Sybok? What will I tell my friends?

Spock: That they, too, are men in dresses.

Sarek: Well, we're a bit of obsessed with that, aren't we, Spock? You "stay-on-Vulcan" types turn my stomach! Now get out! I'm about to Pon Farr, and I need to find a woman wearing a man's tuxedo! (He leaves)

Spock: A most curious creature. Why did you marry him?

Amanda: Oh, e' ad a good rump, back when

_**10 years later **_

Sarek: (Writing and Speaking) Dear Spock, I wish to apologize for....No, No, No I Don't wish to apologize now. Go on.

20 years later

Sarek: Dear Spock, I wish to...wait, is this 20 years after the fight, or 20 years after the last letter? I got a right to know these things, ya know!

20 years after the fight, but 10 years after the rather vapid 1st letter

Sarek: Oh, so its like that, is it? Well, bugger off, the lot of you!

(Spock walks in)

Spock: You wish to see me, Father?

Sarek: How's ya know?

Spock: BBC3 called, and told me about this sketch

Sarek: Oh, well that's good of em'. Spock, I heard tell that your illegitimate, half-Romulan daughter is knocked up by Kirk's son by his brother's wife. Is all this true?

Spock: Yes, Father, it is. They also have no plans to marry.

Sarek: (Embraces him) Son! Oh, I misjudged your friends! They seem to be people of good character. Say, howzabout a little Slash? Go and put on one of your Mother's old dresses!

Spock: (Is shocked, then smiles) Oh, what the hell. Leonard needn't know.

Narrator: And now, the highly moral version of that same ending.

Spock: I'm sorry, Father, but there will be no 'Slash' as you call it. I simply cannot engage in such aberrant activities. After all, I have no desire to hurt or otherwise betray Leonard.

Sarek: I'm sorry, my son. What was I thinking? But say, I have your mother's body on ice....what say we fire up the grill and cook her up?

Spock: Well...I am feeling a bit peckish.

Dear BBC Management: I must protest heartily the fact that this sketch has no real, conclusive...

**Runabout Repairman**

(We see Deep Space Nine. Every corridor and deck is swamped with Captains. The main five or six plus all the background Captains, as well)

Narrator: This is Deep Space Nine, a typical rural community out on the edge of the Final Frontier.

(We see Kirk)

N: This is James T. Captain, a typical resident of this sprawling megalopolis.

K: Hi guys!

(Waving hello are Sisko, Picard, and Janeway)

N: These are his close friends and relations, Jean-Luc Captain, Benjamin Captain, and Kathryn Captain.

S: Nice fellow, that James T. Captain.

P: Yes, but he's so meek and mild-mannered, it scares me!

J: I don't know. Sometimes I think he's hiding something—something big!

S + P: HIM!!?

P: Ben Captain, let's laugh dismissively at Kathryn Captain's suggestion.

S: Capital Idea, Jean-Luc Captain!

P+S: Snicker, snicker, snicker!

J: Hmmph!!

Narrator: But indeed, James T. Captain does have an amazing secret identity, as we shall soon see.

Matt Decker: Will, start the Runabout!

Will Decker: Okay, Dad!

(Turns the power, lights go out)

M+W: OH, NO!!! Our runabout won't runabout!

(On the screen appears the female shapeshifter, cackling)

Shape: HA! Without your runabouts, you are all helpless! Soon we villainous types will conquer the Galaxy!

J, S, and P: Whatever Shall We Do?

K: Hey, look out at the wormhole!

(For some reason, they all do. Kirk changes into an engineering jumpsuit and dons a hat and moustache)

RR: Scuse me, guv'nrs!

All: Runabout Repairman!? But How?

Garth of Izar: Was that a transwarp vessel?

Calhoun: NO! It was Runabout Repairman. Godspeed, Sir!

(Kirk makes for the Deckers' Runabout, and has the thing working very quickly)

Will D: Dad!!!

Matt D: Yes, son. We owe our lives to this mighty hero!

Shape: Curses! Foiled again by my archenemy!

Matt: Sir, however shall we repay you?

RR: No need, Cap'n! It's all in a day's work for---Runabout Repairman.

(Kirk changes back, rejoins the others)

K: Hey, Captains. Did I miss anything?

S: Catch James T. Captain, Jean-Luc Captain!

P: Yes, Benjamin Captain. He was probably hiding till this whole thing blew over!

J: Come to think of it, James T. Captain is never around when our hero shows up. James T. Captain?

K: Yes, Kathryn Captain?

J: Could you fix my door?

K: What? Kathryn Captain, what do you think I am---Runabout Repairman?

(Kirk winks at audience)

(As we leave, we see Morn exit Quark's; Inside, all the waiters and customers and other staff have slaughtered each other in a frenzy; We hear Morn finally speak)

Morn: Good thing I didn't tell Quark about the dirty knife!

**Stop This Now**

Kirk saw Ghidorah in the viewscreen. The thing was huge. He wasn't sure what Enterprise could do against the behemoth, but his crew was ready, and so was he.

"Behold THIS, Ancient Destroyer! Mr. Chekov, Mr. Sulu, on my mark---FIRE!"

Just then, a man wearing a 20th-Century British Colonel's uniform emerged onto the Bridge.

"All right, all right, stop this now!"

Kirk looked annoyed.

"Mister, were in the middle of pitched battle with a mythological monster! I don't appreciate interference!"

"No, no! That monster is merely a man in a three-headed rubber suit! It's not even CGI! No, I'm calling this crossover off! It's gotten rather silly quite quickly!"

Outside the ship, Ghidorah shrieked.

"That's quite enough out of you! Bobby, take him off!"

Outside the ship, a British Constable the same size as Ghidorah slapped cuffs on him.

"All Right, You! Come quiet, and I won't have to use me nightstick!"

The three-heads huddled.

"What do we do?"

"I says, we run for it!"

"Won't do. Sides', it's a fair cop!"

Ghidorah left quietly. On board the ship, Kirk made plans.

"Ok, Spock. Set course to rendezvous with Luke Skywalker and his bunch!"

The Colonel shook his head.

"No, no, Captain. That "Force-created dimensional interface" is far too weak a premise! I'm afraid that none of your current crossovers pass muster!"

Spock raised an eyebrow.

"Colonel, is it our current crop of crossovers you find objectionable, or the general idea of genres crossing?"

"Now, see here, Mr. Spock! Nobody likes a good crossover better than myself! Well, except for my wife, our sons, our daughters, their spouses, , Lauras Valentine and Taylor, JStaik, Marlissa Campbell, Paul Gadzikowski, Cathy Krawiec, Mandy Beckett, Audrey Meusel---oh well, it seems that MOST people like a good crossover better than me! But it hardly matters! On to the Starbase Sketch...."

The Starbase Sketch

WAIT FOR ITTTTT!!!!!!"

"The Real Starbase Sketch"

As the Colonel sat in his office, two Klingons walked in to see him.

"And how may I help you two gentlemen?"

"I am Dindsdlex, and this is my brother, Pirahn! We are here to welcome your Starbase to the Neighborhood!"

"Welcome? But this base has been here for 75 years!"

"Yes. It is a strong, fine, Starbase you have here, Colonel! Be a shame, if anything were to happen to it!"

"Happen to it? Are You Threatening Me?

"No one is issuing threats, Colonel! We're just two concerned Klingons, is all! You have all those shuttlecrafts, all those heavy cruisers----who can say what might occur?"

"Now, for a small fee, we will offer---protection!"

Just then, the Emergency signal came on all frequencies.

"KING GHIDORAH HAS ESCAPED!"

Out in Space, the creature blasted a planet to atoms, uttering one plaintive cry.

"DINSDLEX?"

Tellar fell, then Andor.

"DINDSLEX?!"

Alpha Centauri, and Ceti Alpha next, with each head asking the same question, in unison, and then in turn, poking its head out from asteroid fields.

"DINDSDLEX!!!!!?"

It is now time for the Godzilla on top of your TV set --- to explode.

Next on BBC981-Gratuitous Female Ferengi nudity and---The Larch.

"DINSDLEX!!!!!!!!!!!???????"


	40. So Who's Mourning?

What happens when Kirk and company face down the arrogant Apollo, only to have another member of Apollo's family stop by?

So Who's Mourning?

By Rob Morris

James T. Kirk stood his ground.

"We no longer have need of so-called gods. Those of us that do find the One more than sufficient."

To the being called Apollo, Kirk was engaging in hubris at best, blasphemy at worst. Either way, he would be punished.

"Your ancestors kneeled before us and offered prayer, and sacrifices. On occasion, though, they, too, needed to be reminded of the power of The Gods of Olympus! As I remind you now, Captain."

To Kirk's shock, lightning issued forth from the being's hand, too quick for him to dodge. Whether it would have done him any harm was quickly rendered moot, though.

Between Kirk and the lightning bolt appeared a man. He was tall, muscular-looking, with hair that was somewhat long. He wore an open-chested yellow tunic and pants that appeared to be made out of cured animal skins. He teleported in just as the bolt struck. It merely bounced off of his chest. Apollo was stunned to see the newcomer, who then waved his finger in a shaming motion.

"C'mon, Apollo! Aren't you a little old for this nonsense?"

"Don't interfere, Brother! These mortals need to be taught respect."

The newcomer chuckled lightly.

"By who? A Posturing three thousand year-old bully? You've never changed. Even Ares has mellowed out-but not you, Apollo."

Kirk and company were alternately amused and terrified by this bizarre family exchange. For the moment, they stood and listened, but Kirk felt the newcomer was the one to root for, in all this.

"Zeus should never have raised you to full godhood, Hercules. Great was his folly."

Apollo's voice switched from strident to petulant without missing a beat.

"Because you never know how to have any fun!"

Apollo's fist jerked out, hitting one of his temple's columns, and smashing it. He looked up and heard a creaking sound. Kirk worked hard to keep from laughing.

"Apollo?"

"Yes, Hercules?"

"That was a support column, wasn't it?"

"Yes, brother, I believe it was. Aagggh!"

Apollo was buried beneath his own temple, a really dumb look on his face it came down. Kirk turned to Hercules.

"God or no god-That had to hurt."

"Maybe it'll teach him a lesson, though I kind of doubt it. Captain Kirk, on behalf of almost my entire family, I apologize for the God Of Light-headedness. Some of us just never got over being worshiped. You and your ship are free to go now, of course. Sorry about all this."

Kirk shook Hercules' hand, noting that the man must be able to use his great strength with precision, despite his powerful handshake.

"No need to apologize. While not on a cosmic scale, for some of the pranks my late brother Sam pulled on me, I should have gotten a house dumped on him."

"Iphicles and I were the same way, and I still miss him just as much as you apparently miss Sam-I-hey!"

Standing behind Hercules was an admiring Lieutenant Carolyn Palamas, who had just grabbed his rear. While she smiled dreamily, Kirk took note to lecture ALL his younger officers on dealings with potent aliens like Apollo. Hercules was embarrassed.

"Um, Lieutenant? I really wish you wouldn't do that."

"Sorry, Hercules. But I had to investigate your race just a bit more closely. I hope you don't mind."

There wasn't a bit of remorse in her words.

"I-don't mind-so much, but the problem is..."

Down from the clouds came a gleaming, ornate metal ringlet, perfectly circular, and perfectly balanced. It sharply bounced off of each and every single thing it could, then seemed to hover in front of Lieutenant Palamas. It traveled the entire length of her, somehow never actually touching her body. As Chekov's jaw dropped, and he was seen by all to be gasping for air, Carolyn Palamas realized her tunic had been completely destroyed. As she made a mad dash for the hedges, she said one thing.

"I-have got to start wearing undergarments!"

Whatever his reputation, Kirk was less interested in Palamas' state of dress than in the ringlet, which he now saw return to the clouds whence it came.

"Hercules-that weapon?"

Hercules nodded.

"It's called a chakram. The wife-gets REALLY jealous."

Hercules saw Kirk still staring at the clouds, and reasoned quickly what-or who he was smiling about.

"Captain Kirk?"

"Yes, Hercules?"

"I get jealous, too."

And so Kirk stopped staring.


	41. The Terrific Trio Of Triskelion

**The Terrific Trio of Triskelion**  
by Rob Morris

Returned to their cells after yet another defeat by their freakish opponents, the three Enterprise crew members regrouped. Chekov expressed concern for Uhura.

"Lieutenant, your tunic! Let me try and find us all something else to wear."

As Chekov did that, Kirk assessed the situation.

"Our garishly-dressed foes are making fools of us out there! Worse still, the Providers have made it clear they wish to enslave the entire Enterprise when it arrives. Chums, things don't look too good right now."

Chekov held their replacement uniforms. With their own clothes in ruins, they reluctantly got into them. Chekov beheld his red, green and yellow garb with horror.

"I look like a bird."

Uhura shook her head at the purplish formsuit she found herself in.

"If I so much as breathe, I'll be done for! Captain, in these capes and cowls, we look scarier than those thugs!"

Kirk saw his own blue and black uniform, and got an inspiration.

"Its said that Criminals Are A Superstitious, Cowardly Lot...folks, this is an omen! As Buck Bokai used to say, Lets step up to bat!"

As they went out, Chekov uttered a prayer.

"Holy Saints protect us!"

But indeed, it was now a whole new ballgame. Suddenly, one thrall with half a disfigured face was more scared of Chekov than he was of him. A black-leather clad Caitian, a poor woman's M'Ress, was no match for the graceful Uhura. Galt, with his permanent Rictus smile, chalky skin and green hair, went down like a ton of bricks at the fists of James T. Kirk. One by one they came, and one by one they all fell. The Providers, unable to deal with having failed to bet on the winning Terrans, ceased to be, and their psychotic charges went with them into oblivion.

"Think you can pilot that craft of theirs, Mr. Chekov?"

"Its a wholly different kind of spacecraft, Keptin, but I'll manage."

Uhura stretched and yawned.

"You two do all that. I'm sitting in the back seat, and get some shuteye!"

Kirk looked back at the ruined Provider battle compound.

'When will they learn that crime simply doesn't pay?"

"Don't be so anxious for that, Keptin. If that happens, then, gosh-we'll be out of a job!

They climbed into the sleek, roadster-looking spacecraft.

"Here we are. Atomic Batteries To Power. Turbines To Speed-All Systems Are-GO!"

Upon their rendezvous with the Enterprise, Spock looked dubiously at the cowl the Captain still wore.

"Am I to find this amusing in some manner?"

McCoy stepped in, as well he might.

"Oh, I don't know, Mister Spock. I think that kind of outfit sends just the right signal."

Sulu was drooling over the sleek craft his friends had returned in.

"OH-MIIIIINNNNEEEE!"

"SCOTT TO CAPTAIN! KLINGONS SIGHTED OFF TO STARBOARD!"

Kirk turned to his crew.

"We're needed."

Uhura nodded.

"Lets Go!"

As they ran off for the bridge, Kirk, Uhura, and Chekov would decide later on that the only thing more embarrassing than running in their cape and cowls through the ship was not realizing the twelve-hour life-span of these uniforms was almost up. On the other hand, upon seeing Kirk's battle-costume, Captain Koloth never did bother the Federation again.


	42. This Happened Once Before

**This Happened Once Before**  
by Rob Morris

Captain's Log : Stardate Unknown

"Falling too near to the gravity well of a collapsed star, we are attempting to ascertain our exact location."

Uhura was as confused as anyone.

"Captain, I'm picking up signals...listen to this."

"Again as part of his re-election drive, President Johnson re-iterated his firm belief that the Warren Commission had settled the tragic matter of President Kennedy's murder. In other news, four young..."

Kirk reflected.

"But Kennedy's assassination was in the early 1960's."

Spock nodded.

"And so, Captain, are we. Apparently, the gravity well from that collapsed star caused a temporal slingshot effect."

Sulu gestured.

"Captain, we're within Earth's atmosphere. I can get us into orbit, but I think the people on that plane got a good look at us."

"Spock-a military jet?"

"Negative, Captain. But we still have a problem. Sensors are detecting energy discharges from the plane, low in power-consistent with flashbulbs, I believe they were called. If some of those 'cameras' have long-range lenses..."

Kirk hit the comm button on his chair.

"Scotty! I know it was a rough ride, but can you make a material specific transport from the airplane that seems to be following us?"

"Aye, provided I know the material's nature."

"Good, Scotty. Mister Spock will forward you that information."

"A good notion, Captain. By locking onto the cameras' 'film', they will have simply a mystery with no evidence."

"Don't congratulate me till it works, Spock. Scotty? Our success rate?"

"I'm afraid it was 104%, Captain. Ye better come down here, sir."

"On my way. Spock, signal Doctor McCoy to join me there. You have the Conn."

Outside the transporter room, Kirk met McCoy.

"Jim, Scotty told me it was four organics. Now was it dogs, cats-"

The doors opened, and Scotty stood chatting with their four young guests, who seemed fascinated by their surroundings. They were neatly dressed, but had a playful look about them. One that seemed like the leader walked up to Kirk.

"Is this yours? Its gear!"

"Thank you. We like it well enough. I'm Jame-Jim Kirk. Who might you be?"

"You mean to say, no one knows us here? What a break! Paul was starting to get all antsy."

The one called Paul walked up to the replicator.

"Hey, is this thing good for a burger n'chips?"

McCoy pressed it, and it created what was asked.

"Beautiful! Epstein usually books us in such dives."

"We're glad you like our hospitality, gentlemen. But-don't play with that, transporter control, please."

"Oh, don't worry yourself. I'm the dumb one, after all."

"Cap'n, my name's George. You got any birds around here?"

After attempting a few answers, Kirk and McCoy showed the young men to their quarters.

"Well, Bones, that answers your question. They're not cats, or dogs-They're Beatles!"

McCoy nodded.

"Its all in the mind, Jim."

"Captain To Bridge."

"Yes, Spock?"

"There are Four unauthorized intruders on the Bridge. Suggest you retrieve them. Soon, if possible."

McCoy winced.

"But how? We just left them in their quarters."

Kirk shrugged.

"Bones, something tells me, it's going to be A Hard Day's Night."


	43. Tribbleations And Trials

**Tribbelations and Trials**  
by Rob Morris

Kirk saw Arne Darvin fade in, and fade out-not once or twice, but many thousands of times. It was eerie, to say the least.

"Spock, what in blazes is happening to everybody's favorite Klingon spy?"

Kirk's friend shrugged.

"Beyond an obvious statement about temporal flux, Captain, I can only offer conjecture as to the cause."

"Knock yourself out, Spock."

Spock let the comment pass.

"Darvin has sworn revenge upon you. He also has made statements about being patient in his quest. Perhaps a future self made an effort to affect the recent events on K-7. This would jibe with the chroniton field's point of origin, more than a century hence."

_"Captain's Log. Under my authority, and with a skeleton crew, we have jumped to the future origin point of the temporal flux that is expanding in our era. Using uniforms of the era, Lieutenant Uhura and I have snuck aboard a Federation starship called Defiant. We hope to minimize timeline contamination, simply by preventing this era's Darvin from attempting his unsuccessful time-jump." _

Uhura looked over at Sisko and Bashir, chatting away while deciding whether to take Darvin's future self on board.

"He-is handsome."

Kirk nodded.

"Sisko seems very much like the kind of man to guide the Federation through this dark era of war."

Uhura shook her head.

"I meant Doctor Bashir."

As Darvin came on board Defiant, Kirk slipped a sedative patch on him, taking him unconscious. When he awoke, Kirk hoped it would be the one called Worf staring back at him, in the brig. Uhura had distracted Darvin, somehow without saying a word.

"I don't get it either, sir. He just-stared at me. Am I clothed?"

"Last I checked. Hey, am I clothed?"

"Sir, it was just a joke."

"Yeah, I know. But then why is everyone staring at us?"

Indeed, all the Defiant personnel were staring over at their chrono-displaced visitors. Kirk gulped. Uhura shuddered at the jaws that dropped around them.

"We-made the history records, didn't we?"

Sisko put his hand to his head.

"Temporal Affairs is going to have kittens."

Kirk nodded.

"Just so long as it's not Tribbles."


End file.
